>:( >:( Am in a foul mood.

He knows I need support/help with chores, kid etc when in cycle and I had a particularly bad day today

Told me he would be home 7.30 for all to eat together
Rings 8.20 on mobile and is only just leaving "meeting" at Heathrow
He is slurring
I ask "Have you been drinking?"
He says "Just Coffee"
He drives one hour home

I could smell him as he came through the door!
He is then quite aggressive to me (only ever verbal btw and only ever is when drunk)

I know him well enough to know that slurring = WAY over the Drink Drive limit as he can drink a lot before it even shows as he is VERY big (6'7")

AND he lied to me

AND he slunk off to bed while I getting kid to sleep and is now snoring next door

Tempted to kick him awake and scream at him.
I am so furious because if he loses his licence he loses his job and we would be destitute


Serious question: What shall I do to him tomorrow?? or tonight as right now I feel like killing him

W

all this is true, I promise >:( >:( >:( >:()

Do nothing tonight! What ever you do will probably make it worse. As far as tomorrow goes, I dont have a clue. It's a very serious problem and my first instinct would be counseling.

Charlotte

I know you are right but I am SO angry.

He used to drink drive many years ago before we were married but stopped when I gave him an ultimatum.

I have never known him lie before either and I've known him as a friend since we were 18.

It's great being able to post it here as I wouldn't humiliate him by talking to friends or family.

W

Do what any normal woman would do. Give him the cold shoulder and make him feel guilty. Sounds like he deserves it. Just for lying.He should feel badly anyway. I hate it for ya. Not all decisions are good ones. Driving drunk is not a good thing. That type of behavour can indicate a problem. Counseling for sure if it is possible.
all the best
thebb

well, obviously, sex is out of the question..........

Gee, Wendy....tomorrow, he will be sober(or dead if he's not)...
and, just as an observation it is somehow comforting to know men are consistent in their cultural consistencies.
Gil is not a drinker, per se..... one or 2 and he's done....but, if he were to come home...isn't the term pissed?? Slogging drunk?  I'd likely make a ton of noise in the early morning, till he woke up, and, when the boys aren't around, we would be having a talk(euphemism).....HE LET YOU DOWN LAST NIGHT! Oh, and lies......not tolerated well, are they?   As a team member, he was not in uniform last night.
UMM>. advice?? I know you can handle this.
I hope tonight is considerably better.....
Sleep Well,
Be PF

Cathi :-*

Luckily I have the spare room set up when I am in cycle so he can get some sleep when I have an attack.

Good job really as I would probably kick him fucking hard if I shared the bed  ;D

I'm hoping this is a one-off silly but some serious talking needed.

The one hour drive was mostly on the UK's busiest motorway too!

Shit. Doesn't bear thinking about what damage he could have done

W

Spare room and cuddling a large tank of oxygen beckons

Night all.

I may be a widow tomorrow .... ;D

Quote:

but stopped when I gave him an ultimatum.

In my opinion...you answered it yourself. (above)


   Tell him driving while drunk and lying is totally UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!


Oh...and stand by that.  No waffeling.  No excuses accepted.  Make sure he knows that it will be a deal breaker if he does it again.

If you are like other british woman hes in for hell for the next few days, driving drunk is as stupid as it gets here in england 2 year ban minimum and on record for 10 years + a massive fine.

what motorway M1 or M6 im assuming ether way hes lucky to be home atall.

and on top of that english woman dont take kindly to being lied to im sure you know exactly how to handle this.

Good Luck
Brian  

Wendy get a lipstick and go out and smother his car in "Im a drunk driving lying bastard" written in lipstick - every wondow and every panel! (but only if you don't have to do the school run in it!)

THEN take his car key's and put them in a ziplock bag. Fill it with water and freeze it.

He'll be sober by the time he next drives at any rate.

This is one time when you're right and he's wrong, black and white, night and day, no excuses. End of story.

