1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be  released first.

3. No one expects you to run  --  anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer  view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left  to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now  won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live  without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into  heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think  of speed limits  as a challenge.

12. You quit trying  to hold your stomach in  no matter who walks  into the room.

13. You sing along  with elevator music.

14. Your eyes  won't get  much worse.

15. Your investment  in health insurance  is finally beginning  to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists  than the national  weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe  with your friends  because they can't  remember them either.

18. Your supply of braincells  is finally down to  a manageable size.

And you notice  these are all  in big print  for your convenience.

ONE MORE THING:   Never,  under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!