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Topic: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank! (Read 843 times) |
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Garys_Girl
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Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« on: Apr 13th, 2006, 10:53am » |
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I think I have a unique problem: How do you get your clusterhead to do the "right thing?"
I'm assuming most WANT to do what they need to do to stop the pain. But I'm living with a friggin martyr. "We can't afford it." "It's just a low-grade thing" (as I sit and watch him claw at the side of his head with that droopy eye and tears occassionally leaking out of that eye).
"Would you like a cold towel?" No.
"Will you take some oxygen?" No.
"Can I make you some coffee?" No.
"Can I not call the Doc to make an appointment so we can get you some pred or Imitrex or ANYTHING?"
"STOP ASKING ME! You don't get it! This is just a low-grade thing!. We can't afford it right now!" As he winces with what is obviously a big pain spike.
Last night he was so stubborn I wanted to bean him with the 02 tank. If he's passed out, at least then I could administer O2 to him!
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
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E-Double
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #1 on: Apr 13th, 2006, 12:46pm » |
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Bless you and thank you for being you!
Many of us are not easy to live with.
Just ask my wife....especially when in high cycle.
There are however trimes when we are in agony but know that it is not worth wasting the "abort"
I happen to have very good insurance and a stock of oxygen tanks as well as other tricks BUT
Sometimes I will be stubborn and just pace my backyard.
Don't ask me why but I do.
It is what it is so just smack him in the noggin with the O2 tank then......when he is PF let him know how it makes you feel when he is in pain.
That is an important factor in how we deal with the attacks.
You may not know our physical pain but you know worse!!!!!
Being helpless.
Hugs,
Eric
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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Margi
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #2 on: Apr 13th, 2006, 1:32pm » |
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Please please PLEASE stop trying to talk to him when he's having an attack!!!
All we can do, as supporters, is stock the aresenal. We can't make them use the weapons.
seriously - leave him in peace when he's getting hit. Ok? Please?
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Garys_Girl
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #3 on: Apr 13th, 2006, 3:16pm » |
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Part of the problem, Margi, is that he was denying he was having an attack. Otherwise, I do leave him alone.
When an attack starts, Gary most often reclines in bed (not lying down) and thrashes around. He doesn't say anything, and he knows he doesn't need to ask. The minute I see him going into an attack, I get him a cold towel (he doesn't like freezing). I then make sure the 02 is within his easy reach. I put in a DVD of like Hogan's Heros or something funny - he likes to have something to "distract his attention" from the pain. Then I head to the kitchen and make four espressos in case he wants to use caffeine. While the espresso machine is getting to its pressure, I head back up and swap out his cold towel. In fact, I swap out his cold towels about every 3 minutes without asking (he heats them up REALLY quickly!).
I know a lot of supporters who come here don't know much about clusters or how to handle an attack. We didn't know what clusters were until we found this site. But before we found this place we already had this routine down. It's obvious you can't talk to them when they're being hit.
As it turns out, he wasn't using the O2 correctly, but that's just one of the reasons we love this place.
But I'm a great supporter. Once I found this site, I pretty much did nothing else for several days but read, read, read. And now that we're trying things, I ask, ask, ask.
So last night he was having an attack and refused the 02. I did ask him if he was sure he didn't want to use it.
And this morning he was working on the laptop when the above transpired. I didn't mention that I started the conversation with "Are you getting hit? Want me to move the laptop?" To which he answered both "No" and "No."
As he continued working with one hand and grabbing his head with the other, then the conversation progressed as described.
I was frustrated with him not doing anything to stop the pain. Eric's right - being able to do nothing is incredibly frustrating when you see anyone in that kind of pain, let alone someone you love like I love Gary.
If shooting myself in the knee would end his pain, I'd do it. If being tortured by having my fingernails pulled out one by one would end his pain, I'd do it.
And if I learned of these miracle "cures" while he was in the middle of an attack, I'd still probably wait until it was over to ask him if he wanted me to do it, because he can't see, hear, or think straight when it's happening.
I just stopped by to vent my frustration at being so helpless.
