SUCKS!!!!!

I want my vision of my sweet little girl to remain unchanged forever.  

I know, I know, quite ignorant of me. ::)

lol

Dammit! >:( :P

*sigh*

Ree!  Help!  ;D

They can be vile creatures, no?

You were one once. So was I. We have one living under our roof right now.

All I can offer is, try to remember what it was like. How the world made little sense. Try to find that common ground and go from there.

And if that doesn't work, beat the hell out of her. ;)

Oh Melissa........... I am right there with you.  I have a fifteen year old son.  [smiley=bash.gif]      I miss him too.  Hang in there!

Jeannie

I have two of them, but I'm fortunate.  I really have nothing I can bitch about.  

Oh man, it hurts so bad!  Now I know what my mother meant when she said "just wait till YOU have kids!".  I had no idea just how much I put her through until now. :(

Brew, you're right.  I've been trying to think back to when I was that age, where it felt like the whole world was on your shoulders, where each day was so stressful and confusing and how you just wanted to run away from it all.  I'm trying to be understanding, but it's hard when you have to discipline at the same time.  Not only that, because Jesse works so much it all falls on me!  Trying to defer that some before I have a nervous breakdown.  ::)

Jeannie, how bout we hold on tight together and ride this out as long as we can! :)

Redd wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 10:37am:

I have two of them, but I'm fortunate.  I really have nothing I can bitch about.

You're very lucky...

There aren't words for the heartbreak.. day by day Melly, it's all we can try!

wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 10:42am:

...day by day Melly, it's all we can try!

Sometimes it's hour by hour - even minute by minute.

And sometimes you just have to let them run around with their proverbial shoelaces untied. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but they won't learn to tie their shoes until they trip and fall on their face.

I think that remembering how hard being a teen was makes it harder to parent.  I know what I should do in response to some of the things that go on in our house.  It just breaks my heart to see my kids unhappy.  That old saying " This hurts me more than it hurts you " is sooooo true!  

Jeannie

I truly understand Mel.  My baby turned 15 yesterday!!  They grow up so fast and so often have to learn everything the hard way (cause they know everything!)  

Beth

........................ and parents know NOTHING!

I remember the hell I put my Mother through in those years.  I wouldn't want to go through that.  

I will keep you and Lilly in my thoughts though.  Maybe the good energy will help.  Even if just a little.

Maybe this will help, maybe it won't. The lyrics to one of my favorite songs, Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Obviously, change the gender where appropriate:

Mama told me when I was young, Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say. And if you do this It will help you some sunny day.

Take your time, Don't live too fast, Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you'll find love, And don't forget son, There is someone up above.

And be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man. Won't you do this for me son, If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold, All that you need is in your soul.
And you can do this if you try. All that I want for you my son, Is to be satisfied.

And be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man. Won't you do this for me son, If you can?

Boy, don't you worry... you'll find yourself. Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try. All I want for you my son, Is to be satisfied.

And be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man. Won't you do this for me son, If you can?

At 13, my kids were sullen, spacy bundles of attitude.  At 18. they knew everything about life and the world and.well, everything..........now, at 32/30, I am amazed how much they admit they don't know!
We got thru the teen years pretty much unscathed.They kept their grades and their sports up........
It's much nicer now, however, since they learned Mom and Dad are NOT so out of touch and backward!

Melly, and all the rest...........you WILL survive-and they will come back to you with questions and issues, and you will AMAZE them with your insight!

Cathi, a survivor

Thanks Redd!


Lily is torn right now.  She doesn't understand what's going on, why she is so scatterbrained, CRS & spacey.  She also is experincing lovely teenage hormones which have already gotten her in trouble at school...twice.  Jess and I have been picked to go meet with them on Thursday.  We are so lucky! :P  

Anyhoo, I did take the initiative to get her some help.  She's seeing a psychologist and really likes her.  I did request ADD testing, just to rule it out, and they obliged (please, no judging).  We get the results of that next week when she has her session.  I'm sure it's a mess of things, but I figured this would be a good thing to do now, before it keeps getting worse.  She'll be in 8th grade next year and have many of the same teachers as this year.  Oh she is SO lucky! ::)  Poor kid...

I wish my mom was here.  Heck, I wish Jesse's mom was here too!  I feel like I'm flying blind through this. :'(

Egad.   :P

That being said, EJ and I have been pretty lucky, despite our share of drama.  Some are easier than others.

Hang in there.  They become more recognizably human as they approach 18.

All the best,

George

I always tell people that when I was 18 and out on my own, my old man was completely and utterly f*cked up in the head.

By the time I had turned 21 and was married, it was amazing what he had learned in 3 short years.

