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        New Message Board Archives >> 2006 General Board Posts >> Tuesday Funnies
        
(Message started by: Redd715 on Jan 3^rd, 2006, 9:15pm)

Title: Tuesday Funnies
Post by Redd715 on Jan 3^rd, 2006, 9:15pm

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did
all of my intelligence come from?

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have mine"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I
don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook
and really good with the kids.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up..
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for
chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken
in water. And then you dump the stock.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing
the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best
of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by
buying me a drink."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery,"
he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought
my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped
the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "not a very nice person" afterwards

Title: Re: Tuesday Funnies
Post by Gator on Jan 3^rd, 2006, 9:38pm

Jane sent this to me today. Someone out there has too much spare time.

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA :
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS