This time around I've found that my patience is slowly running down. Aguess regular HAs, dealing with Asta storm aftershock and now ch has done that.

But, as relatives, family friends and my mother are asking bit too personal questions, I'm finding it harder and harder to keep my cool. This has been one challenging year to keep my optimism going!

It all begun this February, when I went to see a new gynecologist for a regular check-up. She looked at my age and told me to get pregnant, because "in your age you'd keep the baby".
Little shocking, after all she didn't ask me if I was in a relationship or even wanted children...

Well, give a little time and my 25-year-old cousin announces her pregnancy. Few weeks more and another cousin lets us know that he and his new wife are having a baby. My mother is a godmother to both of these my cousins, which means that mom's grandmother fever has been rising ever since.

Now pretty much every time I see my mother (almost weekly, she lives 6 minutes away), she points out that we should be having children as well. It doesn't really matter that I've told her many times that I know that it can be harder at 30 and getting harder by the year, but we have a plan: living together first, then getting married, and then we'll have children. And not before that.

This year also my cousin's other godmother (not a relative) nearly interrogated me and Esa at my cousin's wedding about not being married. At our housewarming, my godmother asked me when "we will begin to design a wedding dress for you" and Esa's aunt asked him if the party is "secretly an engagement party and when's the wedding". The same aunt asked me "when are you two going to have kids?".

And I'm thinking, what kind of conspiracy is this? Nobody asked me anything like that in my former relationship. Nobody has been asking me about having kids or pushing to get pregnant before.

I do admit it: I'd be more than ready for both, but there's two of us, and both need to be on the same page. It's kind of funny that I'm the one getting the questions and pressure, when it's not really up to me... ;) 

So, what can I say to these people? How can I be kind and get the message heard?

Lots of parents and couples in here, do tell me. :)

Sanna

Quote:

Advice needed: Lots of parents and couples in here, do tell me.

Can't help with the getting married part.  After others having met the girl during the 30 years, just taken aside and extended firm and thankful handshakes for my service to all men taking her out of circulation and just being with her.




A century ago, a girl unmarried by 18 may have gotten the same pressure of becoming an old maid.  Afterall, what else to do with your life?  Your 25 in this present age is perhaps conversationally targeted somewhat "that time" to them. 

Your career-building as well as being in a compatible relationship has been well done, an additional endeavor will be when a decision is made.    :)



Sorry no help, too inexperienced except for being asked if I have kids.  Just simple curiousity wondering what the hell on earth they might be like.  Those who've met the girl are again thankfully relieved it's no. 
Easy answer for me.  She was 35 with two, me 25 when we met, not in her picture again.

 

I put up with that shit for ten years after we were married.  I got poked in the stomach by most of Brew's relatives asking if I had "a bun in the oven yet?"   [smiley=furious.gif]

Quite frankly, it's nobody's business but yours.

Unfortunately, NOTHING keeps them away and nothing shuts their mouths.  I just developed a thick skin and told them it was none of their business.

After Christy and I had been wed for a year, her mother began telling people there must be something wrong with me as she was not prego yet! I mean, why else would they get married except to have babies! ;D

Throughout all of recorded history, there have been rude, nosey, opinionated weenies! Someday they will allow us to begin shooting at them. Non fatal, but incredibly painful wounds, inflicted immediately upon their uttering their stupid opinions, thus having been inflicted with an immediate and painful stimulus, the learning curve will begin! ;D

(see why they won't make me king?)

Joe

Ok Sandie...here's a response for your mother-in-law, but don't know if I'd have the guts to say it.  But if you REALLY want to get her shut-up here goes, and it's not for the weak of heart:

Mother-in Law: "So when are you and "Johnny" going to have kids?"

Long blank stare until she is uncomfortable

You:  As soon as I can direct some sperm to my eggs.  Trouble is it just tastes too damn good.  Yes you raised quite a stud.  Probably as soon as your son gets over his fettish for “back door lovin” if you know what I mean.  How many times did you and "George" (her husband) have wild sex last month?"

Mother-In-Law: {astonished gasp}

You: "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were asking inappropriate personal questions."