Cathi- I wish Lily was keeping her grades up, but they've been going down.  If she were just concentrating and remembering to hand in her work, she gets A's!  Very puzzling to me...

George- I'm hanging in with all I got!

Brew- so, was it you or your dad?  Guess I'm not quite getting it?  sorry :-[

It was a play on words, Mel. I was 18, my dad was f*cked up. When I turned 21, it was amazing what HE had learned in 3 years, when in actuality, I was the one who had learned so much. All the things he said now made so much more sense. In reality, it wasn't him who had learned anything at all - it was me.

Sorry about that - when you tell it verbally, the inflection makes it much more understandable.

K Brew, thanks for clarifying.  I thought that was what you meant, but I have NO idea what your relationship was with your Dad, so I didn't wanna make an assumption. :)

Melissa wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 11:09am:

I feel like I'm flying blind through this. :'(

Me, too, melly. And I've done this before, LOL. Teens are tough, teen girls are even tougher.
You're doing all the right things, so try to take it all with some levity. Remember, no matter what she says, she loves you.

It seems like mooshie and I don't get along at all. Unless we're watching Home and Garden TV (she loves it, LOL) or shopping. So I use those moments to say what I think she needs to hear, and to joke around and keep some kind of bond between us.

Hang in there, mama ...by the time Ava is 12, you'll be an expert.  :)

hugs and love, nani

nani wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 12:02pm:

It seems like mooshie and I don't get along at all. Unless we're watching Home and Garden TV (she loves it, LOL) or shopping. So I use those moments to say what I think she needs to hear, and to joke around and keep some kind of bond between us.

Oh boy do I recognise this bit!!! It's almost comforting to know I'm not alone but I'm so sorry for everyone else too!

This is gonna end up another sort of H A site isn't it?

Hormones Anonymous!!  ::)

Check your PM   ;)

nani wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 12:02pm:

So I use those moments to say what I think she needs to hear...

Bingo! There is a great deal of psychological basis for this, and it's right on. Think of how a hypnotist works - they get you to a place where your mind is most open to suggestion, then they plant their seeds.

Works the same way with the conscious mind - once you both are experiencing something that you enjoy (well, even if you don't enjoy it, you can pretend - hey, who's the adult here?), you can plant those seeds of wisdom. You may not see immediate results, but you can know that the seeds are germinating.

Hopefully the values that you taught them at an early age is only just below the surface and not forgotten. This is a very tough time for girls about to or just starting their teenage years. Mine got thru it and hopefully yours will too.
    I look at pictures of our son Brad and daughter Kim when they were around 7-8 years old and it is a dying moment for me because I miss those 2 7-8 year olds. They are adults and great parents of their own, but I sometimes want them back as I see them in the picture.

[/quote]


Hormones Anonymous!!  ::)
[/quote]

LMAO   ;D

I will pray for you Mel - LOL.  God knows it ain't easy.  They become like different creatures - the hormones raging through their bodies i'm sure - but then it does get better.  One day at a time.

Hugs,
Langa

Man, I am just sitting here in tears!  Lily has not gotten to that point yet of going off on "me", but she is starting to with her teachers.  And Nani, I am so feeling you there!  Lily and I are the exact same about when we're watching LOST or shopping too!  But it's the rest of the time where I feel like I don't know what to do with her because it seems she doesn't understand me and I don't understand her.  It's quite sad really. :(  On one hand I want to scoop her in my arms and hug her to death like I do Eli, but then when I try, she let's me do it for a few seconds and then pulls away saying I'm weirding her out?

I remember doing that to my mom too, almost like you're trying to assert your independence and find your own individuality.  Sucks, but it's like a rite of passage.  Wish I could crawl into a hole and come out when she's graduated college, married and pregnant with my first grandkid. [smiley=grin2.gif]

Ah well...

Helen- don't tell me Brid is going through this awful stuff too?  I thought she was doing so well?  Made me jealous when you posted about her scores, it seemed like she is a model daughter and that you two got along fabulous! :-?

Langa, prayers are always accepted!! :) :-*

Jimi, I just love how you insert the word "hopefully" ::).  lol

Melissa wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 11:09am:

I feel like I'm flying blind through this. :'(

We all do Mel.  It's an old story.  You see anyone can become a parent.  The hard part comes when you have to BE a parent.

Just trust your gut and know deep inside that whatever happens, she still loves you.  The two of you will come out of this just fine in the end.  However I know how dark and bumpy the road can get.

((((HUGS))))

-Dennis-

Melissa wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 12:43pm:

I remember doing that to my mom too, almost like you're trying to assert your independence and find your own individuality.  Sucks, but it's like a rite of passage.

See, you already know its about control.  Like I said, trust your gut.  You are a good Mom Mel, don't ever forget that.