I guess finding this site and so many potential "solutions" (whether just abortive or not) felt empowering. And last night/this morning was the first time I felt so hopeless/helpless again. Perhaps a twinge of anger too - here I am working my butt off to find solutions, and he's not even using the CHEAP ones to stop his pain.
Laurie
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Laurie
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Margi
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #4 on: Apr 13th, 2006, 4:37pm » |
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on Apr 13th, 2006, 3:16pm, Garys_Girl wrote:Perhaps a twinge of anger too - here I am working my butt off to find solutions, and he's not even using the CHEAP ones to stop his pain.
Laurie
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But Laurie, they go to a place that we can't access OR pretend to fully comprehend...
Trust me on this, he wants his pain to end just as much (ok, WAY more) than you do. He'll do what he needs to, to deal with it. remember, these attacks do end. He knows that. Sometimes the meds prolong the pain. Or, worse, they do nothing to influence the attack. Don't you think that's pretty demoralizing for a sufferer when that happens? Would YOU want to try something you know isn't going to make you any better? Wouldn't YOU get a little frustrated too - if you were in his shoes?
Like I said, let him drive, Laurie. He knows if he wants the oxygen, he knows where it is and how to hook himself up. I've found in my 20 years of cluster supporting that Mike needs to totally focus on the pain and work through it. Nothing will escalate an attack faster than for me sitting there, hovering, firing questions at him. He knows I'm within earshot if he loses his cool and that I, like you, would do ANYTHING to help. Sometimes that's all they need to know is that someone is there if they reach that point. This is really an individual battle, a fight that has to be fought alone. We supporters are sometimes relegated to the role of silence and, personally, that's one of the toughest lessons I've ever had to learn. But it's been huge in our survival, trust me. Mike talks to me more now than ever, now that I've stopped trying to fetch and carry for him while he's getting hit. He knows how much I respect his pain and the privacy he needs to deal with it. I guess we all find our own balances though - maybe this is just us. But I learned long ago that a real good way to get told off and end up hurt/frustrated is to hang out with a clusterhead under attack.
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Major
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #5 on: Apr 13th, 2006, 5:20pm » |
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Hi Laurie,
I'm a supporter too, and I think I know how you feel. I don't know if you are unique, as I face the same challenges. It took my husband quite a while to "admit" that he needed to get to the 02 as soon as he felt one coming on. I don't know why he is that way, to me it almost seems like by using abortives at first sign, he is letting the CH win. Sounds totally crazy I know, but I don't know how else to describe our situation.
It is really hard, and I can't offer much advice but can offer you an ear. In our situation, my husband doesn't mind having me around, and has never told me to leave while under attack. But maybe that is him. He seems to like having me around.
For a variety of reasons, he has rode out many attacks instead of stopping them at the first sign. I too have perked up pots of espresso, got towels, ice packs, hot packs, 02 tanks, you name it, only to be told he doesn't want them.
I personally can relate to the idea of the beaning with the 02 tank! I know that he is the one in pain, but it certainly does affect everybody in the house, and I can't help but feel sometimes that by not attempting to use abortives at first twinges, that we are all getting put through a huge emotional rollercoaster that might just be avoided. I can relate to your feelings of anger too - because I too was the one that did all the searching, came up with all these possible solutions, etc etc, only to be told that he will deal with it, and then not have dealt with it.
That all being said.... since we found kudzu last year, our life has been a much happier place!
Good luck.
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Garys_Girl
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #6 on: Apr 13th, 2006, 8:24pm » |
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Margi:
I regret having gotten defensive in response to your initial post.
I came here looking for support during a time of frustration and some anger. I wasn't dealing from a place of logic, I was dealing from a place of emotion.
I was under the impression we could do that in this particular forum and not be criticized for it.
I was particularly upset because you're a moderator, and instead of being supportive you chose to be condescending.
Quote:| seriously - leave him in peace when he's getting hit. Ok? Please? |
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It is possible to educate without being offensive:
"Laurie, you may be new to cluster headaches. Unfortunately, the hardest part of being a supporter is having to do nothing. Most people, when they're having an attack, do not like to be talked to; they especially do not like to be badgered. All we can do as supporters is stock the arsenal, we can't make them use the weapons."