Good luck, I know you're miserable and upset, I know damn well I would be.

lots of love
Helen

Lorena Bobbit?

I was going to quote the same thing as Linda.  
By your removal of the sentence I was going to quote, I think you know what you are to do.  
This is unacceptable.  
It is also unacceptable not to do anything when your ultimatum is broken.

That's just my opinion.

wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 8:08pm:

Wendy get a lipstick and go out and smother his car in "Im a drunk driving lying bastard" written in lipstick - every wondow and every panel!

No, that would not help!  ;)

Can't sleep- too bloody angry

But the good news is that means I probably will have my first night without a CH attack for a month!

Brian- It was the M25 from Heathrow towards Watford- usually a Car park, not a road, almost always VERY busy.

Like your style Helen! Some very good ideas there.

This will make you laugh though: I did try and lie down in our bed- he stirred and half woke up, I shoved him and told him to face the other way because the smell of "Coffee" was too strong!

Going to do some work now so the sleepless time isn't wasted


W

wendy.........had the same prob with my FEH.......................i knew that one day i would have a knock @ my door.....sure enuf, it was his best friend, a Lt in the county police, ................(winter olympics, night Sarah Hughes, won the medal for skating.....................I REMEMBER IT WELL, CAUSE I WATCHED RERUNS ALL NIGHT!!)............loonggggggggg story, he was driving Company car, could have lost job but didnt, court, lawyer, fees, license revoked, made him tell kids, etc, etc......................BOTTOM LINE.TK GOD HE DIDNT KILL ANYONE.......................unfortunatly, u can not control much of what he does......................................feel the need to vent, pls PM me ................or email me..................................
deb [smiley=hug.gif]

One screw up in how many years?
Give the guy a fuckin break, you are neither his mother nor he your son. You are partners. Remember that when you decide to put on the "nagging, life is so unjust" act.
He fucked up, end of story.

karma wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 8:48pm:

One screw up in how many years? Give the guy a fuckin break, you are neither his mother nor he your son. You are partners. Remember that when you decide to put on the "nagging, life is so unjust" act. He fucked up, end of story.

Act?
With 'friends' like you around Karma, this ain't such a great or safe place to ask for advice is it?

it only takes one "fuck up" karma.............................

Hmm.  Karma..you are correct that one fuck_up in a lot of years should be forgiven.  The LYING,    in my opinion and obviously in Wendys...isn't O.K.  

advice is not always what you want to hear.
Didn't condone what your man did, just don't agree with treating him like a child.
Been married 20 years and fucked up many times but we always worked it out as adults.

karma wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 8:58pm:

advice is not always what you want to hear. Didn't condone what your man did, just don't agree with treating him like a child. Been married 20 years and fucked up many times but we always worked it out as adults.

So where do I say anything which reads as treating him like a child?

I recall I used the phrase "serious talking"

and don't you DARE call this an act.
I do not "act" where my marriage is concerned

I regret posting this at all now to just get your unwarranted hostility, but sounding off here was better than acting rashly with him and saying or doing something I regret later and also better than airing dirty linen with friends or family which I NEVER do

Yes, it's one fuck-up in many years, but it's a serious goddamned fuck-up. It's blatant disregard for human life with a lethal weapon. You think that's supposed to be just kissed and hugged away without any consequence?

You're dead wrong on this one, karma. And that may not be what YOU want to hear.

Jeez, man.
You are being harsh to Wenndy.  You may not agree with what she has done, and you may think she is acting in a certain way.......but at least be nice.  


karma wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 8:58pm:

Been married 20 years and fucked up many times but we always worked it out as adults.

