You know - it's been harder and harder to come back each time I've had some time away through illness or other shit in my life.

The ugliness, animosity and self righteousness here really sticks in my throat. Being here, somewhere I've considered home for so long, with people I don't just consider friends but my family.. isn't somewhere I want to be anymore. I can't tell you how that is hurting me.

There is a thread on the meds and therapies board from a newbie called Andy about how diet pepsi has helped her. Yes, she used the unforgiveable "cure" word but FFS - is that a hanging offence?

The ugliness and ignorance displayed there is just about the final straw for me after a night spent vomiting and in indescribable stomach pain... although lets face it, stomach pain doesn't count here does it?

After all, we suffer from the "worst pain" man can endure. We are survivors, we are invincible.. or are we all arseholes?

Does it matter who's pain is worse when people are hurting? Does our pain give us the right to inflict even more on others? Do we learn any humility or compassion? Do we ever give a shit about anyone else other than "us"?

Will we ever have a cure? Will we ever DESERVE a cure? I've heard it said so many times that God doesn't give us more than we can endure, well, just maybe, God gives us "lessons" If so, we sure as hell aren't learning much.

We bitch about "meegrainers", we gang up on newbies who aren't trying to sell anything, just bloody well help, we fight amongst ourselves, We drag OUCH into the ground instead of trying to work together. We hold ourselves back at every conceivable opportunity.

When was the last time any of you thought "What can I do?" instead of "What can be done for me?"

It's the absolute opposites here that are so hard to understand.. you all display such love and care for me and yet you (collective) have just treated a newbie like shit just for being enthusiastic and trying to help. Well guess what? I was new once and so were you. Did we know it all? Did we hell as like! If we did we wouldn't have been HERE now would we?

Some of us need to remember what it's like to be new, confused, scared, uneducated and afraid. Some of us need to try thinking of things from a different perspective to the usual pomous arrogance.

Like it, lump it, listen or ignore, the choice is yours.

Flame away, I couldn't care less. Actually, thats a complete LIE. If I didn't care, if I didn't care and love this place with every breath I take I wouldn't be writing this, I'd have just stopped posting and bollocks to everything.

All I know is I have enough REAL shit in my life daily, enough misery, pain and trauma to make me feel like I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I don't need to come here for a further lesson in how horrible man can be.

If you've read this far, thank you for that at least.

Helen