Most of you know I have SUNCT not CH and my pain is constant only changing in intensity.
So first cycle started like 8 years ago lasted a year second one after a year break lasted 2 years and now I just passed the 2.5 year mark and it is still going strong. Finally found a new medication to try and it seemed like it was really helping but now it is making me very sick and I have to stop taking it and it is like getting hit below the belt, yet again. I have an incredible woman in my life who I am going to Mary April 28th 2013 would be sooner but the cost is so high we need time to save for it so we are not paying for it forever on plastic, I have a great job, nice toys and although we rent it is a very nice house but with all that I still cannot feel that happy because of the pain I feel from when I open my eyes in the morning until I close them at night. The saying “money can’t buy you happiness” is so true, I would trade all I have to be healthy and pain free. Nancy is not only the love of my life but my lifeline as well, I am scared at the dark place I know I would go if I did not have her love right now. Whenever I hear of someone who has passed away I cannot help but be a bit envious of them because I know they no longer feel pain, is it wrong to think this way, I know it is scary to think this way but not sure if it is wrong like it matters. I am just so tired of feeling like every day is a battle just to get to the end of it and wondering when and if this cycle will ever end and wondering if my strength will one day give out and I will give in to the dark and let it take me even if that means causing other more pain than I am now willing to cause them right now. I had one of my worse attacks on the 18th could not even get out of the bed until noon and only made it to the couch, the pain was so intense I was in tears and the pain medication did not help at all at least not with the amount I was willing to take, pretty sure I would have come close to an OD if I took enough to help and would not go that far, maybe I am still recovering from that hit and that’s why I am feeling so dark right now but it just seems the dark thoughts are coming more often and it is getting harder to keep them out of my mind these days. Sorry about the long dark thread guys just needed to get this out right now to people that can relate or at least understand why I would feel this way. Thanks for being here for me and if any of you feel like this is an opening to toss a cheap shot at me I beg you to not do it.

  I walk about a quarter mile up the road and visit my friend.  He has no legs and one arm that is pretty fooked up and he is on dialysis.
    His problems make mine seem pretty insignificant.

              Potter

Thanks potter, I remind myself often that it could be worse and so many people out there are far worse off and would trade with me in a heartbeat.

Quote:

Thanks for being here for me and if any of you feel like this is an opening to toss a cheap shot at me I beg you to not do it.

Anyone of us who understand pain as well as we do, wouldn't dream of taking a cheap shot and if someone did, they'd have a whole bunch of us to answer to.   
I don't have an answer on how to cope with feeling sorry for yourself because we've all been there.  Depression due to constant chronic pain is inevitable.  Even as a severe chronic with CH...I, at least had PF times where I could feel good and do the things I needed to do.  With Sunct, that isn't always possible to have enough PF time.  I guess all you can do is keep trying every new treatment that comes along and hoping one will be the magic bullet.

You'll be in my prayers Matt. 

BigMatt, I wish I could do more... but I will continue to do the only thing that I am capable of doing for you.. I will continue to Pray for you.... Be Blessed.

Luv & Hugs

Lady Luv

Chronic pain sucks, and the pity party that goes with that can be inevitable. The inability to shake that pity party means it's time to pay closer attention to it.

When I screwed my shoulder up, I went to a professional who showed me techniques to slowly build it back to where it was. Left to my own devices I'd have kept lifting weights....cuz "that's what I've always done"....and only made matters worse. Sometimes "how we've always done it" just doesn't cut it anymore.

If you are not already doing so, I'd suggest you seek some sort of counseling. The mind is one hell of a complex operating sytem, and HOW you process things can have a dramatic effect on your quality of life. Short term counseling, to give you some effective tools to process all the pain, might help you around the corner.

Whichever route you take, we're always here. Hang in there brudder.

Joe

Matt - I agree with Guiseppi here - it may be worth your while to seek help.  Lots of us have been in that "dark place" and it's not always possible to get out of it on  your own.

Hang in there, friend.  We are all here for you.

If things are that dark please seek help asap!  I hate to see anyone in that dark of a place.

I have been there a few times and I hang on to the following thoughts in the roughest of CH times.

