I know he is so tired of the headaches, hasn't slept much & the meds are making him moody, but I went home for lunch in a great mood today & he snapped my head off.  I only get a 30min lunch, 10min there, 10min to eat & 10min back, so I was in a hurry.  I forgot to kiss him hello & boy did it make him mad.  I had no idea what was upsetting him.  He won't talk to me & when he does it is always angry sounding.  He never smiles anymore & is just a plain grump to be around.  I know the CH is taking it's toll, he feels helpless, but damit so do I! I am out of money, patience & TLC, hating life today!! :'(  I am up with him all hours of the night, have gone to every doctor I can get my hands on, have borrowed money from everyone I know, have spent hours researching on here & I still feel like I don't do enough.  He gets so testy during a headache & I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND that & I never hold anything against him & I don't talk to him about how I feel because I don't want him to feel guilty but maybe I should, who knows...just don't know what to do anymore.

Hi  [smiley=wave.gif] Lori Lee, so sorry to hear it's been a rough go round for you both.

Yes, I think you should talk to him, probably not when he's getting hit though.  Ask him what's been bothering him and tell him how you feel.  You might be surprised at what you find out.  He maybe feeling quite helpless himself and angry that you have had to go through this as well.  Just talk to him calmly when he's not getting hit and all will work out.

Best Wishes!

I think you are starting to hold some of it against him (that's the vibe I'm getting at least). Is there a way to tell him that you need some time each day to take care of yourself and ask him to put on his big boy pants and take care of himself for awhile?

I'm so sorry about hearing this. It's tough and I know when my DH is in cycle and on meds he can go through some tough mood swings. I truly try my best to lay low, frankly I woudn't go home for lunch under those circumstances.  But like Ginger said, you have to find the right time, when he's off cycle or at least not having a bad time of it, to ask what he needs from you - and what you should avoid.

CH is a tough condition for everyone, not just the person getting hit. Good luck. I know you were just venting and that you care about him. Let us know how it goes.

Christy

Well brew maybe I am maybe I'm not. We have been married 17 yrs & I love this man with all my heart, ur response although probably well intended makes me feel like a horrible wife. I won't post again.

Lori, please continue to post! Sometimes the written word can come out abrasive even though it is soo not meant to be. I know you don't need anymore unkind words, but I'm thinking that's not quite what Brew meant. Clusterheads are inclined to be very honest, and what Brew was saying(I don't want to put words in his mouth, and I'm pretty certain he'll be by) was CHers also tend to grow very strong as time passes. In fact, they are probably the strongest people I know! It takes time, however, this adjustment period can get hard on everyone! please, take a deep breath, find some time for you, so youi can continue to be his strength when he needs it.and most of all, when he is rested and not in pain, find time to talk quietly about this affliction. Ask him how you can help during a hit, encourage him to talk about it, and the TWO of you, gang up on that Beast....let the Beast know he is NOT going to destroy 17 yrs of love and partnership.
It will also be of help to continue to vent here.there's a ton of experience dealing with CH, so you'd lose far more than you would gain by leaving now.
Lori, there is a lot of love and support here....give it a chance, please>??
Check your pm's, please.
Cathi

Lori Lee wrote on Oct 7^th, 2009 at 12:23am:

Well brew maybe I am maybe I'm not. We have been married 17 yrs & I love this man with all my heart, ur response although probably well intended makes me feel like a horrible wife. I won't post again.

What I was saying is that caretakers need to take care of themselves and be in good shape both physically and mentally in order to shoulder the extra burden of taking care of someone in addition to themselves. You want to interpret that as me saying you're a bad wife - that's your prerogative. But it's not at all what I was saying.

It seems to me as though you two are in need of some real, honest, open communication. A "come to Jesus meeting." You're doing something great for this man, and it seems like he doesn't appreciate it the way he should. He should not be allowed to dump on you.

Brew wrote on Oct 6^th, 2009 at 8:21pm:

I think you are starting to hold some of it against him (that's the vibe I'm getting at least). Is there a way to tell him that you need some time each day to take care of yourself and ask him to put on his big boy pants and take care of himself for awhile?

What Brew said (and I've been a supporter for over 25 years).  I'm also a supporter to my daughter who has chronic health problems.  Regardless of what you read here or anywhere else, *we* as supporters, also have our limits as to what we can take, especially when the original emotion is one of helplessness.  We're human.

If I were to tell you that there was NEVER a time that I resented the headaches or got mad as hell at him and the headaches, I would be lying out my ass.  Jimbo's (husband) temper was horrific when he was in cycle.  Unfortunately, I ended up being his whipping boy (not physically, he is still alive) and I got lashed out at far more times than I can remember.  He could get so angry that it was scary.  There was more than one time that I grabbed our little girl and left him alone so he could deal with his headaches.  I had done all I could do to help him, so the best thing for everybody was for me to leave until the worst passed.

First and foremost, and this is what I would tell anybody out there, regardless of who they are supporting, take care of yourself first!.  If your reserves are low/empty, you aren't going to do yourself or your husband any good (right now with a personal crisis of my own and my own reserves are fairly low, so need to take my own advice).

Carolyn~aka~Deltadarlin

My support tells me to cowboy up or lay there and bleed.

          Potter

sorry, but LOL at Potter.  Just strikes me funny. 

No, Lori, don't stop posting here.  That's what this place is for...it's why we set it up.  I totally "got" every word of your post and I've walked in your shoes.  There are times when you need to just get it out and, obviously, this is one of those times. It's not always easy for supporters to speak up, especially to their sufferer because we already know they have enough guilt to deal with - this is a safe haven to throw your shoe at the wall and just lay down and cry for a minute.  You're safe here.  Riding as a passenger on this road does get bumpy and monotonous at times and you're allowed to mentally bail out when you need to. 
Brew does have a good point though - you do need to carve out some time for just you.  For me, it is a hot bubble bath, a candle and a locked bathroom door.  Just for half an hour.  Nope, we can't cure clusters nor can we take their pain for them.  But we can't lose ourselves in the process either and it's important to find a way to recenter. 
Hang in there, darlin - you're doing a great job. 

Potter wrote on Oct 11^th, 2009 at 3:37pm:

My support tells me to cowboy up or lay there and bleed.

         
Once after a real bad kip 9, my support poked me with a stick like a piece of road-kill...!



Lefty...!