I look at your situation and think there are no boundaries in your marriage.  You are both free to do as you wish and then you 'work it out'.  That doesnt sound like adults to me.  Honor and honesty is the most important thing you will ever have.  I do not consider dishonoring one's marriage as a simple 'fuck up'.  

wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 9:12pm:

Yes, it's one fuck-up in many years, but it's a serious goddamned fuck-up. It's blatant disregard for human life with a lethal weapon. You think that's supposed to be just kissed and hugged away without any consequence? You're dead wrong on this one, karma. And that may not be what YOU want to hear.

Man, I like my beer very much (and you have seen that, Brew) but the last thing I would do is get behind the wheel while im sucking suds!

When I hit 27 years old I knew that I could kill someone, too bad it took that long. I quite all drugs back then and decided that I would only drink at home, aint seen the inside of a bar since........not including the convention hotel bar......LOL  ;)

Brew,
Figured you would chime in here. You always have something to say about everything. It's your right but you opinion means nothing to me.
Wendy,
Anyone who knows my posts know I don't normally use langauge like that here. I just thought I would put my advice in langauge that fit your mood and stressed my point.
My point being that the guy messed up, he got home safe and sound and unless there are other underlying problems he will feel as bad about it as you are angry.

BMoneeTheMoneeMan wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 9:17pm:

Jeez, man. You are being harsh to Wenndy.  You may not agree with what she has done, and you may think she is acting in a certain way.......but at least be nice.   karma wrote on Sep 3rd, 2008 at 8:58pm: Been married 20 years and fucked up many times but we always worked it out as adults. I look at your situation and think there are no boundaries in your marriage.  You are both free to do as you wish and then you 'work it out'.  That doesnt sound like adults to me.  Honor and honesty is the most important thing you will ever have.  I do not consider dishonoring one's marriage as a simple 'fuck up'.

Bloody hell

I haven't DONE anything! I am getting some washing done and posting on here until I have calmed down so I DON'T do anything rash in the heat of the moment.

If you would like the extra reason I am angry as well as the lying, he was aggressive to me in front of our son (guilt talking maybe?) who asked me "if Mummy and Daddy were getting a divorce!!!!"

(we never argue in front of the kid- I abhor that as well)

W

It can be tough to be personal here, I can vouche for that.

And it is difficult to really get "meaty" over serious issues in written format, accurately. I try to welcome all points of view. Who knows, things that do not fit now may fit later and vice-versa.

I'd like to acknowledge you for conciously using this forum to vent, so that you may not make a bad situation worse. Nice job! It can be tough to think straight when anger is involved and it sounds like you are actaully doing well to me.

Me and an ex of mine used to fight a lot but one day I realized what I wanted from the arguments was never going to happen. What I wanted was for her to stop and go "oh, what was I thinking? I see what you are saying and you are completly correct! I am SO wrong and you are SO right and I am SO sorry. Let me make it up to you by letting you get everything you want for the rest of the night (or life)".

Of course conciously I knew that would never happen but once the anger kicked in that is really what I was going for and I was prepared to do whatever it took to get it!

My arguing with her was like trying to open a locked door with the same wrong key, over and over again. Totally nuts. Insane.

Now when I start to argue with someone I go "oh, this is probably the wrong key. Let's see if I can find the right one".

I also was able to see that it was not her reactions or the reactions of others that caused me stress - it was mine!

Well, I hope this helped. If not just act like it was never posted.

I hope you can find the right key to all your doors....

karma wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 9:22pm:

Brew, Figured you would chime in here. You always have something to say about everything. It's your right but you opinion means nothing to me. Wendy, Anyone who knows my posts know I don't normally use langauge like that here. I just thought I would put my advice in langauge that fit your mood and stressed my point. My point being that the guy messed up, he got home safe and sound and unless there are other underlying problems he will feel as bad about it as you are angry.

and anyone who knows my posts knows I don't fucking ACT.

Great psychology Karma- use angry language to me because I'm angry?????

I hope to God you aren't a marriage guidance counsellor, or a counsellor of any kind because you would make things worse

karma wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 9:22pm:

It's your right but you opinion means nothing to me.

