Question, if you had the chance to apologize to someone you had said some mean things to that you regret which happened 17 years ago, would you do it?  How would you feel afterwards if, after saying your sorry, they said to you...


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Oh my god, that was so long ago....who cares!

...and that is ALL they had to say in reply?

I have a feeling I'm way too fucking nice for my own good. :-[

(btw, this person was way worse to me than I was to them)

Awww Mel,

It sounds as if you put your heart out there and it got stepped on.  It would appear that you are just a kinder soul than the person of which you speak.  Just remember that you did the right thing.  That's all that matters.   It is that person's loss if they don't see the value in what you did.  I'm sorry you were treated badly by that person back then and now. [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif]

Jeannie

People have forgotten what it means to be gracious, modest, and to have some humility or basic manners.

So sorry that they were insensitive and rude to you, Mel. They will reap what they have sown. "The best revenge is living well." Be good to yourself. ;)  [smiley=hug.gif]

Sounds like maybe that person said that to excuse their own past bad behavior........after all it was 17 years ago, it shouldn't matter anymore.......past rude behavior doesn't expire over time.

You got the chance and did good Mel.  That says alot about the type of person you are.

[smiley=hug.gif] Beth

Thats right. Never apologize for doing the right thing. You apologized for your part so you are released from that now. Their response makes no difference.

You took the high road. Thats what makes you....you.   And what makes you special to those that count you as their friend.

Jimi wrote on Jan 12^th, 2009 at 4:27pm:

Thats right. Never apologize for doing the right thing. You apologized for your part so you are released from that now. Their response makes no difference. You took the high road. Thats what makes you....you.   And what makes you special to those that count you as their friend.

^^^THIS!!  :)

You guys are so sweet!  Thank you! :-*

There's an organization that refers to this as cleaning your side of the street.  Offer amends to someone you've offended.  It doesn't matter if they accept or not.  The garbage is cleaned from your side of the street.

Enjoy walking on that clean sidewalk.

Bob offers some pretty good wisdom for an old guy  ;)

You did it, that's what counts.

I had a slightly different take.......I get a little embarrassed and word strung when someone apologizes to me........it wouldn't suprise me if the first thing outta my mouth was something dumb like ..."hell that was 10 years ago, forget about it!"

I do like Bob's analogy a lot......your sidealk is clean, it's all YOU have control over, it's all YOU should worry about! Love ya!

Joe

Mel don't ever stop being the sweetie that you are.  Good for you for taking the high road and apologizing to that person.  Remember you are the bigger person for offering that apology.

Guiseppi wrote on Jan 12^th, 2009 at 6:00pm:

I had a slightly different take.......I get a little embarrassed and word strung when someone apologizes to me........it wouldn't suprise me if the first thing outta my mouth was something dumb like ..."hell that was 10 years ago, forget about it!" I do like Bob's analogy a lot......your sidealk is clean, it's all YOU have control over, it's all YOU should worry about! Love ya! Joe

I'm with Joe, I would've thought all was well, it was 10 years ago, no hard feelings??

Any I LOVE Bob's analogy. I think I'm going to copy it and post it in my classroom!

Charlotte

I dunno, maybe I was expecting a thank you, or a "that's ok, I'm sorry too" kinda thing. :-/

No matter, I did it and I'm glad I did.  Water under the bridge now. :)

[smiley=hug.gif] A "Thanks, I'm sorry too" would have been nice.... but perhaps now you know what part of the problem was!  

I love Bob's analogy!  Combining the two... You're a beautiful wonderful person walking on a clean sidewalk over the bridge!

Laurie

[smiley=hug.gif]

You did what you felt you needed to, Mel.  It was the right thing for you.

To bad there are so few gracious people left in the world.  There's no excuse for bad manners.....period!

Love ya,
Jackie

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I get a little embarrassed and word strung when someone apologizes to me....

Joe, I am so sorry that I took that picture of you climbing a tree while we were in San Diego.   Do you forgive me?


Mel....Jimi is right.  YOU took the high road.

Joe, I am so sorry that I took that picture of you climbing a tree while we were in San Diego.   Do you forgive me?

I won Da@@it I won! I beat a girl!!!!!!....(dang that sounded dumb huh... :-/)

Joe ;D

Mel,

I would have said the same thing (sorry).  It's just a natural reaction to tell the person who is apologizing that they shouldn't have felt bad about it for that long... no big deal.  From my viewpoint, saying 'Thank you for apologizing' is basically saying 'Yes, I've been waiting for you to apologize for 17 years, so thank you for finally taking that burden off me'.  I don't think the response was out of line the way you described it.

You did the right thing, and I'm sure the other person probably thinks they responded properly.  In fact, I bet they would think you're a nut if you told them you were upset at their response.

