ocnprl
CH.com Junior

Offline

Awakening is true Freedom!
Posts: 53
Indy, IN
Gender:
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First of all, I'm sorry that happened to you. But Everyone suffers in one way or another. We both suffer from the same things "physical and mental," just in different forms. Believe me, I could tell you stories that would make your stomach turn, and at the same time, I'm sure you could do the same. The point here, is not to cause more pain and suffering, it's to try and stop it. You may have done 2 tours, have horrid experiences, nightmares, paranoia, etc. I don't know everything, but believe me, you have my sympathy. I can cry with you, but can't experience what you've gone through or what you are going through. And I have major physical, mental, financial etc. problems as well. Besides physical problems, I've had severe bi-polar/psychosis and acute anxiety almost all my life. Again, we are both suffering mentally as well, basically the same, but brought on by different reasons. I can't experience your level of emotional distraught or experiences/constant nightmares, but I feel for you. And at the same time, you can't understand the level of my emotional distraught or experiences etc.
I've had severe emotional problems my entire life. I was beaten and abused as a child, drugged and raped by my art teacher at 12, put in an institution at 13, put my trust in a Catholic priest while there who could get me out for a weekend under his supervision, and was raped by him as well. Once out, I was so screwed up, my mom wouldn't have anything to do with me so I moved in with my dad. He was an alcoholic/drug addict, and bipolar, was a dentist so he could write his own prescriptions. He would drink a case of beer a day on top of a fifth, pop uppers and stay awake for days and beat the shit out of me several times a week because he didn't like the way I did this or did that, or I got a "B" instead of an "A." He would wake me with a broom stick or bat if he thought I was sleeping too much. etc. etc. Then, after days, he'd pop Quaaludes, Seconal, and other sleeping pills, go into his bedroom and be out literally for days at a time. Not to mention his daily use of Perodans, Percosets, Placydils, Valium, etc. One night he came home drunk and drugged, didn't like the way I was cutting the carrots for a salad, and pulled a knife on me, threatened to kill me. I ran the hell out of the house, went to a friends and never saw him again for years and years. This was my own father! And my mother didn't understand or accept my being abused or my being diagnosed with bipolar while in the nuthouse, so wanted nothing to do with me. And all that was just the first 17 years of my life. Long before clusters or anything else. And these last 25+ years have been worse in some ways. I had so much shit go down in a short time about 2 years ago, I went into hiding, went weeks without a shower, the only time I went out was at 8am when the liquor store opened and bought a couple of cases and fifths to get me by a few days, lock the doors, unplug the phone, no computer and just tried drinking myself to death while popping my daily Oxycontins for pain, clonazepam for stress, Adderall to wake up...and that went on for about a year. Finally, one morning, I was so sick, it was "do" or "die." I "did." It took over 2 weeks of ungodly withdrawals, sweats, shakes, isolation etc. to get that crap out of my system. Then one day, I felt a little stronger, turned on the computer, and saw an old email from a friend I hadn't seen in almost 30 years. I responded, told me my story, gave me sympathy, believed in me, helped me get stronger and gave me a chance. He was tired of the crap, moved to Peru, and started WindAid, building generators for the poor and poverty stricken areas of South America. Then one day, after bitching and complaining so much, he emailed me with a two-liner: "It's time to move forward and leave the past. You have internet access, so I assume you ate today..." He would then, email me stories and pics of people who not only had no electricity, but had nowhere to live, went days or weeks without eating, the ones who had a place to live, lived in 6'x6'x6.5' huts with no running water, no electricity, no toilet, no bed, very sick, the top of the huts were made of crap like plastic etc. and leaked when it rained...but when he went to the coast to check his fish nets (he daily fished to provide food for these people, take them to the village and give out 2 fish per family), these people would smile and be so thankful like there was no tomorrow. That's suffering!!! And what's worse, there are people worse off than them! That was over 6 months ago, and when I decided I was going to help people instead of hurting or doing nothing. You ask me why I don't try O2. I can't even get in to see my damn doctor. I'm in a shit system with no insurance, waiting on disability, need back surgery, carpal tunnel surgery, have a cyst in my brain, still struggling with bipolar and acute anxiety, my clusters are back (but manageable), have little family left, owe over $75,000 I can't pay and going bankrupt, I can't work...and I've got a long road still ahead of me. But I've never been happier. You know why? I quit abusing, i quit dwelling on my past, and I definitely quit thinking about the future. The ONLY way I am surviving right now is by living moment to moment, sometimes second to second if I have to. And, more importantly, I'm doing what I can to help people. Some are worse off, many have it better. I still have all my disabilities, but the only thing keeping me going is to focus on helping others. That's why I stuck with WindAid, doing things for other people, and when my clusters started again, I looked up on anything new, found this site, read posts by chronics etc. and realized mine aren't nearly as bad as others. That's when I talked more with Chuck, and contacted Angela about a possible story on Fox to help put a stop to this shit. And unfortunately, I worded the post the wrong way and people got bent out of shape. I apologized, accepted it, and went on. My point is, we have all suffered and/or are suffering, but there will always be someone worse off than us. As much shit as I've been through, am going through, and will have to go through, I'd still rather have all that to deal with than be homeless and starving with completely nothing. Again, I can only deal with shit sometimes second to second, but I'm trying to stay focused and deal with everything the best I can. And I know people have had it worse, or still have it worse than I have or ever will. That's why O2 is not one of my top priorities right now. Not stop this crap, go back to my post, and start listing some stuff I can use to send into Fox, alright!
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