from the news.  I have GOT to stop watching it alltogether!!  TV can be like poision to me and my anxiety is just through the roof!!

Losing my little boy to school was hard enough, and now this whole election thing has got my stomach in knots.  I can't sleep at night, panic attacks are back, but I'm trying so very hard to work through it all.  I know a lot of it stems from my childhood.  I'm back to smoking again after 4 years quit, and will definately quit again, but I have to take care of my anxiety/depression first.  I owe it to myself to quit beating myself up about every little frickin thing I do that keeps me from being some fantasy of a perfect mother, wife and friend.  NO MORE!!  I have lost my self and I am on a quest to find me again.  I'll be damned if I'm going to give up!

I wanted to say this on here because you are all my family and the internet at this time is not a good thing for me to be "browsing", so I have made CH.com my homepage, which I've never done, because I always had some news page before and I have to distance myself from it as much as I can.

If you find me posting a ton, please just understand it's therapy.  Or, if I don't post much at all, it's because I'm finding other healthy things to do.

Love you all, and thank you for the vent.

:'(mel

BTW, don't worry, I'm going to be alright!!!  Going to get up the courage to go visit my Grandma today.  I love her to death and I need to start seeing her more often.  Because when she's gone, the wisdom goes with her.

luv,
me

Ok, I won't worry, but I WILL be sending all the good, positive, bright thoughts and energy I got your way...how's that?

[smiley=hug.gif]

Lots of love and happy thoughts are being sent to you Mel!  Do what you need to do to feel better!  BTW, You sound as if you are a pretty terrific Mom to me!

Jeannie ;)

Bake a pie and take it over the woods to Grandmaw's house. Just don't let the big bad wolf eat you up on the way... :)

Seriously -- we all get this way around the first of school..... We used to have a "mother's meeting" when school started just to get over this part.... It will pass, but in the meantime, give grandmaw a big hug from all of us....

Hugs BD

Sorry you are having a tough time of it right now Mel. :(

BTW, smoking is not the end of the world, ok! ;)

here is a hug for you all the way from Canada. [smiley=hug.gif]

And another hug for you, this one is domestic. ;D [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif]
all the best
thebb

Sorry to read that you're having a difficult time.  You will find peace with yourself Mel.  We're all pulling for you. [smiley=hug.gif]

Mark

i have serious case of anxiety disorder daily and have for years. i too like to hide from social things. so sister I can relate and am more than happy to talk with you anytime. I understand
 completely   breathe deep and the wave will pass keep you mind occupied and i will be thinking of you.

Karl

mel....................my heart goes out to you and i can sooooooo feel your pain................................YES..............u will find u again.........it may take a bit of time, but u WILL get u back.remember, U NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST, THAT WILL BE YOUR PRIORITY, FOR WHEN YOU ARE HEALTHY IN MIND/SOUL YOU WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF OTHERS"....................i am older than you, my chldren are older, but i have been there, oh one too many times, and still "find myself" there at times..........................Remember, taking care of you is not 'selfish"................u will get through this..............................
deb [smiley=hug.gif]

   
Quote:

BTW, don't worry, I'm going to be alright!!!

Of course you are.  There's never been a doubt in my mind.  ;)

Thank you everyone for your kind words of encouragement and support.  It's important for me to make my family aware of what I'm going through and I can see that it was a good thing to do. :)

Grandma wasn't home, seems she forgot I was going to come and see her. :(  Tis OK though, my Aunt (bio fathers sister), who lives right down the road from her happened to be home as she had off work today, so I stopped and visited with her.  I'm so glad I did as she was very surprised and happy to see Ava and I. :)  I didn't dare go into Walfart to do my shopping as Fridays are a zoo, so I'll go with Jesse on Tuesday after Ava has her 6 month checkup.

Came home after ordering 2 things off the dollar menu at McDonald's and Ava actually let me sleep for 45 minutes while she played in her Jumperoo.  I then laid her down for her nap, went outside and walked around, smelled the fall air and laid in the grass to look at the clouds with my dog.

I think that tonight will be much better than the last 4 nights I've had. :)

You guys are the best, I love you!
mel

Sorry you're having such a hard time. For God sake turn off the news. Look at PBS or something.

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Oh...One more thing Mel.

