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Topic: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)... (Read 422 times) |
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Hirvimaki
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HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« on: Dec 10th, 2003, 3:04pm » |
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This is a collectively wise group and I need some advice.
I have a dear friend that I have known since highschool. We have gone our seperate ways but have always stayed in touch. Recently (the past week or two) I found out that her husband is abusive (emotionally, mentally and phsycially). I really want to be able to do something for this woman, be supportive, et cetera. I have convinced her to move herself out of the dangerous situation and in with a friend. We are States apart, and I am feeling rather helpless. Are there resources out there that I can tap into to help her and the kids (two young girls)? Does anyone on the board have any suggestions of what are the best things I can do to support and empower her?
(And yes, I am enraged  to the point of wanting to do some serious harm to the guy, but the last thing she needs is more testosterone thrown about...)
Thank you in advance...
Hirvimaki
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"What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others."
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thomas
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #1 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 3:08pm » |
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Local church groups or the YWCA. God I hate wife beaters. If I offend anybody with that remark - fuck off.
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Paigelle
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #2 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 3:08pm » |
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Oh my, been there done that with one of my friends. The one thing I learned was I couldn't help her until she wanted to help herself. But if she has moved out, then she is taking the right steps. You just need to able to listen and lend a shoulder to cry on sometimes. I was states apart from my friend too. The one thing I did for her was to call a local abuse shelter and they got me in contact with one in her town. All I could do after that was give the address and phone number, and pray alot that she would be fine. It is so frustrating when you can't just go beat the hell out of the man.
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Melissa
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #3 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 3:17pm » |
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I learned on a program, that the shelters are the best places to go for those who have been abused. They can protect you better than anyone else can, including parents and friends, plus get you the legal authority you need. Also, Paigelle is right, she's taking the right move by leaving the bastard. I hope everything works out for her, which it should because she definately wouldn't be better off dead.
mel
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Mac
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #4 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 3:22pm » |
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I just hope you can convince her that her ass_hole husband will never change. So many women for whatever reason go back to the beater and get beat up again or killed  . She's fortunate to have a friend like you. Good luck
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| « Last Edit: Dec 10th, 2003, 3:24pm by Mac » |
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Little Deb
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #5 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 3:32pm » |
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Pray,pray, pray. And let us know if we can help somehow. (clothes, toys, food, etc.)
Let us know how it is going.
She is always welcome at my house. And the girls, of course. Just let him try to get to her at my house!
dying to shoot someone who deserves it....little deb
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Hirvimaki
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #6 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 3:43pm » |
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Thank you all... I cannot describe how frantic I am. I am a very even tempered, non-violent kind of guy, but this just sends me over the edge... I really do appreciate your offers of help and your encouragement means the world to me... I will let you know how everything is going...
That first step, convincing her that it was not "her fault" and that she does not "deserve" it somehow, was the hardest. But I think I have gotten through to her that any man that would hit her is the lowest, most despicable kind of sub-human creature.
Hirvimaki
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Paigelle
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #7 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 3:47pm » |
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How far away does she live? Is she close enough that you can go get her? It might even be a good idea to get her out of the same state. It is awful that in order to stay alive sometimes, you have to rearrange your whole life. But sometimes that is what it takes. Good luck.
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Little Deb
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #8 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 3:59pm » |
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Yeah! Where does she live????
What kind of frame of mind is the guy in right now since she left??
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OneEyeBlind
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #9 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 4:00pm » |
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There are lots of shelters out there, but she has to want to take the first step. She might find it hard sharing with others her situation. So if she is active in her church, ya might want to call her pastor and give him the low down on the situation so that he can provide some support as well. I believe the more people she shares her situation with, the more it will free her from the "humility" of being beaten and conquered. Hope that helps. Tell her that that we are rooting for her.
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Linda_Howell
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #10 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 4:37pm » |
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In the front of her local phone book there are numbers listed for domestic abuse centers where she can be put in a safe house at no charge to her. They will also help her file restraining orders, etc.
You can't drag her kicking and screaming, but let her know that once an abuser. Always an abuser. If she has children, play on her motherly protectiveness because if he beats her, he'll beat them most likely. Not to mention what an impact it is on a small mind to watch Daddy knocking the crap out of Mommy.
Not only have I been where she is, I provided a safe house for a month for a woman with 4 kids. That woman is now happily married to a man who wouldn't dream of hitting her. She could have been dead.
You sound like a good friend. Keep at her to leave and leave NOW!
LindaH
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Hirvimaki
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #11 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 5:44pm » |
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Again, thank you all.
A lot of my frustration comes from the fact that we do live so far apart. She is in Washington State and I am down here in New Mexico. I have told her, in very clear terms, that if she asks, my wife, three of my friends and I will all jump on a plane and be out there to help move, et cetera. I feel like I am doing as much as I can in support of her (I keep reminding her that she is a wonderful, smart, vibrant woman and that the flaw is with him, not her...) and I am willing to rush out there at a moments notice, but the distance is a daunting factor. I do not want her to become a statistic or a news story.
I once wrote in another thread that I would not wish my CH on my worst enemy, but I have to revise that statement. If I could hit that bastard with my CH I would in a heartbeat.
This has shaken my faith in humanity, but your support and caring words have done a lot to restore it.
Thank you again,
Hirvimaki
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"What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others."
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Opus
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #12 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 6:36pm » |
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Be Her friend, nothing more, nothing less, no matter what.
Opus/paul
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Kirk
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Re: HELP! Need some advice (non-CH)...
« Reply #13 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 7:02pm » |
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Washington State has an excellent system for protecting women and children from abusive mates.
My wife and I helped a lady out of an abusive relationship. Turned out all we had to do was take her to the nearest state services office. I believe it was the only time I've ever seen public employees move fast. I mean really fast..They had her out of this man's sight and to an undisclosed location so fast I didn't see it. Houdini would be proud of them. I am.
That was several years ago. Bet they're better at it now.
TTFN 
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