And that's pretty sad. It leads to coddling drunk drivers.

Thank you superhawk

That took time and thoughtfulness to write- bless you.
and you are right
also, this is an even safer place to "sound off" as most of you are thousands of miles away!

I will go to bed when I am completely calm.

Still no attacks- that bit is great, I have normally had 3 by now- adrenaline and no sleep  must be good for CH in the short term

Quote:

Brew, Figured you would chime in here. You always have something to say about everything. It's your right but you opinion means nothing to me.

OH...MAN!!!!!!  Karma, I've got to hand it to you.  You've pissed a whole lot of people off with that comment..  I know...that means nothing to you either and that is fine, but what Brew said is spot-on in Helens venacular.


Quote:

Yes, it's one fuck-up in many years, but it's a serious goddamned fuck-up. It's blatant disregard for human life with a lethal weapon. You think that's supposed to be just kissed and hugged away without any consequence?

I totally agree with his statement.  True...he didn't kill aszn innocent people, but he could have next time.  Lying would be the ultimate in lack of trust for me too.

go ahead flame on.   ::)   Wendy, I am sorry for adding fuel to your fire here.   :'(

Thanks Linda

Karma will probably now make up some badgerwank excuse like "I did it on purpose, I was getting her to be angry with me rather than her husband"

W

Why dont WE all STFU here!

Wendy.....deal with him tomorrow......end of flame thread, no?

Edit to add: Unless you want to keep this going!

wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 9:43pm:

Why dont WE all STFU here! Wendy.....deal with him tomorrow......end of flame thread, no?

Good advice Jonny- will get on with some more washing because I just can't go to bed- it's nearly 3am here anyway and I'm not sleepy

btw- I didn't say anything in front of the kid (never,ever do, it's wrong) but was a bit cool with him when he came in- hence why he was aggressive I think, and he really was pretty drunk.

Night all

W

Adrenaline is a great abortive for as long as it lasts in my experience, sucks big time when it wears off though (and that's not advice to stay angry! High BP isn't good either!)

You definitely have the right to be angry - bollocks to anyone who says otherwise and as for the comment about "he got home safe" - well that just beggar's belief. That made ME angry, so it's okay to drink and drive as long as you don't hit anyone? God's teeth.

You know best what you have to do regards the ultimatum W, I know it's as much if not more that he lied that is pissing you off than what he lied about (drinking)

I don't know the answer for you, I'm not going to tell you what to do, you know what your choices are and it's up to you to decide whats the best way to move. Whatever you decide, venting here is good as it gets the anger and betrayal out so you can think straight.

Hang in there girlie - and no O2 hangover cures for anyone tomorrow!!

Helen

No wendy, I did mean what I said. I also said I didn't condone what was done.
Maybe a bit harsh but after getting hit 10-12 times a day for the last three days I am in no mood to be coddling.
Thats not an excuse but probably a pretty good reason i shouldn't have gotten involved to begin with.

Wendy,

Tomorrow would be a much better time to deal with him.  One, you'll be a little more cooled off and two, he'll be sober.   If this has been just a one time incident then maybe there is room for forgiveness.  That being said, drunk driving is very serious.  You should really express that he cannot do that again.  As far as the lying... you have to make up your mind.  Is this bad enough to divorce him over?  Do you want to spend days or weeks angry about it?  Or can you get over it?  It has to be what you feel.

I'll be thinking of you.

Jeannie

i'm totally with Brew on this one...................................

karma wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 9:49pm:

No wendy, I did mean what I said. I also said I didn't condone what was done. Maybe a bit harsh but after getting hit 10-12 times a day for the last three days I am in no mood to be coddling. Thats not an excuse but probably a pretty good reason i shouldn't have gotten involved to begin with.

I don't want "coddling", in fact I hate it. I hate platitudes, I hate fake sympathy and I hate lying.

I will take your above post as the nearest you are capable of to an apology.

