Got this in email from my Mom - not sure of the original source:
Enjoy!


Quote:

Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers. Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.) IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though. BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors your teenager will start acting even worse. ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messanger. No further programming is required. SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this. CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents." FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and oh my god he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different. OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work. WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.

This is great! Thanks for sharing.

Charlotte

haha this is funny!  I was a low maintance teenager though...right?

My girls are 25 and 22........where the hell was this manual 15 years ago!!!!! It explains everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D

Joe

It left off the last and most important thing though.

   At about the age of 30 her brains and common sense will return and you will be her best friend.  She will apologize for all her rude and disrespectful behavior and the last 15 to 17 years of stress and nail-biting will all be worth it.  

Linda_Howell wrote on Jun 7^th, 2009 at 10:36pm:

It left off the last and most important thing though.    At about the age of 30 her brains and common sense will return and you will be her best friend.  She will apologize for all her rude and disrespectful behavior and the last 15 to 17 years of stress and nail-biting will all be worth it.

In my experience, it can happen much sooner than 30..... [smiley=blush.gif]

30???

kill me now...

O.k. well that is my experience only.   LOL


However.... and this is a biggy....boys don't take that long.

Boys still remain pigs, but they stop doing that horrid "rolling of the eyes"   much earlier and actually want to be seen in public with you, LOVE your cooking, don't give a whit about what designer label they wear and stop being high maintenance around 10.

They'll also be very protective about MOM    ;)

Oh, how very true...... ;D

Linda_Howell wrote on Jun 7^th, 2009 at 11:22pm:

They'll also be very protective about MOM    ;)

Eli is showing that already, and he's 5.  Therefore, I am prepared for war as he gets older, LOL.

TEENAGERS ARE THE REASON SOME ANIMALS EAT THIER YOUNG AT BIRTH ;)

Please, Please don't tell me little daughters get worse...! :'(

Ceara my 4 year old, she already chews me up and spits me out whenever she fancies it. Little daughters should not develop eye lashes until their mid 20's.



Lefty...!

Quote:

horrid "rolling of the eyes"

My 4-year-old nephew does that to me now when I talk to him. It's usually accompanied with a 'humph'.

On another note, can someone remind me why I'm going through this now if this is the 'reward'?  ;)

  Because the rewards far outweigh the troubles Em.   ;)

Thank you Linda. I really need some encouraging words right about now.

xx

Em wrote on Jun 8^th, 2009 at 11:33am:

I really need some encouraging words right about now.

Em

When you are with your kids there is an aura and happiness around you that only children can give...!

You know the fits of laughter you experienced when you messed about with your school friends. The side hurting ones. Well you don't really get them very much as an adult. Kids give that back to you x10.

Nothing in the world will come close to what you are about to experience....! ;)


Lefty...!

They're lying to you, Em. It's the Big Lie that all parents tell non-parents.

Misery loves company.

Brew, brew ,brew...! Don't listen to him Em, It's all good...

PS.... Make the most of that wee hour you get to yourself once they go to bed... It's the magic hour, don't waste it and please try and keep tabs of the wine consumption during this hour, it has been known to spiral for some.


Lefty...!

If anybody thinks I was serious, they need a lesson or two in basic comedy. ;)

Brew wrote on Jun 8^th, 2009 at 12:17pm:

Quote: If anybody thinks I was serious, they need a lesson or two in basic comedy. ;)

Dido... ;)


Lefty...!

Great post Cat!

Like Joe said, I could have used this a few years ago  ;D

Linda, it's 30 or when they need college money.  Whichever comes first.

Em, don't worry hon. You'll have many years of joy leading up to half that time in agony. ;)

-Dennis-

Em, despite the trials that teenagers put their parents through, they also go through a magical transformation during this phase.  You get to sit back and watch as they become a real person; their own person.  All the years of patching up skinned knees (band aids are a parents best friend) and hugs while they shed tears of disappointment, frustration and heart break, culminate in the rebellious teen years - the years when failure becomes their teacher.  At that point you have already imparted all the lessons of value you can - they know right from wrong, and they are testing the waters as their own person.  It's an amazing feeling as they go from being totally dependent on you for everything, to discovering they can do it themselves (except the money thing - not sure when that ends LOL).

It is all worth it, there are no words to describe the value of the friendship you can foster with your children as they work their way through their teen years :)

Cat

So, it didn't just happen to me then?
I just part exchanged my daughter for a couple of camels and a goat,
Or thats what i thought was living in the bedroom.

Em:

Forget teen-age yrs. for now.  


After 9 months of what you're going through and then labor...I guarantee you that when you're rested and the nurse brings this teeny-tiny human being to you, you'll say OMG, this was SO worth it.

When you bring this child home , put him in his pram/carriage/bassinet....and look at him/her you will be filled with the most protective love you have ever felt in your life.

When that child smiles at you for the 1st. time and you KNOW he/she recognizes you, you'll melt.

Same thing with 1st. steps, 1st. word, (usually DaDa)  1st anything....you'll realize why you became a parent.  It makes being alive a good thing.  A thing of worth.   Of course there are going to be bad times...times when you'll cry your eyes(or tear your  hair) out.

In the end when they come to you and say.."ya know what Mom, you're the greatest"  you won't even remember those tears.  When they succeed at a job, at choosing a life partner, at all the things you so patiently taught them...well,  you'll cry happy tears.

You're going to be just fine, as soon as you stop throwing up.   Trust me.  ;)

Quote:

When that child smiles at you for the 1st. time and you KNOW he/she recognizes you, you'll melt.

Uh, Linda - that's gas.
;D

NO IT IS NOT.    why do only men say it's gas?

  Hmmmm


Mommy's always know when they....oh never mind... ::)

Linda_Howell wrote on Jun 8^th, 2009 at 10:46pm:

NO IT IS NOT.    why do only men say it's gas?   Hmmmm Mommy's always know when they....oh never mind... ::)

Again, just jokin' around.

Thanks all! A much needed laugh and smile was provided.

Time is going quickly now, so hopefully the end of the sickness is fast approaching and I can start getting really excited!

Linda_Howell wrote on Jun 8^th, 2009 at 10:46pm:

NO IT IS NOT.    why do only men say it's gas?   Hmmmm

Sorry Linda - in our case it WAS gas.

LOL!

cat -

That was great. :0
/huggs
Tia

I can  so  relate  to  this  april  is 12 going on 30  [smiley=oops.gif]Beth keeps looking @ her and asking if she will be like her  I just sigh  and say yes.This too shall pass....right??   Yes the pre-teen daughter shows up every now and then.being a parent is the most amazingly beautiful experience you will ever have....on a side note tonight is a great night for the girls and I.beth has her fifth grade moving up ceromony,next year is middle school  :-/    [smiley=yikes.gif] while beth and I are @ that ceremony April will be @ their softball banquet with my mom the girls team won first place for their prep team.they had a great season and won some great games,had lots of fun.
    Love to all ,Minnie

I continue my struggle with my 15 y/o going on 30....she just got her drivers permit - NC lookout!

I was cursed with "I hope you have a daughter just like you" - the ultimate curse to lay on a child.  Thank the universe and everything good and Divine in it that she isn't just like me, at least not completely.  The only good thing about it is - you can't con a con - so she's got caught more than she knows ;)

Ugh - will they ever turn into humans?  ....erm...did I? ;)

Cat