The new priest, at his first mass, was so frightened that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the bishop what he could do to relax. The bishop said "next week it might help if you put martini in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly. The next week the young priest put the bishops suggestion into practice and really talked up a storm. After the sermon he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "fine, but there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again".

1.  Next time, sip the martini rather than gulping it down glassful after glassful.

2.  There are ten commandments, not twelve.

3.  There are twelve disciples, not ten.

4.  David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.

5.  We do not refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his disciples as 'J. C. and the Boys.'

6.  Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taff's.

7.  We do not refer to the Cross as "the big T".

8.  The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and The Spook".

9.   And last, but not least, it's the Virgin Mary. Not "Mary with the Cherry".