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Topic: An Oldie but appropriate right now (Read 322 times) |
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Jimi
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An Oldie but appropriate right now
« on: Dec 19th, 2006, 2:40pm » |
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December 1
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However,from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about
the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Shedz
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Re: An Oldie but appropriate right now
« Reply #1 on: Dec 19th, 2006, 2:42pm » |
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I push my fingers into my eyes, It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache, But it's made of all the things I have to take, Jesus it never ends it just works its way inside, If the pain goes on, I AM gonna make it.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xps7AM8HbjE
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JeffB
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Re: An Oldie but appropriate right now
« Reply #2 on: Dec 19th, 2006, 2:45pm » |
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Yup!
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" It's been my experience that people who have no vices have very little virtues."
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FramCire
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Re: An Oldie but appropriate right now
« Reply #3 on: Dec 19th, 2006, 2:50pm » |
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Where would an overweight Alcoholic gay man sit if he came with his roommate a vegatarian, pregnant lesbian?
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You've overstayed your welcome since the day we met but it doesn't seem to matter to you. No medications are your master, nothing makes you fret, it's a helpless feeling having nothing I can do
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JeffB
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Wide open till you see God, then brake
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Re: An Oldie but appropriate right now
« Reply #4 on: Dec 19th, 2006, 3:06pm » |
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Now thats a question!
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" It's been my experience that people who have no vices have very little virtues."
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Jimi
CH.com Alumnus
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Who loves ya baby!
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Posts: 2286
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Re: An Oldie but appropriate right now
« Reply #5 on: Dec 19th, 2006, 3:24pm » |
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Quote:Where would an overweight Alcoholic gay man sit if he came with his roommate a vegatarian, pregnant lesbian?
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Wherever he wanted to. 
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I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
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Turts
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Ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight
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Re: An Oldie but appropriate right now
« Reply #6 on: Dec 19th, 2006, 4:21pm » |
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'I'm very brave generally,' he went on in a low voice: 'only today I happen to have a headache.' (Lewis Carroll)
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Langa
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So many donuts, such little time...
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Re: An Oldie but appropriate right now
« Reply #7 on: Dec 19th, 2006, 4:40pm » |
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Never saw that one before...very funny!
Langa
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When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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