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Daily Chat >> General Posts >> Diplomatic problem http://www.clusterheadaches.com/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl?num=1229563961 Message started by pubgirl on Dec 17th, 2008 at 8:32pm |
Title: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 17th, 2008 at 8:32pm
Childless and rather odd older brother has ignored my polite suggestions for what to buy his nephew for Christmas (e.g. Wii games, books etc) and has just told me he has bought my 9 year old son some Tim Burton films for Christmas:
Namely: Edward Scissorhands The Legend of Sleepy Hollow Beetlejuice Need the board diplomats' help on handling this one because unless I am going mad they are absolutely NOT ok for a child even if he thinks he is a teenager sometimes: aaarrrggghh! |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Frank_W on Dec 17th, 2008 at 8:36pm
Can you get the receipt and exchange them?
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Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 17th, 2008 at 8:49pm
That isn't the problem.
How do I tell him he is so way off that he has to change them. Me and my bro' don't get on as you may have guessed. He has no interest in his nephew, never speaks to him if he can help it and when he does, he talks AT him or criticises his behaviour. as you may have guessed- diplomatic problem runs rather deeper than just a wrong choice of DVD (although I am baffled how he could have thought they were right!!!) |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Frank_W on Dec 17th, 2008 at 8:54pm
I would just tell him that the movies are inappropriate for his age and level of acceptance. When all else fails, just be plain and blunt, is my advice. Couch it diplomatically... "I really appreciate the time you took to pick out a gift for him, but I don't think he's ready for these movies just yet. He hasn't seen ____ yet though, and he's been wanting to see it..." and go from there.
I can appreciate your position. Families are prickly things, aren't they? |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 17th, 2008 at 8:59pm
Thanks Frank :-*
I can be really tactful when I want to (don't laugh everyone here, I really can!) but my brother has such appalling relationships with pretty much everyone in the family that he takes offence really easily so I am paranoid. Families at Christmas- aaaarrrrghhhh again, haven't even got together yet, THEN the feathers fly, and they ain't the turkey's! W |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Frank_W on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:01pm
Well, if you do your best and it still turns into an emotional punch-up, you can take comfort that you gave it your best shot. My family all lives in California and I live in Tennessee. Eh.. That's close enough! ((HUG)) Good luck!
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Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by AussieBrian on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:04pm
It's my guess he's well aware the films are inappropriate, Pubster, and this is his way of exercising control over you personally.
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Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:08pm
Aussiebrian
You are a psychic bastard because that is EXACTLY what I think so maybe I am not paranoid- just accurate!. Nobody could be that stupid. My brother is a wanker and he hates me (sad but true, he told everyone at the Christmas dinner table a few years ago, that WAS a fun year) Oh joy! Another Christmas looms W |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Frank_W on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:10pm
Jeez.. What a bastard. In that case, don't say a word. Buy him "Stuart Little," "The Lion King," and, "Cinderella." Hrmph!
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Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:15pm
Frank
I am afraid he IS a bastard, but we all humour him for my Mum and Dad's sake. Christmas is very stressful as a result. We and my other brother (who loathes him too and who I get on very well with) usually avoid him for most of the year. The dark side of Christmas, sorry, but it is bad when a kid is involved W P.S. Your suggestions aren't bad enough ;D |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Rolomatic on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:21pm
Wendy,
Get your brother some playdough and an E-Z bake oven for charismas… Add a note in his card to remind him to have an adult insert the 100 watt bulb in the oven. Rolo… :D |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by thebbz on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:24pm
Sorry to butt in. just a suggestion...tell him if he cant buy appropriate gifts, piss off. You can pick your friends but not your family.
all the best :) She said wanker...he.he...hee :D the bb |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Frank_W on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:27pm
If that's the case, why bother trying to get along with him? His gift is inappropriate. Tell him so. If he gets all bent out of shape, it's not your problem, and the rest of the family knows that you aren't the one to blame. I could offer some really nasty gift suggestions, but I'm trying to behave. Heh...
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Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:35pm
Kind of vainly hoped someone might have a magic answer.
I know there isn't one as Christmas means ALL the family or none. None is looking very good at the moment, especially to my poor, long suffering husband who isn't even related! Awful thing to say but when my Mum and Dad are gone, it will be much simpler as I will have precisely no reason whatever to see him ever again and my other brother has already said that he personally will end all contact. Sorry folks- I am a very honest person and usually tell it how it is, but this is the one thing I CAN'T do here. Hence the need for a magic answer. W |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Frank_W on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:38pm
I have an older sister from whom I've been estranged for 17 years, and I don't care to ever see her again. When she wanted something from me, she was as sweet as pie, but as soon as she got whatever she wanted, I could count on her to go right back to being vicious, cruel, jealous, petty, and... monstrous. Hard to believe we grew up under the same roof... So yeah, I fully understand.