-Dennis-

Mel...

Lots of good advice in this thread. I can only say,  it will get better. Slowly.....but it will get better.

Just remember, in a teen's eyes a parent is clueless. We couldn't possibly know how they feel, we've ALWAYS been adults.  ;)

B

My daughter is turning 16 this month.  We are on the tail end of a complete meltdown.  She had a very hard time dealing with her alcoholic  drug addict manipulative crazy woman mother.  In fact, she got to the point where her head was so messed up that she ran away, wanted to live under a bridge, and basically thought I was the devil.  Plus, she treated my wife like she was garbage.  It was really bad.  I had just about given up all hope of having a real relationship with her.  Getting a hug was a pipe dream, let alone a conversation.  In the end, I gave up and decided to let her move to her mom's house, even though her mom didn't even have rights to visitation.  When I called my lawyer to tell her about my decision, she *reamed* me a new one.  She told me I would never forgive myself and I would never see my daughter again if I gave up.

In my opinion, I thought all boarding schools were the same.  Basically, parking places for kids to get them out of your hair.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I changed my mind and decided to send her to a school I can not afford ($60,000 for one year).  I thought, well it's going to break my heart, so the bank account doesn't matter anyway.  We are broke, but what an AMAZING year.  I am going to have my daughter home again in less than 3 weeks, and she is the sweetest, most loving and appreciative girl I could ever hope for.  This year has been rough, but the results are something I didn't think you could buy.  The school she is in has taught her a lot of things, number one being that I am not a monster, and number two being that her mother needs to take care of her own problems instead of being co-dependent on her daughter.  All of the rest falls neatly into place as long as those two things are sorted out.

My point is this... it's always darkest before the dawn.  Even when you think it's all cooked, things can/do get better.  Hang in there and never ever let her make you think you don't love her.  Be strong.

-Shawn

Flying blind . . . . oh I hear ya.  

I often wonder why there was no "owner's manual" expelled with the placenta.  I REALLY want that.

My best advice (take what you like and leave the rest cuz my kid ain't perfect and neither am I) is to carefully pick your battles.  Is this issue (whatever it is) the hill you want to die on?

I learned to let a lot of things roll off my back because dear teenager was just trying to push my buttons.

And they do come back and get huggy occasionally.  Enjoy those moments when they initiate it.

wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 11:11am:

I always tell people that when I was 18 and out on my own, my old man was completely and utterly f*cked up in the head. By the time I had turned 21 and was married, it was amazing what he had learned in 3 short years.

Brew,
My dad quoted that to me from the time I can remember -- and he was so right -- the older I got the smarter he got. Amazing ain't it? And everytime my son gets in a "jam" I just seem to acquire an enormous amount of wisdom (of course the rest of the time I'm old and senile, but you can't be smart all the time :).

Mel, hang in there -- this too shall pass -- just look forward to the day that your kids have kids -- and get their "payback". Then you just sit back and grin... it's worth everything you're going thru now - trust me on this one... I'm sittin' and grinnin' :-* :-*

Hugs BD

LMAO, just got in the mail today 2 books I ordered.  "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Parenting a Teenager" and "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!" Loving your kid without losing your mind.

I'm going to take what I need and leave the rest, iffin ya know what I mean! ;)

Being a parent has to be one of the hardest things we ever do.  The joys  little ones give us are to make up for the shit they will give us  as teenagers, but as adults they give joy again.

No advice to give except  do what you must  and what you feel is right for you and your family, bugger anyone else.

My eldest (23 to-day) tells me she is glad I was tough enough not to give in to her, and let her hang with the drop outs and bad crowds, and to see her through to carry on with her music , skating  etc etc etc.  I nearly gave in so many times just to get peace  and my sanity back. But her saying thank you years later made it worth it (Ithink) She also says she knows she was a bitch but could not help acting that way and really to this day does not know why she did.

Don't know if you've heard of this yet, Mel, but:

START PRINTPAGEMultimedia File Viewing and Clickable Links are available for Registered Members only!!  You need to or END PRINTPAGE

Seems their brains haven't finished developing yet.  The prefrontal cortex isn't completely online until they reach the age of 25 or so.  Heard about this from an educator we know well.

I made the mistake of talking about this in front of Ellen a couple years ago, and now she uses it as an excuse--"well, you know my prefrontal cortex isn't fully functional...", etc.  

As fiendishly Jesuitical as that kid can be, I suspect that she may be the exception to the rule.   ::)

Best,

George

George wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 3:53pm:

Don't know if you've heard of this yet, Mel, but: START PRINTPAGEMultimedia File Viewing and Clickable Links are available for Registered Members only!!  You need to or END PRINTPAGE Seems their brains haven't finished developing yet.  The prefrontal cortex isn't completely online until they reach the age of 25 or so.  Heard about this from an educator we know well.