I hope your head is better soon, but I am afraid that is another reason why I feel betrayed by my husband- he knows I need him very much at the moment to help me manage as this is quite a bad cycle and I am afraid supporter excuses about him being "powerless to help me with my CH" and can't handle it won't wash either. All I ask him to do as a slightly larger share of school runs etc.

W

Jeannie wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 9:55pm:

Wendy, Tomorrow would be a much better time to deal with him.  One, you'll be a little more cooled off and two, he'll be sober.   If this has been just a one time incident then maybe there is room for forgiveness.  That being said, drunk driving is very serious.  You should really express that he cannot do that again.  As far as the lying... you have to make up your mind.  Is this bad enough to divorce him over?  Do you want to spend days or weeks angry about it?  Or can you get over it?  It has to be what you feel. I'll be thinking of you. Jeannie

Thanks Jeannie

I don't see this as a divorce issue, unless this behaviour turns out to be a symptom of something much worse. Truthfully that is what I am concerned about. Men don't talk a problem, they "act" it.

W

Your very welcome. I used to "teach" anger managment workshops where the state would send people who had been convicted for abusing a loved one.

I do not know you or your motives or your husbands (who really can know others enough to give advice in situations like this?) but I can share my experience.

If you want to head down the road to divorce, the best bet would be to jump all over your man, rub his nose in his shit and *proverbally* back him in a corner then continue to beat him until he either; hits back, lies to get out the situation, or loses all trust in the situation and goes on "auto-pilot".

If you want a truer response try waiting for a bit, then offer somethomg true to him about yourself in this situation (making yourself vulnerable) and sincerly ask him what is going on? Be as general as possible and a good listener and you may find out some things you were perviously un-aware of. If you demand to many specific answers you will be leading the conversation yourself to the answers YOU want to hear, and those may not be the truth or they may mask a deeper problem. Never interupt even if he is wrong - remember the person that is doing the listenting is getting all the knowledge - knowledge is power!

I have seen beating a person into submission work as well, but I think getting them to go where you want under their own power has a much better result. And I assume this is a person you love and want to remain married to and the father of your child.

Again, I hope you can find the right key!

Be Safe! and try to enjoy your PF time - what a silver lining! Woot!

Peace to you.

edited for my great speling

Wendy,

Maybe it was just a bad decision.  Try not to over think it.  See how tomorrow goes.

Jeannie

superhawk2300 wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 10:03pm:

Your very welcome. I used to "teach" anger managment workshops where the state would send people who had been convicted for abusing a loved one. I do not know you or your motives or your husbands (who really can know others enough to give advice in situations like this?) but I can share my experience. If you want to head down the road to divorce, the best bet would be to jump all over your man, rub his nose in his shit and *proverbally* back him in a corner then continue to beat him until he either; hits back, lies to get out the situation, or loses all trust in the situation and goes on "auto-pilot". If you want a truer response try waiting for a bit, then offer sometime true to him about yourself (making yourself vulnerable) and sincerly ask him what is going on? Be as general as possible and a good listener and you may find out some things you were perviously un-aware of. If you demand to many specific answers you will be leading the conversation yourself to the answers YOU want to hear, and those may not be the truth or they may mask a deeper problem. Never interupt even if he is wrong - remember the person that is doing the listenting is getting all the knowledge - knowledge is power! I have seen beating a person into submission work as well, but I think getting them to go where you want under their own power has a much better result. And I assume this is a person you love and want to remain married to and the father of your child. Again, I hope you can find the right key! Be Safe! and try to enjoy your PF time - what a silver lining! Woot! Peace to you.

I promise I don't do "beating up" I save that for Jonny!

I am actually a very reasonable person and had already planned to try and establish where the hostility was coming from in case it IS more than his guilt talking.

So sad that men are often so childlike in situations like this though- like naughty schoolboys caught in the act and instead of just saying "sorry" and putting it right, they try and lie their way out of it and make it worse.

