Hi all...  just an update, I have been h/f for over 3 yrs..longest stretch ever.

However, my REAL problem now is I have an alcoholic b/f, and it's breaking my heart.  I have been with him for 1 1/2 yrs but only recently found this out 6 mos ago.  He has done rehab and not done well since.  After reading and researching, I now realize I must leave the man I love till he stops... if ever.  It's killing me, and I have no one that I feel comfortable talking to about it.  Any advice on how to move on?  Thanks and pfnad to all...

Wendy.. Gosh what a problem.    Wish the best for ya.  But only you know the answers to your dilema.

   You can not change anyone!    Do whats best for YOU!

I know what I need to do, it's just not who I am to turn my back on someone in need of help, especially someone I love....  :(

Quote:

it's just not who I am to turn my back on someone in need of help,

If you have not already gone to AlAnon, I suggest you do.  This man will bring you down with him if you don't act now. You already said he tried re-hab and it didn't change his problem at all. If he wanted to alter his behavior...it would have already happened. Do not be an enabler.  Please.  That's not love.  It's sick and it's counter-productive to what you would wish for him which is sobriety.   When he is sober for a year.  tell him to call you.  Ala-non will tell you the same thing.  As hard as this may seem this is the most loving thing in the world you can do for him.

Are you worrying about having no support re: your headaches ?

...honey you have all of us.   :-*

Linda    (270)-824-8328     if you want to talk.

Oh thank you so much Linda, this is exactly the things I need to hear...  everyone keeps telling me what you just said, but I guess I'm going to have to beat it into my head..  I thought al-anon was for supporters of this disease...  maybe I will go.  This is just heart wrenching for me.

From experience - I will tell you that  you can't fix another person if they don't admit to being broken.  What Linda tells you is the best advise you will ever get.

Hugs and hoping for a better life for you from the original "been there - done that" gal!
Carol

Wendy1 wrote on Oct 4^th, 2010 at 8:01pm:

He has done rehab

Takes a good time with people been there to get out of the woods, then pretty much life-long. 



Quote:

Any advice on how to move on?

Alcoholism only gets worse.

All good advice, especially about AlAnon. Keep in mind most addictions, and this is especially true of alcohol, require a "triangle" network. This is an interaction between victim-persecutor-rescuer. Three people or more are needed to play. And they often swap roles just to keep this dangerous activity going. The persecutor blames or accuses; the victim whines; the rescuer enables-and the victim feels justified in indulging his or her favorite sedative. The only way out is to not be one of the three anymore. AlAnon helps you not become a victim yourself, and teaches you how to not enable or persecute. By the way, just pointing out the consequences of destructive behavior are not victimizing: the opposite is true. Most addicts are pretending there are no consequences. Sad. Take care of yourself first. God bless! lance

Grandma_Sweet_Boy wrote on Oct 4^th, 2010 at 8:53pm:

From experience - I will tell you that  you can't fix another person if they don't admit to being broken.  What Linda tells you is the best advise you will ever get. Hugs and hoping for a better life for you from the original "been there - done that" gal! Carol

Good Sound Advise... I too have been there and done that..

God Bless..

LadyLuv

I am so sorry you have to go through this, I did the same myself but it was drugs and it was my wife of five years and it sucks I am not going to sugar cote it. Linda is right about the AlAnon meetings, I went and it really did help me deal with the loss I was about to go through and it helped me understand what a monster addiction really is and how hard it is for someone with it to deal with and overcome. Please check them out it will be helpful in your healing and understanding.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to give support, I AM hearing what you all are saying.  I see it's just a vicious circle and that it doesn't end..  still struggling with letting go, though I know it's what I must do.

Yep, Wendy.  It WILL be the hardest thing for you to do, but you're already strong indivual just because of CH.  If he is serious about getting sober and you tell him to call you when he's been sober for a year...then maybe there's hope for the 2 of you.  In any case, you should go on with your life.  Please stick around here and keep us up-dated on your life/head/etc.

Wendy,

It is a tough choice.  You love him, but if you remain as is you will only enable him.  For both of your sakes please let him know you are not abandoning him, that you still love him, but you cannot continue on as is.  Sometimes love has to be tough.  It is hard on both of you, but please make sure he knows it is not rejection of him, but of his choices.

I'm PM'ing a couple of resources to you.  Please check your PM's.

Jerry

I have practiced saying these words, exactly how I feel.  I want to be prepared to say them.

break up with him after you have made up your mind whether you ll be a true friend (strictly) in need and support(strictly) till he stops or abandon him and go on with your life separately.
The promise call a year after in a relationship of a year and a half it's a lifetime in comparison and probably won't work for you not even for him.

also the addictions are effect of the deficit in human relationships.try find what's not there in his life.

good luck i wish for you and especially him