'Course we KNOW you're a nut.

-Shawn

I would move on, you did all you can and do not lower your self to that persons level ever again. ;)

Well, now that I feel like a complete heel, I'm over it!!!! :P

Thx for the opinions, I see both sides now.  Carry on, nothing to see here! ;D

Maybe I'm fussy, but I think a sincere apology is a thing of beauty - mainly because a sincere apology is so rare these days (I'm not dissing you Mel, I was just ruminating on the nature of apologies).

How many times have you heard "I'm sorry if I hurt you."  That's not an apology - that's someone fishing around trying to find out what's bugging you.  They're willing to speak a phrase that sounds like an apology, but they have no idea if it's appropriate.

Or "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt"  - which, in my estimation is akin to saying "toughen up buttercup - you're too sensitive."

Why is the emphasis on the injured party being in the wrong?  My teenager shouts the word "Sorry" so eloquently that you can read this entire phrase into one word: "God, the only way I will get some peace around here is if I apologize."  And then as loud as he can . . . . ."Sorrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!"  It's about as insincere as it gets.

What ever happened to a simple "I'm sorry. I was out of line. I never should have said/done that, and I'll try not to do/say it again"??  The emphasis is on the perpetrator, not the victim.  That's what an apology is all about, IMHO.

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Feel good about yourself. You did the right thing. Venting here seems right too.

Charlie  8-)

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I LOVE Bob's analogy

Just so Paco doesn't have a hissy fit about plagerism, the analogy comes from the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book.  It's one of the 12 steps.

Oh good grief.  Here is the full context of what I had wrote, and I'm sure it sounds completely stupid and unimportant, but I wrote it not because of how "I" felt when it happened, but how I thought "she" felt when it happened.  That is what haunted me for all these years.  I know what it feels like to have all eyes upon you and be embarrassed so badly that you are afraid to show your face around anyone you know.

Anyway, here it is:


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As I had written, you didn't like me at the end of our senior year in H.S. because I dated Rick. That definitely wasn't a fun time and I said a few things to you that were mean and I am apologizing for them now. So, as I said, I hope life is treating you good and I hope you are happy. :) melissa

Now is that so bad?  Maybe some here thought it wasn't necessary, but I did.  And now that I've asked for opinions, I understand why she responded the way she did.  I also see from her response that she hasn't changed much.  She obviously must have forgotten that she did the same to me plus egg my parents house and put sugar in the gas tanks.  :-/

Whatever.  It's years ago, over and done with and I closed my chapter on it.  I feel much better now that I did it and I move on, like with everything else. :)

All I can say is that I can not wait to meet this wonderful group of people.  This board just goes to show the HUGE hearts that abound in this group.  Maybe it is the beast that puts this attitude out there.  Adam and I cannot WAIT until the convention.  After meeting Chuck, Bill, Scott & Kelly we are anxious to get to know some more of you.

Keep up the kind thoughts.

Louise

I'm reminded of the scene in "Flatliners" where Kevin Bacon visits a woman that he tormented, when they both were kids. When he first makes his apology, she says in a rather hard tone, "That was a long time ago, and I haven't been that little girl in quite some time!"

His apology rebuffed, he kind of stammers a little, but then says, "Well... However we made you feel back then, I just want you to know that I'm sorry."

And then things shift and she softens and forgives him, and things end on a good note.

Sometimes, when people rebuff an apology, it's because they are masking their own hurt, and pretending like they are above it all.

The important thing, is that you have cleared the slate from your end, Melissa. You gave her the gift of your apology. What she chooses to do with it is up to her. Life doesn't often give second chances, so when you generously gave her the opportunity to wrap up unfinished business from her past, it's surprising that she chose to run from it.

That's entirely up to her and has nothing to do with you. If you dwell on it, you keep things going and it will continue to haunt you.

You've apologized. Time to lay down that burden.

There was an elderly Buddhist monk and his younger cohort walking, one day. They came to a river where there was a beautiful woman who was standing on the bank and distressed about how to cross. The elderly monk picked up the lass, carried her across, and then set her down.

They continued walking, and the young monk inquired as to whether the elderly monk had violated his vows of chastity by carrying the woman. The elderly monk said, "When I got to the other side of the river, I set her down. It sounds like YOU are still carrying her."

;)

Thanks Frank.  I remember that in Flatliners.

Melly, The context really didnt matter at all........and the 'victim" is of no consequence either.......it's about living YOUR life being the best person YOU can be.....and that's what you did!

I'm proud of the woman you are, and if you were 20 yrs younger, I'd be proud to call you my daughter! :D(okay, a little tongue in cheek)...

Cathi :D