Good Luck Sweetie  ;)


P.S. This isn't my twisted sense of humor..found some of these quotes on the internet when looking up "quick comebacks to inappropriate questions"...still think they're a hoot   ;D

Having had 7 children, I have been the recipient of so much verbal speculation, rude comments and down-right insensitive remarks so I do understand how you are losing your patience Sanna.

Here are just a few the tiresome/hurtful remarks I've heard:

   2,011 times-Haven't  you figured out by now what was causing this?

    3,156 times- You must be Catholic.  Or Mormon.

  295 times.  You must be trying to over-populate the world all by yourself.

    1,679 times- How can you afford all these children.

    I could go on but you get the picture.

 

Here is what I would say the next time someone asks you when you are going to have have a baby.

"When we decide the time is right...YOU will be the first to know."   then walk away or change the subject if you can't walk away.

Also..even though you don't want to be disrespectful, sometimes you may HAVE to be rude to rude people.

Linda_Howell wrote on Sep 22^nd, 2010 at 11:15am:

Having had 7 children, I have been the recipient of so much verbal speculation, rude comments and down-right insensitive remarks so I do understand how you are losing your patience Sanna. Here are just a few the tiresome/hurtful remarks I've heard:    2,011 times-Haven't  you figured out by now what was causing this?     3,156 times- You must be Catholic.  Or Mormon.   295 times.  You must be trying to over-populate the world all by yourself.     1,679 times- How can you afford all these children.     I could go on but you get the picture.   Here is what I would say the next time someone asks you when you are going to have have a baby. "When we decide the time is right...YOU will be the first to know."   then walk away or change the subject if you can't walk away. Also..even though you don't want to be disrespectful, sometimes you may HAVE to be rude to rude people.

I'm sorry, but HAHAHAHAHA!

I mean, geez, I'm 'only' on my 3rd, but I've been getting similar lines.  Mostly 'you DO know how babies are made?' and 'Was he an accident?' 

Was there a rule on family size that I wasn't aware of?  'Thou shall not have more than 2 children?'


As for Sandie, I hear you...
I got married at 22 years old and kids didn't even enter on my radar until I hit 30 then not only did I want a baby, I wanted a baby NOW. 

You'll know when the time is right, and, geez, women are having babies into their 40s now, you have plenty of time. 

People are going to be people no matter what you do...

Hang in there and keep your sense of humor!!!!

his wife wrote on Sep 22^nd, 2010 at 11:10am:

Ok Sandie...here's a response for your mother-in-law, but don't know if I'd have the guts to say it.  But if you REALLY want to get her shut-up here goes, and it's not for the weak of heart: Mother-in Law: "So when are you and "Johnny" going to have kids?" Long blank stare until she is uncomfortable You:  As soon as I can direct some sperm to my eggs.  Trouble is it just tastes too damn good.  Yes you raised quite a stud.  Probably as soon as your son gets over his fettish for “back door lovin” if you know what I mean.  How many times did you and "George" (her husband) have wild sex last month?" Mother-In-Law: {astonished gasp} You: "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were asking inappropriate personal questions." Good Luck Sweetie  ;)

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Tell them you been folding it over so the squirt end sticks out.

              Potter

I'm sorry these rude, insensitive people are complicating things for you.  Relationships are enough hard work without external pressures.  Like Linda, Andrea and I have had our share of rude comments about having too many.

All you can do is deflect and change the topic.  Eventually they will tire of the topic too.  If not, well, there really isn't much you can do about it that will be constructive.  So, unfortunately, you'll just have to grow thicker skin. 

You could blow them up like "his wife" suggests.  While it would be really fun and satisfying on some level. I don't know as I'd like to live with the long term damage caused.

I suppose you could look at this as tacit approval of your choice in partners.  It could be the reason you didn't get these questions with your last one.  In the end it is good to hear that your relatives are looking forward to being part of that chapter in your life.

Don't those outside your relationship affect what goes on betwee you two.  You guys will know when the time is right.  Follow your heart on this one ;)

-Dennis-

Potter wrote on Sep 22^nd, 2010 at 12:54pm:

Tell them you been folding it over so the squirt end sticks out.               Potter

Reminds me of a poem I read many years ago on a bathroom wall. 