I appreciate your thoughts, but I don't appreciate being lectured on something I already know and practice, but you haven't taken the time to figure that out. If I'm repeatedly an ass or keep coming back to whine and complain about how awful it is, then I deserve a lecture.
Unfortunately, my heart doesn't always function logically. Thankfully, my asking those four questions today did not push him into a full scale attack. I would have felt very guilty indeed.
Finally, I was upset that you presume I'm the one that needs to learn some lesson. Perhaps the lesson is Gary's to learn - maybe he needs to learn to be honest about where he's at instead of trying to deny what's happening.
He's got the keys. He is the driver. I was pissed because he keeps wanting to deny he's in a car.
...and as long as I'm venting....
The thing that pisses me off the most is when he does use O2 to abort an attack. He's using a cheapy version of the mask, he did NOT get a high-flow regulator despite having said he did. So when he goes to use O2 and it doesn't work, that upsets me the most, because he's trying to do something about it, but KNOWINGLY with the wrong equipment, and then gets upset when it doesn't work.
Even if he didn't believe what he read here, or me telling him what I read here, a friend of ours who is an MD and PhD but is a money manager, not a practicing Doctor, knew all about cluster headaches. The first thing he said to Gary was, "You've got to get oxygen, and you need a high flow regulator that will deliver 12 - 15 lpm, and you have to use a non-rebreather mask." And he had his third party confirmation..
So.... it's like he's driving a car with flat tires that's out of oil. And he knows he needs to put air in the tires, and he knows he needs to add oil - but then becomes upset when the car won't drive well, or stops driving altogether, yet he won't let me pump the air into the tires, or fill the oil.
So part of my frustration is that I can't even stock the arsenal properly.
Thankfully, people here have been kind enough to offer to help, and at this point I am going to take them up on their offers.
*********************
Major:
Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad the Kudzu's been helping! But it sure helps to know I'm not alone.
And I think you nailed it on the head here:
Quote:| I know that he is the one in pain, but it certainly does affect everybody in the house, and I can't help but feel sometimes that by not attempting to use abortives at first twinges, that we are all getting put through a huge emotional rollercoaster that might just be avoided. |
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That's definitely part of what I was feeling!
Gary's not suffering from a self-pity party, but I do feel that he's acting in denial, and I'm really not O.K. with that.
And Eric, if Gary wanted to suffer out the attacks alone, pacing in the back yard, that would be one thing. But he does want me to be with him, and it is just SO HARD to be with him suffering so much. And I'm lucky, because he usually does want me to do something: gently massage the back of his head or around his eye, massage his feet (a distraction), or pinch and pull gently at his ear (a kind of reflexology thing). So I don't have to sit back and do nothing - but the suffering you people experience is so intense, it's just so hard to watch him do nothing about it when we do have some tools.
I have told him how I feel when he's just having shadows (Gary hasn't been pf at all since early March). He simply insists we can't afford this or that right now. I realize things are tight, but we sure has heck can afford $25 for a proper mask!
Thankfully, we're about to move firms, and we'll have insurance in the not too far distant future. I may be back here to vent then if he comes up with new excuses to not do anything. 
Happy (and pain free!) passover & happy almost Easter wishes to all,
Laurie
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| « Last Edit: Apr 14th, 2006, 5:37am by Garys_Girl » |
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Laurie
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #7 on: Apr 14th, 2006, 8:06am » |
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I think you are doing just fine!
My wife stays away from me sometimes when I want her near.
She did so because the vast majority of what she read told her to do so.
We decided to develop some nonverbal cues so that when I need her I can just signal.
Sometimes I want my neck rubbed, sometimes I want my hand held and other times I am too proud.
It is up to BOTH of you in my opinion.
It's sweet to hear that he isn't in a pity party.
That is useless and I wouldv'e had to come hunt him down 
Keep doing whatever you guys need to do and if he ever wants to B.S. with another dude that's got them, drop me a line.
Be well and enjoy your day
Eric
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I can't believe that I have to bang my
Head against this wall again
But the blows they have just a little more
Space in-between them
Gonna take a breath and try again.
