Subject: S.H.I.T
Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and Productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to
the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T.

Thank you for your time!
Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

EARLY RETIREMENT PROGRAM

Due to the economic situation, management has decided to reduce the current workforce and has devised a Reduction of Employees program.

Under this plan, older employees will be placed in early retirement, permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the organisation.

This program will be known as RAPE (Retirement, Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within the Division, provided that while they are RAPED, they request a review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place.

This phase of the program will be known as SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may apply for a final review.

This phase will be known a STUFFED (Study of Termination of Use For Further Education and Development).

Program policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but can get STUFFED as many times as the management sees fit.

I completed my SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.) last year. Now my boss is telling me this:

"Since you ran through S.H.I.T. last year and came out smelling like a rose, we are now going to have you mentor those who did not handle S.H.I.T. as well. You will join me as part of the Yearly Overacheiving Minds Acting as Mentors Association (Y.O.M.A.M.A.).

Y.O.M.A.M.A. will be passed along for group events with each division. When needed, special one-on-one interaction will be taken. I usually drive these one-on-one sessions with Y.O.M.A.M.A. becuase I have been with Y.O.M.A.M.A. for so many years.

On occasion, Y.O.M.A.M.A. will make guest appearances outside of work for team building group events outside of the office. Many times, Y.O.M.A.M.A. will be the host of a private party and be featured at the head table for easy accessibility. Individuals can approach the table in which they will receive close interaction with Y.O.M.A.M.A. (usually a small donation of $1 is required when approaching Y.O.M.A.M.A. at the featured table).

You have received a great honor by being accepted into Y.O.M.A.M.A.. Y.O.M.A.M.A. has high standards and will only accept those who excel at S.H.I.T."

Sounds like a couple of somebodies had way to much time on their hands.  Unfortunately, both stories may be true.

JC