I just wondered if anyone could give me some advice. I am very close to my BF, a male who has CH and we admittedly have a relationship which blurrs the lines between friendship and lovers.
The thing is for the last month he has been hit constantly with Cluster headaches and is very down and frankly exhausted. He is on the tablet that begins with V (can't recall just at the mo lol) and he has also tried Oxygen and various other hit and miss ideas. I really feel for him and apart from being there for him I know I can't really do much.
  Anyway the other day he actually admitted that he was depressed and I asked him about going to see someone (knowing what the answer would be!) He just said 'What about me tells you that is going to happen?' So I know thats a no. The thing that really upset me though (and something which he can't see a problem with at all) is when he told me that I gave him no joy in his life but that it was ok because as long as I got something out of it then he would still do all the things I wanted. It really upset me and he truly doesn't understand why. When I said to him that I loved him dearly and if he didn't get anything out of me then it was all pointless cos it was just an act essentially, he said that if I didn't like it then I could hit the bricks but I wouldn't find anyone prepared to put up with my Princessy ways. (which I do admit to)
What I need to know is a)should I just stick this out cos he is obviously in pain and is depressed b)how much pressure on a relationship do these headaches cause?
I really don't know what to do because I feel like the whole thing is just a con and it kills me to thing that I provide him with nothing at all,I just can't get over that. :'(
Any advice gratefully accepted.
x

Well of course we don't know enough about your relationship to venture a guess, but I will tell you that in my house, when my husband is suffering, I do have to remind myself that "It's the headache talking".

So sounds like he takes verapamil? And you mentioned the oxygen didn't work. Many before him have thought that too, but then realized they weren't using a high enough flow, and they did not have a non-rebreather mask. Take a look at the yellow Oxygen button to the left. There are betters masks available. If his o2 regulator only offers 8-10 flow, get a new one. You can find them on ebay if nothing else.

Keep talking to us, we supporters have to stick together! And hopefully he's around here reading the boards too. Get him talking amongst the other sufferers about his treatment - preventative and abortive.

Hang in there!

i can only comment on my own relationship and experiences but maybe it will help
ive been married 12 yrs (jesus is it really that long) and a CH sufferer for 4yrs. I was only diagnosed this year after all the tests they could think of. Ive gone through the scares of brain tumours, Cancer and MS and had some pretty down times. My wife (bless her cotton socks) is very suportive and understands how i feel and what i require in respect to help during my cycles however i also had to learn not to drag my wife down into the black pitt i find myself in during my cycles. I do my best not to go on about my headaches all the time and try to enjoy the PF days. Also a strange sence of humour helps me alot and can put a light and open doors instead of sitting in the dark all the time (depression). However i do have bad days and my lovelly wife has a size 9 boot wich is more than willing to kick me up the arse  [smiley=bash.gif] when ive gone on about it too long.

hope this helps
mark (not needed a boot for a while, but i can see it in the background)

Christy said a mouthful.  We can't judge your relationship - only you can do that. 

I would say however, that high cycle for anyone is tough (understatement) and not the best time to make life altering decisions.  It truly is "the headache talking."

Perhaps when things calm down you can clarify your relationship and make decisions then.  I hope he's reading here - there is so much helpful information and compassion, and just enough boots to kick him in the arse when he needs it.

Chin up - this too shall pass.

lexie wrote on Oct 26^th, 2009 at 7:00am:

I just wondered if anyone could give me some advice. I am very close to my BF, a male who has CH and we admittedly have a relationship which blurrs the lines between friendship and lovers. The thing is for the last month he has been hit constantly with Cluster headaches and is very down and frankly exhausted. He is on the tablet that begins with V (can't recall just at the mo lol) and he has also tried Oxygen and various other hit and miss ideas. I really feel for him and apart from being there for him I know I can't really do much.   Anyway the other day he actually admitted that he was depressed and I asked him about going to see someone (knowing what the answer would be!) He just said 'What about me tells you that is going to happen?' So I know thats a no. The thing that really upset me though (and something which he can't see a problem with at all) is when he told me that I gave him no joy in his life but that it was ok because as long as I got something out of it then he would still do all the things I wanted. It really upset me and he truly doesn't understand why. When I said to him that I loved him dearly and if he didn't get anything out of me then it was all pointless cos it was just an act essentially, he said that if I didn't like it then I could hit the bricks but I wouldn't find anyone prepared to put up with my Princessy ways. (which I do admit to) What I need to know is a)should I just stick this out cos he is obviously in pain and is depressed b)how much pressure on a relationship do these headaches cause? I really don't know what to do because I feel like the whole thing is just a con and it kills me to thing that I provide him with nothing at all,I just can't get over that. :'( Any advice gratefully accepted. x

This reminds me of the joke where a man went with his wife to the doctor about her throat condition and he said she had to have surgery to take her tonsils out.  The husband asked if she would be able to sing after the surgery and the doctor said, "Could she sing before?" 

So, how was he before this started?  How were you? 

