Title: Another kind of pain....
Post by Jackie on Sep 17th, 2003, 3:02pm
I'd like to start by telling you all what this post IS NOT. This is not a post or story that is meant to be self-serving. It's not a post about who suffers more or who's pain is the more hurtful. It's not a "complain" post or a "whine" post. It's a post about what if feels like to be me.....the wife of a chronic clusterhead who I love with all my heart. It's a post about what it feels like to be me when I read so many of the sufferers posts because I have seen with my own eyes the pain they are talking about.
Clusters hurt supporters hearts.......
I've watched Blake reeling in pain for endless hours. I've heard him beg God to kill him. When God doesn't he's begged me. That's heart pain.
I've seen Blake (some mornings) looking like he just walked out of a concentration camp.....eyes sunken in, no color, no facial expression. I ask him if he'd like a cup of coffee and say 'you better hurry up, honey, or you'll be late for work'. What I'm thinking is how can this man make it another day...how can he go to work. But...I know I have to make him try. I know I can't let him give up. That's heart pain.
At different times I've asked the doctors to change Blake's drugs. I've done this more than once and it's usually when he's in "high cycle". My theory is we have to keep trying...we have to keep looking. One time when we changed drugs it made it much worse. Right in the middle of a Kip10 he's begging me to please never try another drug...please never ask him to do this again. That's heart pain.
I've intentionally made Blake mad when I feel he's about to give up. I've pissed him off just to get his blood flowing and get the heart rate up. It works but it just about does me in when all I really want to do is hold him and cry. That's heart pain.
Clusters hurt supporters egos......
I'm a bit of a contol freak. I like to take charge and fix things up. I like to make things better for friends, family and loved ones. But you know what.....there's not a damn thing I can do to stop the pain when the demon hits. I can't threaten him, scare him away, bust his balls or buy him off. I have to accept that I can't make it all OK for Blake until the demon lets me. I have to stand by in a helpless state. That's ego pain.
There's one more pain and it's called guilt.......Blake and I are husband and wife. We are soul mates. We are best friends. We are supposed to share everything....the good things and the bad....the tears and the laughter....the pain and the "feel good" times.
I have begged God to put the demon on me....to give Blake a break....to leave him alone for just one week. But.....it never happens. Blake has to endure all the hits and that's not right. That's guilt pain.
Well.....that's about it :) I've run my mouth again as usual.
Love to you all....suffers and supports alike :-*
LOL...one more thing. My theory is never let 'em see ya cry, never let 'em see ya sweat, never let them see any doubt on your face.....hang tough and they'll hang tough with ya......fight the demon with them and they won't give up......tell them that tomorrow will be better and they'll try it another day.
Damn....I'm a long winded broad... ::)
Title: Re: Another kind of pain....
Post by Margi on Sep 17th, 2003, 3:10pm
ok, that's TWICE today you've made me cry, Jackie.
Folks, when you look up the word 'supporter' in the dictionary? Yeah, Jackie's picture is there.
This is an amazing post, Jackie. This gets a sticky. Update: ok, sticky isn't working, so I'm locking this thread so it will stay at the top and remain there. No one will be able to improve on what you've said here anyways, Jackie, so it's pointless to try. This is something I think everyone, supporters AND sufferers should read.
and, psst...we've talked about this, lady - you need to cry sometimes. Even if it's in your car between stoplights. don't forget to take some 'Jackie time'.
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