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Jackie
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #8 on: Apr 14th, 2006, 8:46am » |
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Hi Laurie,
I'm with Eric....you're doing fine. It's tough duty on both of you. He suffers intense pain and you suffer the helpless feelings. Hang in there, Sweetie.
There is hope. My hubby, Blake, was a chronic for many years....suffering hit after hit, day after day. Now, he's gone episodic and is off all meds. Miracles do happen.
Sounds like your hubby may be trying to deny that this is happening to him. Blake would sit in his chair with that "cluster is gonna hit" look on his face. I'd say, "honey, you might want to get on the 02". He'd just sit there, trying to deny that it was gonna happen..waiting to long. Frustrating but it would go that way sometimes.... 
Take some time for yourself, Laurie.....even if it's one of Margi's hot bubble baths...
Good luck & be well....
Jackie 
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Garys_Girl
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #9 on: Apr 14th, 2006, 3:28pm » |
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Thank you for the encouragement. !!
Funny enough, I did grab a book to go have a long hot steamy soak yesterday. Of course Gary got hit while I was in there, but he didn't come in to point at his head (he has real trouble communicating verbally when it's a bad one).
He was "over the peak" by the time I came back in.
I know it's important to not totally focus on him and to make sure I stay sane - but I did feel so guilty. But he is a sweetie - he said he didn't get me because I needed the time.
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Margi
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #10 on: Apr 14th, 2006, 5:06pm » |
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Laurie, I wasn't trying to be condescending OR offensive to you - I'm sorry you took my words to mean that. One of the problems with internet message boards is that you can't hear the tone of voice of the writer. If you could have, you would have heard that my words came from the heart, and I saw in you a person I was a long time ago - I was only trying to help you learn from the mistakes I've made.
I have gotten and, in turn, passed on a lot of education in my years here and when I saw your post, I felt compelled to offer some help to you. I did so in a rush, I admit, it's been totally nuts at work for me lately and I rarely come on here to post anymore. I should have taken more time to proof my posts and to better understand your sensitivity. I guess I wrongly assume that cluster supporters are pretty thick skinned (it's the defense mechanism I've learned to develop over the years).
I commend you for the work you're doing for Gary. Honestly. It's probably the toughest work any of us will ever do.
Here's some pages I wrote a few years ago about being a cluster supporter... maybe something in there will help you understand where I'm coming from?
http://www.clusterheadaches.ca/DesktopDefault.aspx?tabid=100
Again, peace Laurie - I meant no harm.
and one more thing, read this thread. "I Can't Dance" puts it so well - we supporters can all learn from his words here!
http://www.clusterheadaches.com/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.cgi?board=general;acti on=display;num=1145032223;start=14#14
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| « Last Edit: Apr 14th, 2006, 5:16pm by Margi » |
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And, on the Eighth Day...God created Beer (to stop the Canadians from taking over the world)
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Garys_Girl
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #11 on: Apr 14th, 2006, 9:19pm » |
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Sorry I misinterpreted, Margi. I definitely understand being rushed, and these days I'm sleep deprived. So between the two of us it was just a bad combination on the wrong day.
I meant to stop by to add that with your having lived with a CH sufferer for 20 years, I'm sure I can benefit from your experience. Gary's had clusters for years, but they were short enough cycles with low enough daily frequency that he's been misdiagnosed for years. We just learned one week and three days ago at this site that it is clusters that he has.
I know I can't put myself in his shoes. We talked about that today, as a matter of fact. He says he can't put himself in my shoes, either, he just knows he'd be going out of his mind if he had to watch me go through what he is.
It is just so heartbreaking and so frustrating. I just really needed to come and vent. I've spent hours of each day, if not most of the day, at this site and related links. Gary and I, in "real" life are analysts - we research publicly traded companies and write up our analysis for publication to professional money managers. So I'd been absorbing so much information, and I guess I just wasn't in the mood for more "learning" when I just wanted "hugs" - and then I took it the wrong way.