There was a young man from Kent
whose thing was so long it bent
to avoid trouble
he put it in double
and instead of cuming, went.

Mother-in Law: "So when are you and "Johnny" going to have kids?"

Long blank stare until she is uncomfortable

You:  As soon as I can direct some sperm to my eggs.  Trouble is it just tastes too damn good.  Yes you raised quite a stud.  Probably as soon as your son gets over his fettish for “back door lovin” if you know what I mean.  How many times did you and "George" (her husband) have wild sex last month?"

Mother-In-Law: {astonished gasp}

You: "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were asking inappropriate personal questions."

Good Luck Sweetie  Wink

OMG!!!!!  I LOVE YOU!!!! 


One more inappropriate comment and then I'm done.  When my son was five, my mother in law looked at me long and hard and said, "I think you should have another child." 

I looked back, long and hard, and said "I'll go get my uterus out of the freezer and start working on that right now."  I'd had a hysterectomy a year previous to this awful comment . . . . stupid, insensitive people . . . .

Sanna, I think it is a right of passage for every young woman that has a mother. ;D

Chin up sweetie, it won't go away, so you might as well grin and bear it. :)

*hugs*

Guiseppi wrote on Sep 22^nd, 2010 at 8:46am:

Someday they will allow us to begin shooting at them. Non fatal, but incredibly painful wounds, inflicted immediately upon their uttering their stupid opinions, thus having been inflicted with an immediate and painful stimulus, the learning curve will begin! ;D (see why they won't make me king?)

Because the king would just kill 'em?

he he he...  ::)

don't let the stupid ginecowhatever to mess with your mind.
don't let the rest mess with your love,hapiness and private relationship.
take care both of you:)

To Joe's point, I was so pissed when I heard my mom was telling people something was wrong with him. We were purposely trying to wait, although apparently not trying diligently enough because we were soon pregnant (maybe she cursed us).

Anyway, it is a personal decison to have children and when. Plus it is also very insensitive to ask those questions because a couple could be experiencing infertility problems and a comment like that could just cause pain.

I guess if I were 25 again getting that question I might say - "why would you ask such a personal question?" or, "Why, do you know something I don't?"

Sanna, I think this
Quote:

"why would you ask such a personal question?"

  Is the very best answer you can give these rude people.  It works for family as well as for non-family.

This puts it squarely right back on THEM, makes them feel quilty for asking such a question in the first place, and just maybe they will leave you alone after that.  When or if you decide to have a child is YOUR business.  Please don't forget that.  EVER!

Dennis....someday you and I will meet and when we do we will sit down and have a lot of laughs over who had the most outrageous comments made to them.  We'll compare notes.  Should take all night, I would guess.   ;D

Just let them know that you and your honey are practicing every moment that you can and when you get it perfect, viola, a baby will magically appear.

deltadarlin wrote on Sep 22^nd, 2010 at 8:00pm:

Just let them know that you and your honey are practicing every moment that you can and when you get it perfect, viola, a baby will magically appear.

I LIKE this one....reminds me of the long ago running joke in the factory processing co where I worked. When leaving for the night (guys to guys) we would say to each other..."now go home and practice making babies".

Myself...when asked a personal question that is nobody's business..I reply with an off the wall nonsense answer. The reaction can be PRICELESS...and the dumber ones...those who repeat the question...get an even more bizarre answer. When the light finally goes on and they realize how dumb they are...dang..that can be FUN....

Best,

Jon

I've been laughing out loud so much now that my stomach hurts. Thank you! :)

I have said to my mother that she will be the first to know after we decide to get engaged/married/have children. And I did joke couple months ago, that she should be monitoring her phone, because I will call/text her about five minutes before I'll post the news in here and at facebook. ;)

I read that one woman of my age got so tired about replying to "are you pregnant" questions and people touching her stomach while asking that question that she said "no, are you?" and touched the other person's stomach without caring about the person's gender. I'll consider doing the very same when/if that will happen to me. ;)

Dennis, I've been thinking about what you mentioned about my ex. When we were still together, nobody mentioned anything negative about him. My mom did dislike him in the end, though. When we broke up, a friend of mine made a list of what were wrong about my ex, and it hurt a bit that she didn't tell me sooner. I have noticed that people are now telling me clearly how much they like my partner now, and it feels great. :) It also reveals that aguess my ex wasn't that popular with my relatives and friends, but nobody dared to tell me...