Cluster Headaches are just one of many things in life that can be devastating.  I would choose not to have them, but I would choose to have them over many other illnesses, handicaps, or situations. 

Another story...When my father in law taught his kids to drive, he said, "Anyone can drive down a straight road in good conditions...it is when something unexpected happens that you have to be prepared for...and that is when you will know if you are a good driver."  He was a brilliant Veterinarian, but I think that simple lesson was one of the smartest things he said.  And at least to me, it wasn't just about driving.  It was about life as well.   

I have been married 29 years and have had clusters 25 years.

It sounds like the two of you should decide what your relationship is first and go from there.  It is really only something the two of you can figure out, but I wouldn't blame it on the clusters.

Hope this helps!
Joni

I don't know how it works on women, but verapamil can absolutely kill a man's sex drive. When the frustration of that starts manifesting itself, it may come out in some of the ways it has with your BF.

Just guessin'.

Quote:

When my father in law taught his kids to drive, he said, "Anyone can drive down a straight road in good conditions...it is when something unexpected happens that you have to be prepared for...and that is when you will know if you are a good driver."

Joni, by any chance is your father-in-law related to Guiseppi's Dad???   LOL      That is a very wise analogy.

Lexie....for a great many of us 02 is NOT a hit and miss idea.  When it is administered correctly, at the proper flow rate, with the correct mask and as soon as a hit starts...it is remarkable in it's ability to abort a headache.  Sometimes in mins...others may take longer.  Please read the 02 link to the left of here. 

Linda

Linda_Howell wrote on Nov 15^th, 2009 at 3:16pm:

Quote: When my father in law taught his kids to drive, he said, "Anyone can drive down a straight road in good conditions...it is when something unexpected happens that you have to be prepared for...and that is when you will know if you are a good driver."  Joni, by any chance is your father-in-law related to Guiseppi's Dad???   LOL      That is a very wise analogy. Linda

I doubt they are related :), maybe they are just both wise men.  I am unfamiliar with Guiseppi's dad.  I guess I haven't been here long enough.

Another one I like is what my mother's mom always said to her, "Evelyn, ya gotta make a life a ya own."  She also had clusters (She is Roxie, of "Roxie's Rag"...if you read my thread on her), she was poor, had 5 children, and her husband died young of heart failure.  That is a rather profound insight for a lady so many years ago when women were dependent on men. 

I just love the elderly and their comments!  So rich!

Joni

It is too difficult to give advice about your relationship. 
I will say, though, that depression will mask positive things.  I know when I've been hit 7 times a day for 3 months, I don't find joy or happiness in much at all.  Sometimes it seems much easier to give up due to the depression.  It sounds like he is in that spot.  It sounds like he is willing to give up the relationship because the depression is making it impossible to find joy.
If it's not due to the depression, than this relationship isnt for you. 

Coming from a male that experienced the depression from constant attacks. Also, this had a part in my failed marriaged. All you can do is support him. That's all, most if his actions are not him. After my cycle is gone, I bounce right back like it never happened.  it still doesn't take away from the hurt this  have caused but know it's no him. If it continues post cycle, well then their is more of on issue than the headaches.

Take care

Lexie...
I am a partner to a CH sufferer...  Cluster Headaches are a new real (very) real topic for me as of late... I have found the one person in this life who makes my knees weak (that would be my love of my life)... He also happends to be a sufferer of these awful headaches... I do not know personally what he goes through when he is in a cycle, but, I would bet it is NOTHING like what you or I have ever experienced. It was explained to me by a woman who said..."it's like having hard labor pains and giving birth WITHOUT medication EVERY time you get an attack". Imagine the worst pain EVER... Thats what they go through...

Imagine THAT!!... I had a baby without meds... only once... I have an idea how that feels... I can't imagine doing that every night.... multiple times a night...

Seperate the CH attacks from everything else in your relationship... deal with those issues another time...

I am long winded tonight B/C my love is suffering right now... and wants to be left alone... this is all i can do not to cry...

to all of us who suffer with them... stay strong.. dont let them see you crumble

I just read your post just after I posted my first post
I am dealing with much the same
the headackes are talking for my bf and it hurts
he is so depressed and lost and feels helpless
one week even in pain we where on top of the world
the very next week we are following apart
I hope he doesnt make any rash decions at this time
but my fear is he is leaving
yet I am saying I am here for him no matter what
and he ............................... :'(

Brew wrote on Nov 15^th, 2009 at 2:23pm:

I don't know how it works on women, but verapamil can absolutely kill a man's sex drive. When the frustration of that starts manifesting itself, it may come out in some of the ways it has with your BF. Just guessin'.

This can be very true and very depressing and emasculating.

regardless, he sounds like he is just being a dick to you.

forget Clusters that is just not right.

my humble opinion

Quote:

Anyway the other day he actually admitted that he was depressed and I asked him about going to see someone (knowing what the answer would be!)

well thats the problem as i see it.
next time just hug him.
you ll be both suprised

;)