Title: Re: Today I got a new lease on life....
Post by catlind on Nov 13th, 2009 at 11:03am
Okay, update #2, and I'll be posting this in a separate thread as well, and I'm pretty sure the why will be self explanatory. And I apologize in advance for the length as this is half update, and half motivational/epiphany/inspirational type stuff.
My head was pretty iffy through the day yesterday, the weather related head pain/pressure from Ida was trying it's damn-est to hang on, but I pushed through and while it was a bit bizarre to have my head hurt and still have a great sense of well-being, I wasn't gonna complain.
Got a full 7 hours sleep - man that is great - except for a wake up call for a pee break again hehe - and I would probably have slept longer except one of the cats decided to send my shaving cream crashing very loudly into the bathtub. S'okay, 7 hours is lots more than I'd been getting. And for me, anything between 6 and 9 hours is the safe zone to protect against the beast.
Had some mild shadowing this morning, but a quick puff with the O2 and it wandered back to whence it came. I should note here that I had worked with Bob Wold a couple of times over the last 4 weeks (intentionally ambiguous for a variety of reasons here - but Doc Finkel is fully aware and thinks it's an awesome avenue of treatment and research) so the CH aspect of my head is relatively well behaved at the moment considering this is classic high cycle time for me.
Took my little happy pills about 7 a.m., as well as the diovox for the pressure in my head and general CSF pressure - I suspect that the bit of head pain/pressure I experienced around about 8:30 a.m. is a result of my body adjusting to the new meds and trying to equalize the pressure which in my case pretty high (LP pressure of 24). I like my feel good pills [smiley=happy.gif] [smiley=jammin.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=sayyes.gif] [smiley=smug.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif] hehe. Clark and I had a long talk last night about how best to approach this whole new world that is before me.
I also talked at length with Helen about it as well; I am still cautiously optimistic, but I am being realistic and I understand that there is no pill in the world that can MAKE you a happy person all day every day in every circumstance, and that there will be bumps in this road, and this journey will have some obstacles and hurdles. Ya know what? That's ok. I know I can handle them now. November 10th I would have told you I couldn't. Today, I KNOW I can. So I'm feeling good, feeling just like the Cat I am, the person I like.
Now here's the epiphany part that I will also post separately.
All my life I set pretty huge goals - I said I would finish high school in 4 years - at the time, in Canada, I was an 'advanced' hono(u)r roll student primed to go to University, which required FIVE years of high school - you had to complete grade 13. While I didn't actually graduate - that's a story for another time, I did accomplish the goal I set out to do - I had my grade 13 credits completed by my 4th year. I was a competitive gymnast from being wee little. In high school I was on the gymnastics team as well as coached the little kids; I made up my mind I was going to get good enough to go all Ontario, and that I was going to be the coach of the high school team that took our entire team to the championship. I did just that. I made all Ontario for balance beam, and in my 12th grade year, I was co-captain with Kathy Mathis of the entire high school team. The championship competition was being hosted for the first time at OUR high school, and I had broken 2 fingers and kept missing my turn catch on the uneven bars. I had decided to drop out of the uneven bar event so as not to jeopardize the team with a poor score. Well I was talked into doing it anyway - and I'll be damned, I made the catch even with my two fingers taped together. That presented a wee problem. I didn't know how to continue the routine from a catch, I'd always missed. So I had to drop to the floor, turn around and remount the bars and complete my routine as if I HAD missed. I scored a whopping 1.9 out of 10. WDSS (my high school) won the championship - BY ONE POINT - message here? the smallest of contributions from anyone at all can be the deciding factor between winning and losing. I was also a swimmer and was training to be a lifeguard. I grew up on the St. Clair River and had seen 3 people drown because they did not know how to swim well enough and because there was no one other than my father who was trained and capable of rescuing a drowning victim. I decided I was never going to see another person drown and set about my Royal Life Saving Society of Canada training to get certified as a life guard. At that time, certification was the Bronze Medallion - it changes regularly - Bronze Cross, Bronze Star, Bronze Medallion etc. - but the requirements are always the same. The goal however was not just to get my certification, it was to get it BY THE TIME I WAS 16. I've already told you I was a competing gymnast at the same time, coaching the little kids, and cramming 5 years of high school into 4...getting the picture here? Well this is where the first obstacle reared it's ugly head. The law says you cannot be certified by the RLSSC before the age of 16. Oh shit. I have just committed myself to being certified by the time I was 16!!! It took some doing, but I managed to get my coach and instructors to go to bat for me, the Bronze medallion certification course began in September 1983, and finished Feb 15th 1984. I turned 16 Feb. 6 1984. We did a lot of finagling but the RLSSC relented and allowed me to take the course and then write the certification exam and do the water certification as I would BE 16 when I did those things. Cross another accomplished goal off the list.
Here's the thing. On November 11th I saw Dr. Finkel and I got a brand new opportunity to make my life good again. The change has been incredibly dramatic and extreme. From ready to join my cat in the afterlife on Nov. 10th to ready to take on the world on Nov. 11th. Doesn't make a lot of sense really. Sure a pill can help, but it shouldn't be able to do all that! My feel good pill didn't bring on this epiphany, it simply let me feel like me again, just long enough for me see something in me that I had always known, the thing about me that I really like. Dr. Finkel has done his part, and now I'm doing mine. All the drugs in the world cannot create success if the process is one sided. I have to do my part in this journey as well. I've laid the ground work as best I can at this moment to ensure my success. The option of suicide is not an option. "Too bad, so sad, you don't get to quit. You've achieved goals that were considered impossible and you did it because you simply were too dumb to know there was any tiny possibility you could fail."
This journey is the exact same thing as all the other goals and achievements. I KNOW with 100% absolute certainty that I am going to succed in this journey. How do I know? Why am I so certain? Because I have Dr. Finkel, and I have a great support network, and every fiber of being in everyone of those people has screamed at me that it's simply IMPOSSIBLE to fail in this journey; The universe has made it quite clear that I'm once again too dumb to know that there is any possibility of failure out there. It's that simple.
So, here's to success and happiness, and a brand new beginning to my life that was once filled every day with joy and love and challenges that I thrived on and loved overcoming (cause I was too dumb to know I could lose them), and now can, and WILL be that way again. There's something to be said for being dumb when it comes to certain things ;)
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