My x-wife and I split up January 11th almost three years ago and it was my choice and I really do not miss her but, she had two girls when we got together the younger was 2 and the older 11. Now I have never had my own children so the younger Lauren was the closest I have ever been to being a dad and I truly loved it. It is Laurens birthday today and I feel very sad that I was not allowed to stay in her life, I understand why and in part even agree, you see in the long run her mother and her real dad felt it would be better for me not to be around and that she would just be confused with two dads she does not see and top that off with a boyfriend when her mom started dating again and you can see how the kid could be messed up a bit. I still love her very much and miss her dearly, it hurts to think I would not recognize her if I saw her, a friend saw her and told me she grew like two feet since the split so the little girl I remember is not so little anymore. I hope one day she will try and find me, I would love to be able to reunite with her and tell her how painful it was to be away from her and not get to watch her grow up but that may never happen. The older girl Kari hates me, she blames me for leaving even when she knows it was her mother that forced me to leave with her actions but she told me she just could not bring herself to blame her mother so she had to blame me instead even when she knew it was not me.  I even miss my in-laws, Dave and Karen they were both great to me the entire time I was married to their daughter and really did treat me like I was their own son and I know it broke their hearts when I left and that they did not blame me but did not want me to go. All this from a birthday reminder popping up on my computer. Just needed to get this out is all, thanks for listening guys.

(((Matt)))  [smiley=hug.gif]

Matt  [smiley=hug.gif] Have faith in that little girl, someday she will grow up to be a beautiful smart woman who will know the truth of how you feel. I know this from experience.

I will tell you something that I've never told anyone here.  I was three years old when I was taken from my dad (through no fault of his own) due to an over zealous welfare agent who didn't care about us (my brother and sister as well) and who didn't bother to try and help him.

For years I was lied to by the rest of my (blood) relatives about my dad, deep down I knew it.  It took me 23 more years of growing but I eventually found him ON MY OWN without anyone else's help and not because they weren't asked but because they refused.

I am now 45 (sshhh don't tell anyone  ;) ) and I've had my dad in my life since I found him when I was 26 years old.  He now lives with me and as I always knew he is a WONDERFUL father, grandfather to my children and man.

Keep the faith one day (I pray) you will have the same gift only from a fathers perspective.

I would echo Ginger's post, but from the point of view of a friend.  A boss I used to work for divorced his wife who became a drunk and a run-around.  The court's awarded the girls to her, and he paid child support, but did not see them from the time the youngest was 9 until she was 19.  He rescued her from her mother's boyfriend who was abusing her and they reunited.  The last I saw them they were very close to each other almost 20 yrs later.  Give the older one time and she will come around too.

Jerry

Why? Perhaps it's because you have a heart...and hearts are fragile. Protect it, and it shrinks down to nothing and becomes hard.......put it out there and you risk getting it broken- but, as you know, a broken heart is much better than a cold, hardened heart. Keep your heart open to the possibility that in the future these girls will find you.
Be good to yourself, Matt, you deserve it.

Cathi_Pierce wrote on Dec 13^th, 2010 at 11:40pm:

Why? Perhaps it's because you have a heart...and hearts are fragile. Protect it, and it shrinks down to nothing and becomes hard.......put it out there and you risk getting it broken- but, as you know, a broken heart is much better than a cold, hardened heart. Keep your heart open to the possibility that in the future these girls will find you. Be good to yourself, Matt, you deserve it.

Nicely and profoundly said.

Thanks everyone you are all great and probably right and Ginger I hope you are right nothing would make me more happy then to have both my girls  come back to me and want to have a relationship with me. I never had much of a father growing up myself, parents divorced when I was just one, my dad did take us skiing a couple times a year and took us shopping for our birthdays but that was about it and he lived about ten mile away, I still struggle with him and just recently wrote him a very long email telling him how I truly felt and that he needed to earn the respect of his kids instead of just feeling he deserved it no matter how he acted. To paint a proper picture and I hate to do this but the mad grabbed my wife’s but not once but twice and on my wedding day, luckily I did not see either but was told by her later. I know in some strange twisted way he thought he was being funny but can you be any less respectful of your son I ask you? I tried to be everything he was not with my girls so it was hard to walk away from the marriage even though my wife had turned into a drug crazed control freak that I could not live with but I had to do what I had to that or live in misery, my only regret is losing the girls. :(

Kids are smart and intuitive, if you showed them as much love as if they were your own, they know it.  I hope someday you will get to have the relationship with them that you wish for. 
 [smiley=hug.gif] In the mean time keep the faith.