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Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:42pm
:-* Frank
I'm hanging in there by my fingernails sometimes and mouth :-X. Christmas shouldn't be dreaded but I do. For my son's sake we will be very jolly Thanks for all your help. Will politely suggest brother changes DVDs or gives them to me as I don't have them - how's that? W |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by thebbz on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:44pm
Sorry dear, sometimes there is no magic answer. Matters of the heart are so tough, I hate it for you. Reason and logic are you best bet. You and your brother have a connection...use it. Wished I could help more.
the bb |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:45pm wrote on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:44pm:
Connection? We have the same parents. "Period" as you Yanks would say |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Frank_W on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:58pm pubgirl wrote on Dec 17th, 2008 at 9:42pm:
There's your magic answer! ((HUG)) |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 17th, 2008 at 10:44pm
This thread has done more than the words might say.
Bless the person here :-* who has suggested something I had slightly suspected about the "unwellness" of my bro' which may help me at least understand the why of this. Not a secret at all, just not relevant to everyone and may be a wrong theory. Am off to do some reading and try and learn some more Thanks again all Love W |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by BMoneeTheMoneeMan on Dec 17th, 2008 at 10:51pm
There is a sequel to the Lion King that just came out.
It's called the Liein' Bastard. U should get that |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 17th, 2008 at 11:02pm
Am thinking more along the lines of Polar Express 8-)
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Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Charlie on Dec 17th, 2008 at 11:28pm
Dammit. What's wrong with buying some silly, fun or even stupid films this time of year? Some really dumb comedies or not very demanding adventures would work for me. I think you'll do okay but add in something that won't require much attention to enjoy.
The world is dark enough. Charlie |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Kevin_M on Dec 18th, 2008 at 7:02am
I'm not so diplomatic but it sounds like brother is a Tim Burton fan. The first two Batmans were Tim Burton's, if it's not too late to suggest these instead, they seem like movies that could be compromising terms you could watch with your son.
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Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by seasonalboomer on Dec 18th, 2008 at 7:14am
Buy him, unbeknownst, a daily wake-up call service about n hour before he would regularly like to wake up..... Give him a card that simply says, "May your days begin with Joy in the New Year"
>:( Scott |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Jackie on Dec 18th, 2008 at 7:51am
I'd probably do or say nothing. He may just be looking for a reaction form you. Sounds like he's a wart hog and constantly looking to stir the pot....especially where you are concerned. Give him no dialogue and he'll probably be terribly disappointed. I'd probably be as gracious as possible, thank him kindly and give him a hug...hoping all the while he'd have to go change his messed britches.... ;)
Take the gift and put it away, trade it, sell it or trash it. ;) Much Love, Jackie |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by nani on Dec 18th, 2008 at 8:55am
One of the hardest things I've had to learn is that there are people that will never meet my expectations.
If it were me, I'd smile, thank him and explain to the boy (in front of him) that Uncle so and so got him a present that he can't see until he's older. Tell him that 5 years from now, he'll really enjoy them. Then, just leave it at that. He'll never change, so why waste any energy on him? Even children have to be disappointed sometimes, so it's a good lesson for your son as well. Families can suck ... but we don't have to let them get to us. hugs, nani |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 18th, 2008 at 10:11am
Thanks everyone
The kindly and polite variations on a "do nothing" look the safest under the circumstances with a very volatile and explosive character who is quite capable of ruining everyone's Christmas without seeming to notice or care (I'm not exaggerating, he has done it before on at least 3 previous Christmases) My son sees him as an irrelevance to his life so he will not be too upset I don't think. Just cross with us when we won't let him watch them! So bloody tempting one day to have the showdown my brother deserves but we haven't yet in 47 years and that day is certainly not Christmas Day As you say Nani, unless he gets help he won't change and he never would get help as he thinks he is right about everything in the world and it is everyone else with a problem! You will love this quote from an email from him yesterday: I had said "You may be right" about somethig and his response was ""I expect you're right": isn't that like saying "I expect the sun to rise tomorrow"? (he wasn't joking!) I DON'T have a hope there do I? |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Frank_W on Dec 18th, 2008 at 10:31am
Let him think he's right about everything. What harm is there in that? It's like giving a three-year old a biscuit and a pat on the head so they'll piss off and quit bothering you. ;D
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Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Artonio on Dec 18th, 2008 at 11:55am
Your brother sounds like a total A$$HOLE... why in the name of god would you allow him to even come near your son, let alone offer your son gifts.
I would tell the jerk wad that the only thing you want him to give your son is a great deal of distance between the two of them. Happy holidays! with warm regards, Tony |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by debOUCH on Dec 18th, 2008 at 12:23pm
W - I also feel that your brother is doing this on purpose to get a "rise out of you"......................I KNOW the feeling all 2 well...........
