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fubar
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An interview with a renowned Nutrition Scientist
« on: Dec 31st, 2003, 1:03pm »
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An interview with a renowned Nutrition Scientist: Professor Bickar
 
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
 
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.  Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
 
 
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn.   And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
 
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green
leafy vegetable.
 
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.
 
 
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
 
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all
know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice:  Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.
 
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
 
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one.   If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,
 
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
 
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
 
 
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
 
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
 
 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
 
 
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
 
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans .. another vegetable!!!  "It's the
best feel-good food around!" Well, I hope this has cleared up any
misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie...
 
 
One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."
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"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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Re: An interview with a renowned Nutrition Scienti
« Reply #1 on: Dec 31st, 2003, 1:12pm »
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crackup
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Re: An interview with a renowned Nutrition Scienti
« Reply #2 on: Dec 31st, 2003, 1:46pm »
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A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second
fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he
usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
 
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
 
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet
but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes
and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his
$80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes
to pick on suckers.
 
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic
Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and
offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You
won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings."
 
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
 
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."
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"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
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Re: An interview with a renowned Nutrition Scienti
« Reply #3 on: Dec 31st, 2003, 1:53pm »
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crackup   crackup
 
Shawn - you bored lately??
 
t.
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Re: An interview with a renowned Nutrition Scienti
« Reply #4 on: Dec 31st, 2003, 2:16pm »
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The subliminal message for today is ... ... ...
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Don't be offended by my frank analysis. Think of it as personality dialysis.
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