[smiley=hug.gif]My Dearest Matt [smiley=hug.gif] I have walked in the path you now travel; Only it was granddaughters.  They  (my son & his x) were living in my house when my oldest Granddaughter Richauna, was born; they separated 2-1/2 years later, right after Richeena was born. As long as they were separated and not divorced, there was no problem, I kept the girls at least 2 weekends out of the month and even more often when I was going on trips. But once Richard, actually filed divorce (7-8yrs later)... that was the end of my visits or any contact... The girls use to sneak and call me;  but I actually didn't see them physically for several years even though they only lived 19 miles away. Once Cheena got old enough to drive, she would drive down to visit with me, without her mothers knowledge.. And I enjoyed each visit... very much...

The point... they will seek you out.. The oldest one is angry because she was uprooted from what probably was the only real home and father she's ever known. And the baby girl will seek you out because, although she was formed from what sounds like a Sperm Doner, she was raised by you, the only real father she's ever known and that memory will always be there.


I'm almost sure Matt that one day your lil' girl will find you and I'm equally as sure that the oldest one will forgive you, it's not you that she's angry with, it's her mom. But she's convinced that you could have fixed it....

Hang in there Brother...  :-* :-*

LadyLuv :-*

Oh Matt, I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I can tell by your words that you dearly love these two daughters that are not your own. 

Go ahead and send birthday cards, to both of them, and cards and letters at every opportunity you can.  Keep a copy of everything you send them.  Someday you might be able to show them both how much you loved them.

Probability is that their Mom will intercept anything you send now, but if you keep trying and keep that door open with these children and keep copies of everything you have tried to do, at some point in time, you may be able to re-establish a loving relationship them.  With your copies, they hopefully someday know that you have continuously loved them and have tried to stay in touch.

Do not give up!

Sandy

Sandy_C wrote on Dec 15^th, 2010 at 4:11pm:

Oh Matt, I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I can tell by your words that you dearly love these two daughters that are not your own.  Go ahead and send birthday cards, to both of them, and cards and letters at every opportunity you can.  Keep a copy of everything you send them.  Someday you might be able to show them both how much you loved them. Probability is that their Mom will intercept anything you send now, but if you keep trying and keep that door open with these children and keep copies of everything you have tried to do, at some point in time, you may be able to re-establish a loving relationship them.  With your copies, they hopefully someday know that you have continuously loved them and have tried to stay in touch. Do not give up! Sandy

Hi Sandy, I was told not to send cards or gifts by both their mom and the little ones father and he is, well let’s just say a vindictive p*!k. The man wrote a letter to the high school her grandfather worked at pretending to be a student saying he touched him to try and get the man fired and called CPS twice on him and made up stuff and only backed off when a judge told him that if they investigated and it came back with no grounds that he would be the one in trouble. I was lucky I guess that he never did that to me but I was always nice to him and did not try and piss him off, he loves to go to court and mess with people and his parents pay all his bills so he does not even care how much he blows on lawyers. Too bad he did not put the same amount of effort into being with his little girl but his typical weekend was pick her up and drop her off with his parents so he could go do what he wanted to do then drop her back off with us, not much of a dad. He also freaked when his daughter slipped and referred to be as daddy, I never asked her to call me that she did it on her own but the day she came back and told me her daddy got really mad at her for calling me daddy and that she was not allowed to call me that any more really hurt but I just told her that it did not matter what she called me and that I knew how much she loved me and that was all that mattered to me, OK so a bit of a lie I really did like her calling me dad but nothing I could do about it and he is not a man to piss off and I still do not want to piss him off because he will come after me and even if he does not win he will make me spend every penny I have on lawyers so in the end he will win.
I do think one day they will both find me at least I have the hope they will.

is there any possibility that your *ex's* parents would help you talk to the girls (or at least let you know how they are doing?)?

FTR, my nephew is in somewhat of the same situation, except that the kids dad is all for him spending time with the kid (he pretty much raised him anyway).

deltadarlin wrote on Dec 15^th, 2010 at 7:42pm:

is there any possibility that your *ex's* parents would help you talk to the girls (or at least let you know how they are doing?)? FTR, my nephew is in somewhat of the same situation, except that the kids dad is all for him spending time with the kid (he pretty much raised him anyway).

I wish they would but problem is that they really loved me and having me leave was like losing one of their own kids they told me. My mother-in-law cried like crazy and I think seeing me or talking to me would just be to painful for them. When I left they told me they understood and did not blame me at all but they wanted what was best for their daughter and they felt that that was me, my father-in-law told me once that for the first time in his life he did not have to worry about his daughter because she was with me. These people really thought I walked on water and always treated me like I was their own son and me leaving was very painful for them to deal with and I really do not want to inflict more pain on them than they have already gone through.

My best friend works on their cars so I do get some updates on what is going on and that is how I know Lauren has grown like two feet since we divorced and he says any time he brings me up they get quite and sad so just do not think going through them is a good idea I have already caused enough pain well not true she caused this but I did leave for my own sanity. :-/