   There is no such thing as a perfect Mother.  Stop trying to be.  You love your kids, they love you. You do the best you can and let heaven sort out the rest.   There!  I have spoken.   lol

In my mind you are a sweet considerate person who adores her family and is always around to help a friend. I've also been blessed to see your creative side!

I am sorry you are haveing a tough time. I haven't watched the local or national TV news for years (it is banned). It made me feel much better and with the way things are now days if I need to know something I can go look for it any time I want. I think tuning it off is a good idea to try.

I worked out of town (as usual) a couple days this week and just got home. I miss my kids so much when I am gone and the girl going to school has made it harder - so I feel what you are saying about your little man.

This is gonna sound gay (no offense CC) but I seriously force myself to think of my kids when I am having a tough patch during some work trip and the roads are hell and I am late which mean I won't get to pick my kids up and there were more cuts at work today, etc and it really helps. There is a kids song about thinking happy thoughts and I think there is some wisdom there......

I hope you feel better soon.

Hey babe... you are awesome... Look in that mirror and say IM GREAT IM GREAT IM GREAT... first day it might be hard but then you will see its pretty easy when your GREAT to say that you are.  

And as for coming here for therapy... you can come and sit on my couch anytime you want to...

that will save you about $250.00 a wack...

love you lady
Ree

;D ::) Hey Mel,
       I haven't been posting much, but your thread really hits home with me!
       I lost myself once not too long ago, as you might remember!  I didn't start smoking again, but I did learn a thing or two about dealing with the finding yourself again.
      Put the ciggie's down and get your camera and bicycle, go for a ride and look at all the things around you that you over look in your rushed to deal with daily life routine.
      Careful though, when you do find yourself again, you just might be shocked to findout that you are that wonderful, beautiful, enegetic and creative person everyone has been talking to for years!
      That's my slant on it anyhow! If you need to talk I am always availavle, just let me know and I will send you the phone numbers.
                                     Your Broter John

I call it "disaster fatigue."  Whether it's an killer earthquake in China, a hurricane, elections, or just that my house is a disaster or whatever . . . . . time to tune it all out and look for the great things in life.

Perspective is the hard won reward of introspection and reflection.  Laying in the grass with the dog is a great start!

Mel,

I'm not going tell you what to do or what not to do. I'll simply let you know that I'm thinking about you, your family, and everybody's welfare. In the end, you'll get it all sorted out - you're a strong woman.

Hang in there, kiddo. We all luvs ya.

Bill

I know exactly what you're talking about... the anxiety sucks...
I'm sending you all the vibes I can muster... remember to breath... sometimes if you just concentrate on nice slow deep breaths and nothing else for a few minutes... it does a world of good.


with warm regards,
Tony

Linda_Howell wrote on Sep 5^th, 2008 at 8:53pm:

Oh...One more thing Mel.    There is no such thing as a perfect Mother.  Stop trying to be.  You love your kids, they love you. You do the best you can and let heaven sort out the rest.   There!  I have spoken.   lol

Amen, sistah!  I know that God knew me well enough to make me really flawed.  If there had been a chance on earth that I could be perfect I would be really hard to live with;)

Breath Mel,  you are wonderful:)  (just the way you are....)

Kimberly

hugs to you, Mel - Luinda stole my lines so go back and read her posts, she speaks the truth.

I can so relate to you Mel. The news is depressing. I watch very little TV mostly cartoons and sports. There would be no TV if I was single.
The mother thing, you will question yourself about that for life. My children are grown and I still beat my self up from time to time.
I do hope you stop smoking again.

Your in my thoughts everyday. Listen to Linda and Margi.

Sending hugs.

Melly, I soo agree with you! Sometimes things seem like  s*it sammich..... but, ya know what? You've got love ,baby! Your man loves ya, your kids love ya.   and the perfect Mom thing?  HIGHLY  overrated! You nuture your kids, protect them and assure them that will never change....THAT's a perfect mom!
Don't worry so much about politics and people bashing, don't worry about the roast beef and mashed potatoes you want to put on your table every night. Continue to GIVE what you have in your heart...it's all they really want, and all they really need.........
as for the politicians, well, they're on their own......
Now, raise your right hand waay up over your head....... now raise your left hand them same way, face your palms toward each other.....and give yourself a big ole HIGH FIVE! Now, feel everyone here wrapping you with love........see? Some things will never change....
:-*  Cathi