In "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind",
Michael J. Bradley the author wrote about that in Chapter 1.  I'm just in the middle of it right now!  What a coinkidink! :)

It's not surprising you know.  I remember feeling like a complete know-it-all and a vegetable at the same time back then myself. :-/

BTW George, thanks for the link!  I printed it off for Jesse since he isn't one to read books, but a few pages won't be too bad for him.

Ah Mel.....I don't envy you this difficult job.

Just one piece of advice....DO NOT let her disrespect you.  My boys were difficult at times but never disrespectful (to my face...LOL).

You're a good Mom who loves here children very much.  That along with patience and good communication will see you through.

Teach here well, Mel.....it will come back to you.

Hang in there, Sweetie.

Much Love,
Jackie

Jackie wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 4:03pm:

My boys were difficult at times but never disrespectful (to my face...LOL).

It's almost a given that they'll trash talk you behind your back. It's called blowin' off steam.

wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 4:06pm:

Jackie wrote on May 27th, 2008 at 4:03pm: My boys were difficult at times but never disrespectful (to my face...LOL). It's almost a given that they'll trash talk you behind your back. It's called blowin' off steam.

All true, Brew.  But...they never swore and yelled or spoke disrespectfully to me like I hear some kids do.  That's what I was trying to relate....

Jackie wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 4:24pm:

wrote on May 27th, 2008 at 4:06pm: Jackie wrote on May 27th, 2008 at 4:03pm: My boys were difficult at times but never disrespectful (to my face...LOL). It's almost a given that they'll trash talk you behind your back. It's called blowin' off steam. All true, Brew.  But...they never swore and yelled or spoke disrespectfully to me like I hear some kids do.  That's what I was trying to relate....

I'm not your son and I wouldn't talk trash to ya....... I'm smart enough to know what would follow.....[smiley=hammer.gif]

;D ;D

I'm very glad to hear you started counseling. You go too so that you can learn some coping stategies.  I could not ask for a sweeter, more compliant  child with Lisa. Her only problems were health issues and we continue to cope. My son Ryan was another issue. He is almost 25. I learned the same things in a professional day workshop about the brain that George was telling you. It explains alot. I also had a psychologist tell me that some kids need to go through this terribly bitter stage to really be able to start seperating from their parents. Ryan is beginning to come back to me but I have also learned through counseling to bite my tongue and watch him fall. Pat mentioned pick your battles. I could have done things so much better with Ryan if I had taken that advice. Enjoy the funtimes. Hang in there! There is no magic answer and I can assure you what worked this time doesn't guarantee it will with Eva.

Charlotte

PS If you want any books pm me your address again. I have a WHOLE library of teen raising books that you're more than welcome to.

I must say, this first book I am reading is FANTASTIC!  It was one of the books recommended on the list Lily's psych gave me.  It explains so much and helps me see everything from a different perspective.  I feel like I can't put the book down, but alas Ava is up and is staring at the puter screen while I try and type with drool running down my arm. ::)

Charlotte- you are too sweet!  I have all I can do to read these 2 with the limited time I have, but I'll keep your offer in mind! ;)

Have I said lately how ya'll are the best family anyone could ever have?

btw, i don;t know how some can type all the time with just one finger...my arm and hand are so cramped! :P

Melissa wrote on May 27^th, 2008 at 8:02pm:

...I try and type with drool running down my arm. ::)

Happens to me all the time. Except there's nobody else sitting in my lap.

O.K. Mel?

I believe Dennis and I have everyone beat in experience with more than one or two kids. Him with 10, me with 7

Listen to him.   He knows where-of he speaks.  The only thing I have to add to this is this:

  Some day.....you are going to be Lilys best friend.  Count on it.  Work towards it.  Pick your battles, buck up... like they say in the military and be preparred for the "I hate yous"  she doesn't mean a word of it.  She'll be testing your resolve.

Linda

Thanks everyone.  Linda, I'm putting the "pick your battles" into effect immediately.  Told Lily to change her bedding last week and when I went to do laudry today, I noticed her bed had no sheets on it at all. ::)  She never sleeps on them anyway, been sleeping on a sleeping bag for what it seems like forever now.  Sleeping bag with one of her throws to cover up with and what it seems like a 100 of those smooshy pillows.  I was thinking about nagging her about it when she got home but now I realize she's got so much on her plate that this is really minor.

I guess the simpler I make it for her, with emphasis on the important things, the easier it's going to be for her to get through these few years of her life.

Now if I can only get Jesse to do the same.  I think that's harder than anything! ;D