You'll never be free. Wounds stay with you forever. Oh, sure, things get better and most people are optimistic, but can you ever get over trauma? I have not been hit by a cluster in more than two years, but I keep indelible memories of Kip 10s and ER embarrassments fresh in memory. My stash of Trex must be valued in the thousands. I have six full E-tanks and my regulator of stainless steel.

I have old-age problems more threatening than clusters, but I fear clusters more. Once you are wounded, you are always wounded, like a branded calf or an outcast woman with an "A" on her forehead. Inside, you will always be a clusterhead and on your guard.

If you live in this modern world that assumes there is a cure for all ills, you might be sitting on your couch watching crap of no consequence while your brain silently deals with the hidden trauma, be it clusters or physical or mental trauma, perhaps PTSD. There is no magic elixir. No one has ever cured a brain malady. We each must deal with our own deal. Jonny and Boob are almost as stupid as I am. About the best we can do is swap jokes, because after a few years, you learn how to deal with yourself. The first step for me came from some advice more than ten years ago. I think it was either from Drummer or Jack. One of them said "Get over yourself." After 30 years of this shit, it's still rule No. 1.

Now, short term: If you let yourself get in a bind and you get hit with no Trex or O2 or whatever--do one of these things, or all three: One. Put a teaspoon of hot sauce (Tabasco or Cholula) under your tongue. Don't swallow, just let it soak into your blood stream. It will not burn under your tongue, but it will burn your lips and the top of your tongue, so don't put it there. Second. Hyperventilate. Short breaths in and out to fill your lungs with O2 and deplete the nitrogen. It won't abort without 100% O2, but it will help keep the level down. Find cold air to breathe. Sit right in front of an air conditioner, maybe stick your head in cold water, dive in a cold pond, use an ice pack, eat a fudge cycle...use your imagination. Deep knee bends, running in place, drink a cold soda, a cup of coffee.......Attacks always end. Fire houses have oxygen, ERs have oxygen, wives or husbands have baseball bats. There's always something. As a last resort, whine.

fdharden wrote on Dec 22^nd, 2008 at 5:18am:

Inside, you will always be a clusterhead and on your guard.

Good little reminder to live up to experience says.     ;)

How very true Frank.  We all live with scars from our past and it is a mix of this that makes us what we are.  I will never let go of CH, I just have learned to live WITH IT because it defines me now and I feel I am a better person for having known the beast.  Pretty sucky way to have part of ones life defined but shit happens.

You know what they say, when life serves you lemons...............

There are many things in life that I consider worse than CH and many of them I can do nothing about.  CH I can deal with.  The others...??????????

No one said life is easy my friend.  Many times I just want to pack it in......In those times I look at the love I have for people and some how it keeps me going.

-P.

Excellent post. Thank you...  [smiley=thumb.gif]

I disagree with you entirely, fdharden, while fully respecting your right to express an honest opinion. It's my personal belief that CHeads can choose to be victims or victors and I made my decision a long time ago.

Mind you, it was still a nice piece of writing and I thank you for it.

I think I agree with you....but I'm not sure that I'm quite as dark about it though. Maybe however.

Who I am is certainly molded by the experiences in the CH cauldron. There are downsides to that outcome and, I choose to believe, some upsides as well. Can't change it so we have to accept it.

Scott

Can't say that I see anything to agree or disagree with in the original post.  

The ways that we come to accommodate ourselves to the fact that CH isn't going to go away anytime soon are highly individual.  

Some accept it, some resign themselves to it, some fight back with everything they have.  Some are hopeful, some are fatalistic.  One way or another, we all get through it as best we can.  Our viewpoint probably depends in part on how CH manifests.  Those who don't know when to expect it, and those who get nailed every day are going to have a different outlook than those whose onset is predictable and episodic.

Purely on a personal level...as a reliable episodic, it's more a matter of viewing the calendar with a jaundiced eye than anything else.  Here it comes.  Oh well.  Get through it, and be done with it.

FIDO.  (F*ck it.  Drive on.)   ;)

Best,

George    

 

I get the drift, I think.

All I can add is that even though it's been 17 years since a serious hit, now and then I get stuck trying to explain CH to some airhead on a bus or doctor office. So far I haven't killed anybody. They don't know how lucky they are that I'm rarely armed.

Charlie

"I disagree with you entirely, fdharden, while fully respecting your right to express an honest opinion. It's my personal belief that CHeads can choose to be victims or victors and I made my decision a long time ago."

Hmmm. Perhaps we also read unintended intentions into things. My main point is that we are what we are--not optimistic or pessimistic. It's reality that we must deal with--or not. I don't see myself as a victim (of DNA) or a victor (with O2 or Trex). My intention--perhaps too simplistic--was to portray my ways of dealing with this thing of ours. It helps to know that Jonny and Boob are almost as stupid as I am. I've never known either of them to whine, but they've proven many times to be weird.

Paco

Man is the only creature capable of self pity, and a willingness to wallow in it.

The sooner one accepts their condition, the sooner their life will be fulfilling again.


Roland. [smiley=bulb2.gif]

Well said, Paco.  And from this side of the fence, I think long time live-in supporters are the same in many ways.  Sometimes we can keep the closet door closed on that time-bomb and go about life in the usual way.  But I don't think any one of us ever forgets it's still there.

FIDO - Thank you, George - I've been looking for a new saying.  That works!  ;)

Oh and Franklin, you were right about one other thing too....that BobP and Jonny are a wee bit weird sometimes.  Especially Bob.    

I have to get in line right behind you, Paco.

The raw fear of the next real K10 has always been a driving force for me. Sure, I get over a bad hit and feel downright victorious for making it out the other side. But deep inside it’s always there…..lurking, waiting patiently for me let my guard down for even a minute. Maybe it's a mental defect, but that's how it is for me.

In particular, I have to wholeheartedly agree about Jonny and the Boob.

Even though I can't totally relate, I'd say you're on the mark.  Why am I not surprised.

Good read as usual, Paco

Jacks :-*

I remember at DalCon, seeing other clusterheads getting hit. I wasn't in cycle... Watching someone go through that and being in the role of supporter: Madre dios... I'm glad I'm a sufferer. It was sheer torture to see someone else getting hit and feeling basically helpless and useless.

Those of you who are supporters that live with a sufferer day in and day out: So much love and gratitude to you...

Jacks, I still remember your post, long ago, where you talked about the pain of being a supporter. I don't think I'll ever forget that.
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