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Topic: I'm feeling useless... (Read 947 times) |
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Toeggi
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I'm feeling useless...
« on: May 22nd, 2006, 7:47am » |
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Dear all
All about cluster headaches is new territroy to me...
I'm not a sufferer myself - but my boyfriend is.
He talked about CH before, told me how terrible it is... but he has never suffered since we came together.
Now he is... he is suffering... and he has dissociated from me completely!
I haven't talked to him for a week now... I can't reach him - and I don't try. He told me before that he will have to be alone during the cycles... but it came so suddenly! One week ago, he told me that it has started... there were no further explanations, no excuses, he just disappeared... and left me outside...
even if I try to understand - I'm hurt! and sometimes I can't understand at all... I want to be with him, to support him... but he won't let me. Why? Why he turns away from me? 
Today, he wrote me an SMS: "my life is horrible without you! i love you"... words which mean so much to me.
I wrote him back that he doesen't have a life without me, I'm there even if I can't be with him right now... I love him from the bottom of my heart and that won't change!
but I'm still hurt... and I just feel so useless and helpless! And I'm confused about all my feelings: understanding, love, forgiveness on the one hand - my own pain, disappointment, even rage sometimes on the other hand... and the bad conscience about the negative feelings! 
I know, all I can do is waiting... waiting for better times...
Thank you so much for this site - it's a great help to deal with it!
Love
Corinne
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headcrack39
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Re: I'm feeling useless...
« Reply #1 on: May 22nd, 2006, 9:04am » |
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its not you just when we sufferers are going thru the clusters we prefer to be alone until they pass dont think anyone who doesnt get them can really understand how excruciatingly painful they are when his have cleared up he will be back by your side like a shot
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Linda_Howell
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Hearing is one thing. Listening is another.
  
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Re: I'm feeling useless...
« Reply #2 on: May 22nd, 2006, 10:22am » |
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Corrine,
You don't say how long your boyfriend has had these headaches. It could be, he is fairly new to them himself and is trying like crazy to deal with how to handle them.
When he is getting hit...he is in a "Place" that you can't comprehend right now. If he is anything like the rest of us sufferers...he is embarrassed and doesn't want ANYONE to see him like that.
I guess all you can do is wait, but I understand why you're hurt.
When he comes to you and is NOT in pain, sit down with him, explain how YOU feel and tell him you want to be there for him and ask him to please not shut you out. Maybe he can come up with a few things you can do for him that will help.
Hang in there with him. This won't last forever.
Linda
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Kindness, is gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us.
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wildhaus
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Re: I'm feeling useless...
« Reply #3 on: May 22nd, 2006, 1:08pm » |
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Hi Corinne
My name is Michael......... and I live in Wildhaus,
Call us my wife and I can and will help........If you like...
See your IM (messages)
talk to you.... I hop
Michael
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Richr8
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It's all about today...
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Re: I'm feeling useless...
« Reply #4 on: May 22nd, 2006, 1:25pm » |
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Corinne,
Sorry for what you are going through. See if you can get your boyfriend to come the board. This way you can leave the nurturing to us, and by all means stick around yourself on the supporters forum and learn all that you can. There are lots of other supporters that can provide useful advice. I know it's easy to say, but you can't take this personal. He's not himself. Just rememmber to let him learn on his own, make decisiions, and give him space if that's what he needs.
Hang in there.
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pf wishes,
Rich
...because yesterday is history and you never know what tomorrow will bring.
"Med free"- A few seeds and lots of O2-LG but not great.
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mischki
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Re: I'm feeling useless...
« Reply #5 on: May 23rd, 2006, 10:54pm » |
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He is not shutting you out - he's sparing you seeing him in a cycle. I would think it means he cares about you and doesn't want you to see him like that.
I completely understand how you can feel useless - I feel utterly helpless when my husband wakes at 2 a.m. and gets on his hands and knees and bangs his head on the floor. And I think all the supporters on this site understand feeling helpless more than anyone.
But he says that my love and support has helped keep him going even in cycle, and even when he can't tell me.
And that's not useless.
Don't worry - when he comes out of it, he'll be your boyfriend again. And he'll appreciate you even more for standing by him (even if at a far distance) while he battles the beast.
I wish you all the best!
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spidey426
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Re: I'm feeling useless...
« Reply #6 on: Jul 1st, 2006, 4:39am » |
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I'm sorry to hear the situation you're in.. just don't take it the wrong way. He's got one thing on his mind..the beast! For alot of us, it's a very personal battle.. just let him know you're doing everything you can do to understand it better.. and he will greatly appreciate it: ) One of the worst things about CH is just the lack of understanding from non-sufferers.. and when it's all over and done with, things will be back to normal.. well, better than normal: ) I personally feel reborn after a cycle.. cause during a cycle you realize how much you take your pain-free days for granted: )
best of luck to you and your boyfriend.. send him some pain-free wishes from all of us: )
spidey
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Mosaicwench
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Re: I'm feeling useless...
« Reply #7 on: Jul 18th, 2006, 3:15pm » |
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on May 22nd, 2006, 7:47am, Toeggi wrote:
Now he is... he is suffering... and he has dissociated from me completely! |
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Oh Corinne, I hear you.
I know how it is.
I've been supporting my husband for 15 years of clusters.
It's terribly hard when they dissassociate from those they love and who love them - even if we try to view it as them sparing us, sometimes I don't WANT to be spared. I want to fight the beast WITH him. I know that's not rational but it's true.
At Milcon this weekend I was talking to a clusterhead and mentioned something about feeling useless and helpless and he told me he HATES to hear that from spouses and supporters. He says that for him personally, the support from his spouse is sometimes the ONLY thing keeping him going and fighting. Even if that support is simply walking away when they want us to . . . .I hadn't ever thought of it in that context.
Clusterheadaches are a complicated afflication and I guess the support of those we love is no less complicated . . . .
Keep us posted and best of luck to you and your BF.
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The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. ~Author Unknown
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