All my best,
Laurie
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AussieBrian
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #12 on: Apr 16th, 2006, 3:15am » |
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I try not to post here because I reckon you supporters so much deserve your own private space but Margi, Lauri, I'm so glad you've made up. Just sitting here as the silent third party it was so easy to watch just the simplest mis-interpretation get out of hand and at the same time be powerless.
Lauri, please understand that denial is one of our weapons. I personally swear by it.
Margi, when you wrote, "they go to a place that we can't access or pretend to fully comprehend... " I all but wept.
I'll keep my intrusions to a minimum but just wanted to thank you both.
My heartfelt admiration,
Brian.
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #13 on: Apr 16th, 2006, 7:44am » |
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Hi Garys_Girl,
after reading this thread, and as I know my wife will get her "hands" onto this thread, I can hear her telling me "you see, you see" and I can hear my self answer what is it that I should see........?
I can see how you feel..... the frustrations..... the inability to help..... and I know (my wife) you are trying your best (and more) to help, you are in all the ways a victim to the beast too, "just" PF, but still a victim!
But you don’t have a unique problem, I think (I know) my wife feels the same way, that she has a unique problem, and thinks I am "playing the martyr".
BUT when I am in pain (I think) I am not the most rational and
sort of developped a pattern of dealing with my agony.....
and I get frustrated by being asked, did you drink at all, why don’t you use the O2, take a Zomig and on and on, I know she really tries to help, I know she feels for me, and by god I am more the grateful for the care and love, BUT it still annoys me........
and later I feel sorry for me being so unbearable..... BUT that is the way I try to deal with it.
AND MOST IMPORTaNT DONT GIVE UP WE DO NEED THE SUPPORT; THE LOVE, THE UNDERSTANDIG.
and yes (I can speak only for my self) we do not only accept it
we are grateful for it, yes you are our anker and yes we need you!
What I do know I will put her on the site as a support member! It could be good way for her to express her frustrations
with me!! (Why do I know I making a mistake?  )
Michael
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Garys_Girl
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #14 on: Apr 16th, 2006, 2:33pm » |
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You know, despite the horror of this statement by CH sufferers, I still believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we do not understand what that reason is at that time (or ever).
But here is just a small thing: By misinterpreting what Margi initially wrote, my follow-up post(s) made me "talk it out," and I realized the underlying frustration was what I felt to be hubby's denial of what was happening. (So thank you, Margi, and that's heartfelt too!)
on Apr 16th, 2006, 3:15am, AussieBrian wrote:
....Lauri, please understand that denial is one of our weapons. I personally swear by it.... |
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So, because I'd figured out what was really bugging me, Gary and I were discussing that just yesterday.
Because he has constant shadows that "spike," sometimes developing into "full blown" attacks and other times not, when he feels it coming on, he fights it by ignoring (or trying to ignore) it. So Brian, I don't know if you were trying to be funny or not, but I guess it really can be a kind of tool.
On the other hand, he never tried to put himself in my shoes. He's pretty sure he'd go completely insane of the roles were reversed. (And we both agree that in the end we've got the "correct" respective roles in this nightmare).
So anyway, we've both got a much better understanding now, and I'll let him "fight it," while he will "administer" abortives when he's sure it's "blowing up" rather than trying to continue to fight it back.
Laurie
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thomas
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #15 on: Apr 18th, 2006, 3:33pm » |
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on Apr 16th, 2006, 3:15am, AussieBrian wrote:
Lauri, please understand that denial is one of our weapons. I personally swear by it.
Brian. |
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Agreed, it seems to me, that when I reach for that abortive, that I am giving in.
I've been giving in quite a lot, recently.
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #16 on: Apr 18th, 2006, 3:44pm » |
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This is a copy of a post made under another thread is this forum:
(Again, not aimed at any one person)
As I write this, I am in extreme pain and hope that does not make anything I say misunderstood. But, I feel compelled to address this issue. I am a Chronic Clusterhead, I also suffer from Lou Gehrig's, Suppressed Immune System, Anxitety Disorder and many other problems that come along with these disorders which means I do not have much longer to live. I will try to focus mainly though on the CH and the roles of sufferer and supporter.