I have to say that my "mother-in-law" has been wonderful - she has never asked us anything too personal. If she has asked Esa when it's been just them, I don't know about that, but knowing him, he'd tell me. She already has hands full with her granddaughter, so we are nicely left alone. ;)

Early this year I was discussing children with my colleagues. We were wondering out loud that when will the pressure stop? When you meet someone, people ask about living together, then engagement, then wedding, then children. And when you have a baby, you must have another one. During that lunch break we came to the conclusion that probably third child is the limit, after that people begin to ask you about being Catholic, Mormon or, in here, Laestadian.

The thing is, that I do know that there isn't one "perfect" way, but each couple have their perfect way, which others should respect. Right now what gets to me is the hard facts, the reason, which tells me that at 30, fertility goes down and that scares me. So I am trying to find the balance between our plan and biology, and live with the consequences that come from it.

I know people who have been through hell in their road to parenthood, so I would never ever ask anyone if they're planning to have children or when they are going have children. You can never know what is going on; they might have tried and found out that it's impossible or have been trying for a long time or experienced miscarriage.

Sanna 

QnHeartMM wrote on Sep 22^nd, 2010 at 5:12pm:

"why would you ask such a personal question?" or, "Why, do you know something I don't?"

Sorry you're having such a tough time Sandie; but I think Christy hit the nail on the head...

Lady Luv

Sandie, I'm sorry, I should have read you post more closely.  I thought you had a "mother-in-law" problem.  That's my knee-jerk reaction because I've "been there, done that, and designed the tee shirt".  I've been with my high school sweetie for 30 years, with the first 13 playing defense against an agressive offense trying to destroy us (long story for another time).  However, things are much better now, and I think she finally realizes she should be thanking God for her unanswered prayer.

Anyway, you will know when the time is right (our first one was planned to the day) and if it happens when the time isn't right (our second was a "surprise") you'll love them both equally and just as much.  Our surprise baby came at a time when things were really rough, but that was God's plan.  He was exactly what we needed and the greatest gift (along with our first) that we ever received.  And don't let anyone tell you he/she was an accident.  I remember hearing "An accident is something if you had to do over again you wouldn't, a surprise is something you didn't know how badly you wanted until you got it"

And one more piece of unsolicited advice then I'm done.  When you are blessed with a child, believe it when people tell you how quickly the time flies by and cherish every moment.  What I wouldn't give to be going through "baby stuff" again.  I just took my "surprise baby" to college and right now my heart is breaking.  :'(

Blessings and well wishes to you.

Linda_Howell wrote on Sep 22^nd, 2010 at 7:58pm:

Dennis....someday you and I will meet and when we do we will sit down and have a lot of laughs over who had the most outrageous comments made to them.  We'll compare notes.  Should take all night, I would guess.   ;D

And I can't think of a better way to spend an evening  8-)

-Dennis-

his wife wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2010 at 1:06pm:

Sandie, I'm sorry, I should have read you post more closely.  I thought you had a "mother-in-law" problem.

No need to worry or say you're sorry. My situation is worse: it's my mother... ;)

I liked a lot what you wrote about children. I went for a walk with a friend of mine and her sister's baby. That little boy came into the world as a planned surprise; illness forced his parents to have him earlier - they knew that if they didn't have a baby when they did, that might be their last chance. So, being younger than they hoped to be, they jumped at the chance and the result is one happy, easy and adorable boy.

It would be interesting to listen when Linda & Dennis swap notes... ;)

Actually, that line "Do you know something that I don't?" is something I could see myself using in future, with a light, jokey tone. ;D

It's been a rough day. Re-reading these post brought smile back to my face. I needed that. :)

Thank you all, once again. :)

Sanna

This is a tough subject, and I feel for you.  I was going to leave it alone, but after a couple of the posts I just have to share a story that happened to us.