Ho hum, tomorrow (or today here) is another day as Scarlett said...

W

:-* :-* :-*Helen

ALLRIGHT!  
Wendy's had a bad enough night! Stop it now! she asked for advice....constructive advice, I think, is what she meant!
Here's her sitch........sometimes, restating helps....

*Her husband said he would be home by 7:30...
*He arrived home smelling and acting of alcohol
*when confronted, he lied
*his words toward her were abusive
*he could've killed himself, or his career
and, if that doesn't speak to you,
HELLOOO!! Wendy's in cycle and needs some support!!!!!

Now, knock off the infighting and if you have something CONSTRUCTIVE to say, please do.......
B$....I'll bet you could give some very important input here........

Now, back to work.........
Cathi

Ok I got it Wendy its from an old Cheech and Chong record I have
"bailiff whack his pee pee"  Terry did I make you smile Ü

So sorry this had to happen to you!

I think the best thing in this situation would be to remain calm and "become vulnerable", as Superhawk here said. Tell him how you felt - you were afraid - for him being drunk away from home, for him risking his health and his career, and you didn't understand why he did what he did. You also felt bad when you realised he had lied to you and how he treated you in front of the kid. You could also play the guilt card, and tell him the exact words your kid said. If you want to be manipulative, send the kid to tell him how he felt that night before you say anything to him.

I've got to hand it to your husband, though - he's a bloody good driver, considering he was as drunk as a fox and drove one hour to home without anyone noticing he was drunk ;)

I hope you'll sort this out. PF wishes to you!

- Rosa

Ungweliante wrote on Sep 4^th, 2008 at 6:11am:

I've got to hand it to your husband, though - he's a bloody good driver, considering he was as drunk as a fox and drove one hour to home without anyone noticing he was drunk ;)

Not something I'd teach my son to be proud of.

He is very, very sorry this morning and utterly unable to explain himself or his behaviour and is not denying any of it, thankfully because that would have done even more damage. We haven't had a chance to really talk as he had to go to work but will do this evening.

Thanks everyone for being there while I "sounded off"

I know there are others here with far worse problems than this and I hope you will forgive the short term angst ridden posts. You can tell that this was all the more shocking as it was behaviour I haven't seen for 20 years. Perhaps the "mid-life crisis" thing has a grain of truth?

I think he needs to talk to our son as well as I covered it last night to kid by blaming myself to try and stop him being too scared. I told him that Mummy and Daddy were very cranky with each other because of the many sleepless nights (he knows roughly what a CH cycle means) and he appeared to be happy with this explanation.

Thanks to everyone again

W the B

Sounds like things are about as well as tehy can be, so you must be doing all the right things on your end!

Hope things stay as well as they can be for you and improve!!

Peace to you and yours

Wendy,

I'm glad to hear that things are on the mend.   I hope that you are pf soon as well.  

Jeannie

ClusterChuck wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 8:19pm:

Lorena Bobbit?

surprised that only chuck would come to that extreme solution?  nope (lmao)

Many many moons ago I had a prob with Sam getting drunk then wanting to jump on his bike.  Granted he is not a drinker normally, but the very few times he was to that point he was an ass.  One time that sticks out is him trying to take off on his motorcycle.  Whatever did I do you may wonder?!  Well his bike had a seat that needed a key to unlock it and thus get to the battery (which I wanted to unplug) but he had the key, so as he tried to hop on it I ripped and tugged any wires I could get my hands on.  In the midst of this I knocked the bike over onto him!  No broken bones but he sure was feeling the pain and plus he could not start it (thanks to me, hah!)  That was the very last time he tried to drink and drive.

Crazy times happen, it just should never ever be the norm.  

I was trying to add a bit, but wanted add a bit more....

We are all human, thus we are flawed, and emotions always affect us.  doesn't right wrongs, but it puts perspective in if you choose to see it.