For years my wife was as great a supporter as anyone could hope for. But, over time, support turned into trying to control the CH and other problems. This only led to stress, extreme frustration and even anger. This was not good for her health or her emotional strength, she was trying to beat something no one in the world has yet to do. After my brother killed himself and my father died from Lou Gehrig's last year, she worried herself sick that I too would commit suicide, no matter how often I tried to assure that I wouldn't and didn't even believe in it.
The control issue got so far out of hand she even had me committed against my will to a Physce Ward! The doctors and psychiatrists had me released the next morning finding no grounds for me being there. Still trying to control instead of support she then took all my medications and would only give them to me as she saw fit and decided she would make a daily routine list for me to live by.
I loved (and still do) my wife, but I had to leave her ... the stress caused by all this over the years took its toll and defeated us.
So I write this to all supporters, CH will affect everyone in the family, with friends and work. We sufferers love not only our personal family supporters but those here as well and are deeply appreciative of all the support.
Just to throw out some caution though, please try to remain a supporter, none of us can control CH, we can merely try to understand what everybody involved is going through both physically and emotionally. It is a sad thing that our marriage was broken up over this, I know of others that have as well. It takes both the sufferer and supporter to work together to cope with this cruel invader in our lives. There is no controlling, only coping. Although it's been several months since we split up, when we communicate lately, I can see the differences in her and she is living a much better life as the stress wears off. From our experience, I hope our story can help save others marriages. During a CH attack is not the time to question the sufferer. But on the same grounds, the sufferer should tell the supporter how they wish the supporter to react so they know ahead of time.
Stress and frustration only lead to anger, not only at the Beast, but at each other over time. I can only pray for all to understand that trying to control CH instead of learning to cope will tear people apart, no matter how much love they share.
I hope this makes sense and possibly helps someone,
Endless thanks to all our supporters out there and God Bless you all,
Dave
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seasonalboomer
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #17 on: Apr 18th, 2006, 3:48pm » |
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I got "over" myself when I faced up to my own pleading:
"I'd do anything to not have to suffer from these things."
And I asked myself, "Have I?"
And I hadn't, and got to work at doing at least the minimum.
Clusterheads (I am one) have to get over themselves.
Scott
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seasonal boomer
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Dave_Emond
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #18 on: Apr 18th, 2006, 4:11pm » |
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on Apr 18th, 2006, 3:48pm, seasonalboomer wrote:I got "over" myself when I faced up to my own pleading:
"I'd do anything to not have to suffer from these things."
And I asked myself, "Have I?"
And I hadn't, and got to work at doing at least the minimum.
Clusterheads (I am one) have to get over themselves.
Scott
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Very good post Scott!
Looking more towards the postives and fighting for them over the negatives is the key!
Well said ...
Dave
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Garys_Girl
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #19 on: Apr 18th, 2006, 7:25pm » |
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Margi - the links were VERY helpful. I feel very badly now for having misunderstood your "tone of voice" the first time around. 
Dave - what a GREAT post to "repost!" Making a distinction between support and control is a FABULOUS help! I hadn't gotten to the point of trying to control anything - YET. I can see how it could head that way though. What an excellent, excellent, distinction to make. I really can't tell you how helpful I found that.
And Scott? Thank you. If I wasn't supposed to talk to Gary when he's shadowing, I wouldn't have spoken to him for the past seven weeks, as he's NEVER pf. But to just "fight it" when it's clearly ramping - he agreed. He needed to "get over himself" at that juncture. And that's just what it was. Well put, and thank you from both of us.
Laurie
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Laurie
"It's comin' like a freight train - can't you hear it?" - Gary
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Dave_Emond
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #20 on: Apr 18th, 2006, 9:48pm » |
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Oh Laurie........
If you only knew how relieved I am that you have taken responses like mine, Scott's, Margi's and the others to heart and have seen the value experience offers it's almost beyond words. (Of course, everyone knows that Dave cannot control himself when it comes to words, I have been nicknamed "Tolstoy" by many for my long posts)
I was almost afraid to make my post, fearing it might be misunderstood. There is no one to blame in my separation from my wife, I'll love her to the end of days. But ... so important is it to hope that this does not happen to others. The issue of support and control is vital, extremely vital! Please ... oh please don't let that "YET" ever happen. I know my wife still loves me and I love her, but ... because of that "YET" we lost our battle. That's a hurt inside that will never end for either of us.