Shortly after our third child was born I was getting my hair cut.  The lady cutting my hair was known as one of the biggest gossips at our church, so when she asked how many we planned to have I answered with the joke Linda and I had before we were married, "I promised Linda she could have 12."  I just left it at that, but "forgot" to tell Linda about the conversation. ;D  Then next Sunday when we walked into the church about six women swamped Linda telling her how sorry they were for her that I was making her have so many children.  The look on her face, and then on theirs when they knew they had been had was priceless!

Another, and I'll quit.  One year Linda had the opportunity to ride with some friends up near where her parents lived.  She hadn't seen them in over a year, and I couldn't get away from work, so I told her to take Rich and go with them.  The next Sunday the same woman asked where Linda was.  I said, "She went home to her Mother's".  The lady assumed she had left me (as I knew she would with her penchant for gossip) and said, "Well, aren't you upset?"  I said, "No, I even helped her pack." and walked away.  Again, I "forgot" to tell Linda.  You should have seen it the next Sunday when the same group of women crowded around to tell her how glad they were that we were back together!  That lady hardly spoke to me after that, and that is exactly the way I liked it!

You live your life, and let them live theirs.  You don't have to lie to them, but you don't have to tell them everything either.

Jerry

This relationship is different because they like this one better.

They're not thinking in terms of how rude questions affect you- they're feeling their own baby fever come on and it's too late or they don't want the responsibility so they want you to have one.  Now.  That way they get to enjoy the baby and then hand him back.

The way my sister and I handled this:  Told my mom that if she wanted to ensure grandchildren she should have had more kids in the first place. Which seemed to make her revert to why she decided not to have more, which removed the romantic concepts of babies and replaced them with the less romantic, screaming, messy, hyperexpensive reality.  That removed the pressure a great deal. We also told her to get a puppy.  And sister may have mentioned a few times that they had a 5 year plan.

That stopped the questions indefinitely.  Course, now that my sister's expecting there's a whole different kind of rude questions being lolled her way.  Some of them from me.   =D

Hmm... I'm getting lots of new ideas here. ;)

Katherine, what you wrote is true with my family: my parents only had me, which means that the grandchild pressure is on me alone. I know now why I'm the only child, so mom does know that it might not be that simple to have any in the first place.

I did joke with Esa that I should simply direct everybody's questions and comments to him; they would never dare ask him as much. ;D

Sanna

Sandy,
I am the only child of an only child and there was never any pressure to have a baby.

Carolyn

I already had four daughters when the 5th pregnancy was announced. The typical response was: "I'll bet you are hoping for a boy."  My answer was "We are hoping for a healthy baby." 

Carolyn,
that is wonderful. :) And exactly how it also should be.

Marc,
that is terrible! But people do make those assumptions all the time. A cousin of mine is the youngest of 3 boys, so when he and his wife were expecting their first child, he was constantly asked if he wanted the baby to be a boy, too. He said those same words: We're hoping for a healthy baby. Their baby is a girl. ;)

I've noticed that mom only mentions baby stuff when I visit her alone. Aguess when I don't want to hear any hints, I just should drag Esa along. ;D


Sanna

We do not have any kids of our own so we can relate and I am 51 so we have been through what you are going through right now.
We were pushed by family, mostly on Angie's side as she is a Catholic, but after a bit they quit bugging us about it. At times we regret not having any of our own kids but we do have 30+ nieces, nephews, including great nieces & nephews, so they are like our own except we are not financially responsible for them LOL ;D
This is where a nice little two seater car will come into play, no room for a baby! ;)

barry_sword wrote on Oct 3^rd, 2010 at 8:51am:

This is where a nice little two seater car will come into play, no room for a baby! ;)

You know, that is exactly what comforts us: if for reason or other we can't have kids one day, we can always get that two-seater. ;)

I've got the feeling that people will be asking us more and more about babies in future... But now I've got the perfect answer to tell them. :)

Sanna