If you are easily offeneded, please don't read anymore.

I have to post this story at least once every 2 years.

This is a true story and it happened to me about 4 years ago. I have only told a handfull of people the tale, but I thought we could all use a good laugh around here, so here goes.

This story comes in 2 parts.

Part 1

A few years ago I had read on the board that the use of Capsapian cream or the cream that sportsmen use for injuries, would help a clusterheadache. I read that if you applied the cream to the side of the headache it would help the pain. 
I ran out and and bought a tube.
A couple of days later I had the chance to test it out. The beast awoke in my head. I opened up the tube and smeared some of the cream to my temple, forehead and jaw area. I got back into bed and waitied for the magic to happen. 
Oh my god, it made it worse if that is possible. In my pain, I used my hand to get the excess cream off my face and I wiped it on the bed sheet on the side of my bed. I kept wiping and wiping.
I ran into the shower to rinse it off, then danced with the beast for the duration. 
End of part one.

Side note. Sometimes in the throes of pain, I forget what I have done.

Part2

(5 days later)

I was getting ready for bed and I felt a little...errr.......tense shall we say. 
Being a chronically single woman, I need help to eerrr....de-stress.
So I went to find my "big man in a drawer" 
I found him. Got into bed. I looked closely at "him" and it had a little feather on the end of it. (My down comforter is a pain). Well I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed again, so I wiped the feather off on the side of my bed sheet. 
So I began to ...errrrr...destress myself.
This unfamiliar sensation began to take over my nether regions. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! 
My Lucy was on FIRE!!!!!!!!
I jumped out of bed as fast as I could, clambered into the shower, turned the cold water, grabbed the shower head and tried to calm the raging flames that were taking over my woomanhood.
Later, I was in my living room trying to figure out what in the hell had just happened. I called my best friend and told her the story in a shakey voice. 
"Karen, someone sabotaged my dildo...whaaaaaaaaaa"
"I think someone must have dipped it in hot sauce whaaaaaaa"
"I'm coming over" she said.
Karen arrived at my house 20 minutes later with a ziplock bag and some cold yogurt. 
We figured it must have been the maintenance men. 
"I'm calling the cops in the morning" said Karen
She ordered me to put the offending object into the ziplock bag. "They might be able to fingerprint it"
The next morning Karen called me and reported she had indeed called the cop shop and asked if  it was possible for a vibrator to be fingerprinted. 
I think they thought it was a prank call.

Well a few days went by, I had already got a lock put on my bedroom door, and Karen still had my "man" in a bag.
I was relaxing watching TV when all of a sudden it dawned on me what I had done. "Oh Shit" 
I called Karen and told her, and we laughed till we cried.
My Lucy has never really been the same   

HaHa   thats as bad as mixing up Vicks Vapo-run and vasaline.

Nobody ever said that you were the brightest bulb in the box,
the sharpest knife in the drawer,
or the loosest Lucy on the earth....oh wait

You ain't right.......

I actually have a funny and very inappropriate story about a massage gone horribly wrong, when the massage oil was found to contain capciacin as the active ingredient.




(It's funny NOW. At the time, it wasn't funny. Not at all!) 

Wintergreen... You're just askin' for it!

This was harmless massage oil. Well... It was MOSTLY harmless! And then it was like: 

Jayne, You need to share that one annually! For those who have heard/read it, it will make you ROTFLYAO every year!!! You could tell it next WEEK and I'd be laughing till the tears come all over again!
I, like George and Chuckles, experienced a similar situation.  Gil had sore muscles, so we got a tube of ....whatever it was that had the icy hot massage cream..........fast forward to years later, I cannot come near him with ANY lotion on my hands when he is...err, in a state of undress !

OMG If he EVER gets on this site!!!
Cathi

Linda_Howell wrote on Dec 24^th, 2008 at 1:40am:

Quote:

SHARE MY ARSE!!!! Don't EVER go SHOPPING with this WOMAN!! 

Now me, I can take about anything (I've raised a teenager - NOTHING gets to me!), but Donna D. refused to admit she even knew either of us in Target and then again in Krogers! She refused FLATLY to go into the liquor store with us!

Imagine going thru the self check out line at Krogers (with two people behind you with NO sense of humor). You put your money in the little slot and your change comes out! Jayne throws the groceries up in the air shouting, "I WON, I WON!!"

Did I mention, I need a new keyboard? The coffee in this one is messing it up totally.... Geezz Jayne I miss you...  you just ain't right....

Hugs BD