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Is the lack of a job the elephant in the room?

Not to be crude... but if he has not gotten it yet... chances are "He ain't gonna get it."... apply for disability or go on welfare or both... if you're sticking around for the financial support... there ain't enough money in the world that warrants staying with such a cold uncaring person IMHO... it does your soul, and emotional well being way to much harm.

I know you haven't asked for advice but... at the risk of being an a$$hole I'll give it anyway... get rid of the jerk... he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve the abuse.

with warm regards,
Tony

Beemonie you made me laugh my ass off. In a nutshell, I think your  the only one who make a parallel. Thanks for making me laugh.I mean LAUGH !!!.

Any how, I literally put the "letter" on his dinner plate and asked him to read it. He did. When he was through he said " so just stay away from you"? Then we slow danced in the living room . Go figure. You men R so damned had to figure out. OK after jeopardy it's talkie time wish me luck.

Deb

Deb, hi  and welcome.

I read this earlier. I re-read it, and read it again, and still struggle with a response.

My husband is one that "doesn't get it" and sometimes I wonder which stresses me more-  the onset of a new cycle or having to deal with his reaction.

I think he finally got a clue how to deal with my ch once he met a bunch of clusterheads (here at my house) and he saw people getting hit and the fact that noone freaked out over it, and we helped each other calmly and caringly.  He'd never BEEN THAT to me, so to see others be supportive, it was foreign and a bit overwhelming for him. Now at least he is not so quick to accuse me of not doing enough to stop the attacks.

I can't say "stay" and things will get better, chances are likely that your fiance will remain one who "doesn't get it" and you'll be facing the same pre-cycle stress I do.

I guess what I want you to know is regardless of whether this guy you're with is supportive or not, you DO have a wonderful support system here, with us.  These people here have pulled me through some tough cycles, new treatments, the depression, the anger, and shared the joy of cycle's end.  And I got through quite well without my partner's help or support.

The only one who can make the relationship call is you. But regardless of where you end up,  you still have all of us, at any time, day or night.

A special prayer for you, my dear new sister- for peace, guidance, strength, understanding, and wisdom.

Welcome.

Jen

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Our monee man sure does have a way with words doesn't he Deb? 

   I wouldn't want him any other way.

Deb,

You said you've been in this relationship for 12 years and you love him dearly and that he loves you. Guess I feel differently than some of the others here.

I've gone thru years of chronic pain (since 97) and have had NO supporters except this bunch here on ch.com. My husband had a massive stroke a few months before I went chronic, so he never understood ANYONE could be suffereing but him. He was verbally abusive if I even showed signs of CH (even to the point of calling and cussing out my neuro a few times - to get me well so I could take care of him). I learned to deal with it. But I had to change my attitude and accept that he wasn't going to support me and that I was on my own with the CH. AFter I did that we got along a lot better. But that's what you do when you love a person - you accept what you can't change.

For eight years before his death, I watched him deterioate and suffer and it hurts to watch someone you love hurt and not be able to do anything about it. Being a supporter is not easy - trust me and it takes some getting used to. Give him some time and have a little patience. You hurt, but he's hurting to watching you hurt.

Don't lose communications ... And when you're not hurting, don't forget to give him a lot of hugs for just being there.

Hugs BD

I am glad you got so many wise ideas from the board here.  There probably isn't alot more I can tell you except make him come here.  This website has been a God send to our family and helps us through some terrible CH cycles... God bless and hope that you find some comfort in what you read here.

love to you
Ree
Supporterer for longer than I will admit!

Hey Deb...

Sorry to hear that the beast is slowly tearing your head open with his vile claws and is pouring salt into the open wound before sewing it back up with a white hot, dull, rusty nail.  Welcome to the asylum.

I have been getting attacks for about as long as I can remember, but I didn't get a Dx until a couple few years ago... My supporter at the time never understood, and never really even tried.  I found this place and finally found out what having supporters was like.  I tried numerous times to convice her to visit the site and talk to other supporters, but that was always met with, "Maybe tomorrow," or "I'm busy," then eventually, "I don't need to talk to your friends." 

We argued constantly about CH, missing time at work, the outtings that would get interrupted, and, of course, the time I spent at CH.com talking to the only ppl I knew who would understand what I was going through.  The last few years that we were together, I figured out it was better for the relationship to just hide my attacks and suffer in silence.  Unfortunately, all it did was make my last years with her a living hell.  We still fought all the time, but at least I didn't have to hear everyday that I should just get over it and stop using CH as a crutch.

She ended up leaving me a few years ago.  Now I'm engaged to a wonderful woman.  She has clusters too, so she more than understands what I go through.  The bad thing is... Having to see someone I love going through the pain of CH breaks my heart every time she gets an attack.  I wish there was a way I could take them away from her, so she wouldn't have to worry about them anymore.  It's bad to experience this pain physically... but it's so much harder to see a loved one living with it.

PFDAN............................................ Azrael's Kiss

Linda...er, thought he was outed a long time ago.. definitely Kenn.. formerly known as Drk Angel.  Lots of clues in his profile if you look.

I don't want to make waves, but I have no problem with you wanting your man to experience the pain for himself, especially after failing to get him to understand any other way.  The point is moot, though, since there's no way to pull off that hat trick.  But it's not about wanting him to feel pain, it's about wanting him to understand what you go through.  (On the flip side, how is kicking him in the tender vittles ok?    )

I have to say that I understand how frustrating this is for you.  My fiance is still going through an adjustment period, too (I just got diagnosed this past October.)  I think they, as supporters, have to go through the same steps of acceptance of this disease as we do, to some extent, and perhaps he is still wavering in the "anger" and "disbelief" departments.

My guy is getting a lot better, and I know he loves me, but we had some rough days a few months ago when he was still learning about CH and trying to define his role in this drama, as well as learning what to expect from me as a partner.  He said some pretty ugly things a few times.    I think you have to evaluate these incidents in light of his overall character and against the other 12 years of his behavior.

And I like what someone said about the elephant in the room...that came up with my guy, too;  you need to have a frank talk with him about all of the non-CH things are are upsetting each of you and get clear on them, because even without CH on your back there are things that can tear a relationship apart.

-Paige