The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

**My Dearest Dogs and Cats:  The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Racing me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. In case you didn't know dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is:  Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt.  I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1)  They live here.  You don't. 

(2)  If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur' niture. 

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 

(4)  To you, they are animals..  To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

(7) don't smoke or drink,

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

AND FINALLY.....(11) if they get pregnant, you can LEGALLY sell their children .....

Just perfect.

I confused myself today as I got downstairs before either of our cats realised I'd sneaked out the other bathroom door. They were convinced I was only doing it so I could make my breakfast before I fed them.

[smiley=crackup.gif] ;D [smiley=crackup.gif]

  Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore finger and thumb on either of side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheek while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

  Take new pill from foil wrapper, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Pull spouse from garden.

  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growl emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw; force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandage to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

  Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

  Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

  Get spouse to drive you to hospital; sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

  Arrange for SPCA to collect cat.

AussieBrian,

Your instructions for giving a cat a pill were very informative, but you forgot Part II - Giving a Dog a Pill:

1.  Wrap pill in a piece of cheese.
2.  Give to dog.

Regards,
Jim

Kilowatt3 wrote on Oct 5^th, 2010 at 7:07pm:

AussieBrian, Your instructions for giving a cat a pill were very informative, but you forgot Part II - Giving a Dog a Pill: 1.  Wrap pill in a piece of cheese. 2.  Give to dog. Regards, Jim

BOTH are hilarious...and TRUE!

My brother described "pilling" his dog as...pill bottle out...and Holly would get the "CHEEEEEEEZ PLEEEEEZ" look. :D

Just one question. . .  Why would you bother giving a pill to a cat?

Jerry

Callico wrote on Oct 11^th, 2010 at 3:07pm:

Just one question. . .  Why would you bother giving a pill to a cat? Jerry

Cyanide... ::)

Joe

Joeseppi... you are ssssssssoooooo fricking not right.

Luv Ya Dude

Lady Luv

Loved it.

Guiseppi wrote on Oct 18^th, 2010 at 9:55am:

Callico wrote on Oct 11th, 2010 at 3:07pm: Just one question. . .  Why would you bother giving a pill to a cat? Jerry Cyanide... ::) Joe

LOL!  Should'a thought of that!

I'm no cat lover, either, but here's a nice piece written 200 years ago by the bloke who named Australia -

START PRINTPAGEMultimedia File Viewing and Clickable Links are available for Registered Members only!!  You need to or END PRINTPAGE

[quote author=714543435955724259515E300 link=1285606975/11#11 date=1287446192]I'm no cat lover, either, but here's a nice piece written 200 years ago by the bloke who named Australia -

START PRINTPAGEMultimedia File Viewing and Clickable Links are available for Registered Members only!!  You need to or END PRINTPAGE


WOW I actually read the whole thing... it's one of those articles that once you start reading it, you want to finish..

I'm with Ruthy...once you start reading it, you won't stop!

Joe