It can be tough to be personal here, I can vouche for that.

And it is difficult to really get "meaty" over serious issues in written format, accurately. I try to welcome all points of view. Who knows, things that do not fit now may fit later and vice-versa.

I'd like to acknowledge you for conciously using this forum to vent, so that you may not make a bad situation worse. Nice job! It can be tough to think straight when anger is involved and it sounds like you are actaully doing well to me.

Me and an ex of mine used to fight a lot but one day I realized what I wanted from the arguments was never going to happen. What I wanted was for her to stop and go "oh, what was I thinking? I see what you are saying and you are completly correct! I am SO wrong and you are SO right and I am SO sorry. Let me make it up to you by letting you get everything you want for the rest of the night (or life)".

Of course conciously I knew that would never happen but once the anger kicked in that is really what I was going for and I was prepared to do whatever it took to get it!

My arguing with her was like trying to open a locked door with the same wrong key, over and over again. Totally nuts. Insane.

Now when I start to argue with someone I go "oh, this is probably the wrong key. Let's see if I can find the right one".

I also was able to see that it was not her reactions or the reactions of others that caused me stress - it was mine!

Well, I hope this helped. If not just act like it was never posted.

I hope you can find the right key to all your doors....

karma wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 9:22pm:

And that's pretty sad. It leads to coddling drunk drivers.

Quote:


OH...MAN!!!!!!  Karma, I've got to hand it to you.  You've pissed a whole lot of people off with that comment..  I know...that means nothing to you either and that is fine, but what Brew said is spot-on in Helens venacular.

Quote:


I totally agree with his statement.  True...he didn't kill aszn innocent people, but he could have next time.  Lying would be the ultimate in lack of trust for me too.

go ahead flame on.      Wendy, I am sorry for adding fuel to your fire here.   

Why dont WE all STFU here!

Wendy.....deal with him tomorrow......end of flame thread, no?

Edit to add: Unless you want to keep this going!

Wendy,

Tomorrow would be a much better time to deal with him.  One, you'll be a little more cooled off and two, he'll be sober.   If this has been just a one time incident then maybe there is room for forgiveness.  That being said, drunk driving is very serious.  You should really express that he cannot do that again.  As far as the lying... you have to make up your mind.  Is this bad enough to divorce him over?  Do you want to spend days or weeks angry about it?  Or can you get over it?  It has to be what you feel.

I'll be thinking of you.

Jeannie

karma wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 9:49pm:


I don't want "coddling", in fact I hate it. I hate platitudes, I hate fake sympathy and I hate lying.

I will take your above post as the nearest you are capable of to an apology.

I hope your head is better soon, but I am afraid that is another reason why I feel betrayed by my husband- he knows I need him very much at the moment to help me manage as this is quite a bad cycle and I am afraid supporter excuses about him being "powerless to help me with my CH" and can't handle it won't wash either. All I ask him to do as a slightly larger share of school runs etc.

W

Your very welcome. I used to "teach" anger managment workshops where the state would send people who had been convicted for abusing a loved one.

I do not know you or your motives or your husbands (who really can know others enough to give advice in situations like this?) but I can share my experience.

If you want to head down the road to divorce, the best bet would be to jump all over your man, rub his nose in his shit and *proverbally* back him in a corner then continue to beat him until he either; hits back, lies to get out the situation, or loses all trust in the situation and goes on "auto-pilot".

If you want a truer response try waiting for a bit, then offer somethomg true to him about yourself in this situation (making yourself vulnerable) and sincerly ask him what is going on? Be as general as possible and a good listener and you may find out some things you were perviously un-aware of. If you demand to many specific answers you will be leading the conversation yourself to the answers YOU want to hear, and those may not be the truth or they may mask a deeper problem. Never interupt even if he is wrong - remember the person that is doing the listenting is getting all the knowledge - knowledge is power!

I have seen beating a person into submission work as well, but I think getting them to go where you want under their own power has a much better result. And I assume this is a person you love and want to remain married to and the father of your child.

Again, I hope you can find the right key!

Be Safe! and try to enjoy your PF time - what a silver lining! Woot!

Peace to you.

edited for my great speling

superhawk2300 wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 10:03pm:



I promise I don't do "beating up" I save that for Jonny!

I am actually a very reasonable person and had already planned to try and establish where the hostility was coming from in case it IS more than his guilt talking.

So sad that men are often so childlike in situations like this though- like naughty schoolboys caught in the act and instead of just saying "sorry" and putting it right, they try and lie their way out of it and make it worse.

Ho hum, tomorrow (or today here) is another day as Scarlett said...

W

Helen

Ok I got it Wendy its from an old Cheech and Chong record I have
"bailiff whack his pee pee"  Terry did I make you smile Ü

Ungweliante wrote on Sep 4^th, 2008 at 6:11am:

Not something I'd teach my son to be proud of.

Sounds like things are about as well as tehy can be, so you must be doing all the right things on your end!

Hope things stay as well as they can be for you and improve!!

Peace to you and yours

ClusterChuck wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2008 at 8:19pm:

surprised that only chuck would come to that extreme solution?  nope (lmao)

Many many moons ago I had a prob with Sam getting drunk then wanting to jump on his bike.  Granted he is not a drinker normally, but the very few times he was to that point he was an ass.  One time that sticks out is him trying to take off on his motorcycle.  Whatever did I do you may wonder?!  Well his bike had a seat that needed a key to unlock it and thus get to the battery (which I wanted to unplug) but he had the key, so as he tried to hop on it I ripped and tugged any wires I could get my hands on.  In the midst of this I knocked the bike over onto him!  No broken bones but he sure was feeling the pain and plus he could not start it (thanks to me, hah!)  That was the very last time he tried to drink and drive.

Crazy times happen, it just should never ever be the norm.