"Yes I feel pain but that means I am alive and I have friends and most of all FAMILY to keep me going.  I hope one day to meet one of my children's kids when they have them.  My pain will end, so live as happily and as full a life as possible in-between the hellish times." 

These thoughts may not help everyone but they help me.  Along with those thoughts, adding lots of laughter to my life helps, in our family there is a lot of laughter.  Someone is almost always cracking wise about something.   :D

Hang in there Matt and please if needed seek help!

I have chronic ch.  I get hit 8x a day every day.  Each lasting 1 1/2 hours long with shadows in between.  So basically Im in a 10 for pain for 16 hours every day.  I lived like this for a long time before I found relief.  I was constantly in that very dark place.  I went to a therapist and was put on an antidepressant that worked wonders and I went to a chronic pain group to help me deal with the pain.  I would recomend you start seeking outside help with dealing with this.  It is sometimes to much to bear alone without help.  I will be praying for you for relief.  Anytime you need us we are here.

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Matt, am so happy that you have Nancy in your life. Agree with the others, that it might be good to have someone to talk to. Does your work have an 'Employee Assistance Program" (EAP) they often have some good short term counselers that can do some assessments and get you into the right program for you.

Meanwhile, you and Nancy keep posting with us, we're your extended family.

There's no shame or stigma in reaching your outer limits and asking for professional help.  Sometimes reaching those outer limits is scarier than the asking for help.

Do try it, it certainly can't hurt.

I just wanna 2nd Joe's suggestion and give you a big [smiley=hug.gif]!

love,
mel

Thank you everyone, I have gone the professional rout before so know what it is about and know sometimes it is good to just talk to someone outside your circle of family and friends someone you can tell the darkest things to. I do know they will want me to go on more pills and just not wanting that part of it even if I should. Trust me I would go find help before doing something I could not undo at least I hope I would and I am just probably going through one of those times when it is just a bit harder to deal than other times. I need to just think about today and not tomorrow or the day after and just deal with this one day at a time since that seem to be the easiest way to do it, if there is an easy way to deal with chronic pain like this.
Thank you all for your kind words and support it does help a lot.

matt, keep on talking to us here o.k.?

We are your soft place to fall and a huge deal better than trying to do it on your own. 

What Linda said...I'm just not all mushy like she is! ;)

[smiley=hug.gif] Hugs your way brother.

Joe

Sounds not fun.  >:(

My only advice is to come here a lot and rant away. It's probably as good as seeing a therapist.

Don't let anybody tell you that it's not okay to be depressed though.

Let us hear from you soon....now would be good.

Charlie

Thanks again guys, been trying to keep as busy as I can at work to keep my mind active and not dwell on what I am going through right now and that always helps. Watch another crime show last night on the abuse of Oxicodone and that was probably not good since that is what I take but it amazes me that all the people they talk to and show on these types of shows seem so different than I am and I am taking the same medication. OK I just swallow them and only when I need them and they do it for the enjoyment of the high and smoke them shoot them and snort them, it has to be hard to have an addictive personality and wind up like that, I am so glad I only get the physical dependency on the drug, still makes it hard to stop but the difference is I always want to stop and never do the things they do with them. If I did have the mental aspect of addiction I would have been screwed a long time ago with the amount my doctor gives me and just so you know I am not BSing on this I actually skipped a refill on my meds because I had cut back so much that I was able to make them last two months instead of one. Funny when I put my x-wife through rehab we were in group one day and she told the shrink that I would leave pain pills in the cabinet for months and sometime over a year and the man looked at me and said “you had pills left and you didn’t take them?” he was shocked then looked at me and said “well you sure are not an addict” lol Rambling again sorry about that, back to work now, take care and PF wishes to all of you.

Matt You might want to try an herbal to help with the anxiety/stress.  Tranquil (contains Humulus Lupulus and Valeriana Officinalis aka Hops Extract and Valerian root extract) It has helped me with added stress and may help you too.

You can find it at a Price Chopper if you have one near you or probably any other Grocery store.  It is non-addictive also if taken before bed may help avoid a CH hit or two.  Check with Dr for adverse reactions with medications 1st though.

Keep your chin up Matt!!