You two will go far and learn to cope with this together, I can see that because you are both willing to listen to those of us who through experience have already made the mistakes and can only share them with others hoping they will not make the same.
I am so very happy for you two in your response to what everyone is saying and I'm sure the others here talking with you feel as I do ... you're going to beat this invader of your lives even through the many battles still ahead. My prayers are with you and all of us are here any time you need help from either side of situation that this Beast fights against us everyday.
We are a family and will always be here to share the good and the bad.
You've made my day at least
Take care ... and put that word "YET" away and bury it.
My best to you both and God Bless,
Dave
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TxBasslady
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #21 on: Apr 18th, 2006, 11:02pm » |
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Laurie,
I have read every single post you've made on this site. It's crystal clear that you have Gary's best interest at heart.
I see the enthusiasm in your posts...your excitement, and the relief of finally finding a place to go.
We sufferers are not all the same. Some like to be touched and talked too, some don't. I'm a "don't touch..and for damn sure don't talk to me" kinda sufferer.
Remember the old saying..."you can lead a horse to water....but you can't make him drink"? Sounds like your Gary....LMAO. 
Be patient....keep doing what you're doing....and hopefully Gary will come around. When the pain gets bad enough, he'll do what he needs to do. Like Jackie said, there are times we wait....times we deny the pain...but when the going gets tough....we'll do the right thing.
Remember to take time for you. A supporter needs a break just as sufferers do. Don't try to shoulder the load alone....you've done the research, you've asked great questions and received great answers. All you can do is relay the info to Gary.....he has to take the next step. I know it must be difficult to stand by...when you've done all the work and asked all the questions...and then watch him in so much pain.
The best support is love. Sometimes it may be "tough love", but it's necessary in order to make it thru and come out on the other side. Things will get better even if it seems today that it's hopeless.
Lots of love to you....and vibes to help you to help him.
Jean
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Garys_Girl
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #22 on: Apr 19th, 2006, 10:55pm » |
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Well, I personally find it amazing that despite all the pain and suffering that SO MANY of you experience on such a constant (when in cycle for episodics) basis that you get anything done.
But even more incredible than that is that you find the time to be so helpful, so caring of each other, and so supportive of complete strangers.
So again, I just want to say THANK YOU for being here, for caring, for trying, for sharing, and for having all this info so handy!
I'm sorry that ANYONE needs a site like this. But thank god you're here.
Laurie
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Laurie
"It's comin' like a freight train - can't you hear it?" - Gary
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fireball
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #23 on: Apr 22nd, 2006, 6:18pm » |
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Hi Laurie -
I'm sorry I took a few days off this site. I could have written your post!!!
My husband is chronic, and many days flushing or beaning would feel really, really good.
I think one issue that he doesn't like to address is the depression. Sometimes I think if the chronic CH (eighteen months this cycle w/ no PF days) didn't result in being depressed, he could handle the attacks somewhat better.
Being helpless is the most difficult part. When we're on the outside looking in, we see things in an entirely different light. I really believe that my husband's perspective is whacked when he is in constant pain -- I know it isn't his fault, but just because he can't help it doesn't make it any easier to bear. I also believe that when he is in such constant pain he really isn't capable of making the best decisions. Even if we talk about what we should do or what he wants done during the attacks, that doesn't mean he will do it or he won't change his mind in the heat of it.
Life is really so hard for everyone involved. It's hard to accept that this is the way it is. For me, I can remember when CH did not exist in our lives, and I miss that time so much.
This site has been such a help to me. And reading posts like yours helps me even more, because it reminds me that I am not alone.
Thank you for being you and for your honesty. I'm praying for all of us -- sufferers and supporters alike.
Take care,
Kathi
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Garys_Girl
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Re: Flush? Try Beaning w/the 02 Tank!
« Reply #24 on: Apr 23rd, 2006, 2:02pm » |
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Kathi:
Laurie
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Laurie
"It's comin' like a freight train - can't you hear it?" - Gary
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