I am the oldest of 4 girls, Susan, 44 & Michelle, 33, and I get along great, HOWEVER my sista Lori who is 47, is the EXTREMELY DIFFICULT one, and we consider her the "black sheep" of the family.......(We think she may have had too many concussions as a child!!!!).........Throughout all these years, Lori has been "coddled" by everyone, and still is, except by me...............About 3 years ago I had enough of her, put her in her place, and have not spoken to her since then..........My other sisters and I "agree to disagree", but not Lori.........I have no regrets regarding this estrangement, and I feel the bottom line is, even though she is family, you do not have to like each other! You will decide which course of action to take with your brother...."GO with your gut feeling, that woman's intuition", it's usually always right!!! debs |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Paul98 on Dec 18th, 2008 at 12:58pm pubgirl wrote on Dec 17th, 2008 at 8:59pm:
This is HIS problem! Be direct, polite and honest with him and let him shoulder the burden. Why should you have to be put in a difficult position for his inability to get along with his family? -P. |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Em on Dec 18th, 2008 at 3:41pm
I'm so glad that it's not just me.
My family are fab - when we fall out, we just fall out, have a good fight and then get on with things. But about 6 weeks ago, my OH's brother and girlfriend came over to say goodbye because we were leaving South Wales and they acted like complete tw*ts for the whole afternoon. I got upset and peed off (for my OH and his mum's sake) and sent what I thought was very constructive but firm email about the way they behaved and haven't spoken since. Now, his bro isn't best man at the wedding and they haven't spoken to us since. Ooops... I don't think we've lost anything really - I don't want people like that in my life, but my OH only has a small family. Sorry to hijack - but Wendy, you're not alone in the family dept issues. I agree - don't let him get a rise out of you because that's what he wants! Can you not take them out from under the tree before they're opened and hide them? :) |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by LeLimey on Dec 18th, 2008 at 4:11pm
My suggestions are
1. If you open presents altogether, ie whole family together then if you can't change things is to let the short kiddo have his present from uncle early on in the proceedings. That way, you can discreetly remove them and hide them and no one is any the wiser. 2. If you open pressies at home, just you, Big Al and then buy some different DVD's and give them to him instead. Then he can just say thank you for the DVD's and that be the end of it It's fraught with stress no matter which way you look at it. Christmas and families always seems to come with a very short fuse and a LOT of gunpowder! |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by fubar on Dec 18th, 2008 at 5:02pm
I must just be a cold-hearted bastard, because I find the whole notion of allowing *anybody* to wind you up like that to be no better than a self-inflicted injury.
Why worry about it, seriously? If he's an ass, don't associate with him. I would never allow a person like that (brother or not) to be around my children or give them gifts. If you know what to expect from him, and it's nothing good, stay the hell away from him. There is nothing wrong with shutting people like that out of your life. The holidays are no reason to be more lenient, in fact, you should be *more* protective of your happiness during this time of the year. Giving people a second chance in the name of the holiday spirit is one thing, but letting them turn the holidays into a stressful occasion serves no purpose. Tell him you no longer want to play these games, and that his passive-aggressive attacks on your happiness are over. I stopped talking to my mother over 15 years ago when she wouldn't stop pulling this kind of crap, and I have no regrets. Relatives don't have any special rights to cause you grief, IMO. -Shawn |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by pubgirl on Dec 18th, 2008 at 5:44pm wrote on Dec 18th, 2008 at 5:02pm:
I agree really Shawn, it isn't cold-hearted, just sensible. I have almost nothing to do with him most of the time now. When my mother dies I decided long ago that I would have no more to do with him and neither will my other brother, but I just can't bring myself to do it now for her sake. She has always been a perfect Mum to me but has lived her life in a rosy bubble, mostly blinding herself to what is obvious to everyone else about him. My parents sent him to a Harley Street psychologist once in his 20's when he had one of his "breakdowns" but he wasn't prepare to "join in" so it was useless. She is too old to handle it now. Simple as that really. If it were just me, I would have ended contact many years ago without a backward glance and I may still do this if it gets out of control. We are all in Scotland together this year (we have our own space though in an annexe, thank God!), but if he causes trouble it WILL be the last time I inflict him on my long suffering Big Al and George at Christmas. Thanks for all the help everyone. So sad that Christmas brings stuff like this up when it should be something to look forward to. We will make sure George has the best time and sod everyone else W |
Title: Re: Diplomatic problem Post by Frank_W on Dec 18th, 2008 at 9:37pm
Maybe buy your brother an inflatable ewe. Maybe if he's gettin' laid, he wouldn't be such a jerk. [smiley=sgrin.gif]
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