Quote:

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Your story, Barb, is one of the bigger reasons I stay out of churches.

BarbaraD wrote on Aug 31^st, 2009 at 8:19am:



When my girlfriend was diagnosed with cervical cancer at age 31 (more than 10 years ago now), nobody thought anything of it, I mean, it's a very treatable disease.  Well Deb didn't have the good fortune of having the easily treatable kind - after intense radiation therapy, and lots of work on her part, she was declared cancer free in May after being diagnosed in Jan of the same year.  I went over to her house after her and husband got home from a celebratory trip to Jamaica, and she was having a bit of trouble - she kept getting this pain in her ribs every time she coughed or laughed;  I kept harassing her that she needed to go see the doc, I was too damn paranoid to let her take any chances.  She had 3 tumors in her lungs.  Never did smoke.  They had missed a dye shot on the lymph nodes.  By October of the same year they had given up her chemo, she had a 4th tumor, and they gave her 4 weeks to live.  Her and I watched the Gray cup together, and I brought her a cherry pie (it was a memory not a pie); When November rolled around, the docs were stunned she was still hanging on and apparently quite healthy, considering her diagnosis and prognosis. She told me she was going to have one last Christmas with her two children, ages 5 and 9.  She never went to the hospital, electing to stay at home and be treated, while taking care of her kids. 

One day we were talking, as we always did, about the normal things we had always talked about pre cancer diagnosis and death sentence, and she said to me "Cathy, you are the only friend left - everyone else has stopped coming by.  No one else calls anymore." I was dumbfounded, and I asked her what was going on, what was the expectation - she looked me square in the eyes and said "They expect I'm going to die."  Oh.  Well.  There it is.  We carried on talking about the hockey game. 

People aren't uncomfortable being around someone who is dying; they aren't even uncomfortable being around someone with cancer;  They are uncomfortable being around someone who has been told they are dying, who has cancer, and who has chosen to carry on LIVING.

For all the hours Deb and I spent together in that last year, from the first diagnosis in Jan, to her death December 26th - yes she had one last Christmas with her kids - the biggest lesson I ever learned came from Deb and our time together.  I've never been so humbled by anyone as her;  She taught me about LIFE and LIVING.

Next time Barb, tackle the idiot and tickle him until he is laughing to the point of tears.  Teach the idiots that it's about LIFE, and LIVING, not death.  That moron is more dead right this moment than your friend is, or will be.  As long as there is laughter and breath, there is life; a story about what will come to pass, and what medical condition you have does not define life.

These kinds of stories, and the people who behave this way, really hit a nerve with me.

Cat

BarbaraD wrote on Aug 31^st, 2009 at 8:19am:


Had EXACTLY the same experience during my Mom's last days. He was the unofficial church rep. Fortunately at the same time the Hospice Minister was there...name of Rosie...and while I can't say she made dying fun...she sure as hell made celebrating the life what it truly should be.

During his visit, I watched Mom and Rosie out the corner of my eye...and I had to surpress giggles the whole time. They were winking at each other, making funny faces, rolling eyes..it was a hoot and a half. We all laughed about it for days after....

You're a good friend Barb...just the simply being there is the best gift of all (so many don't understand that), and to have some laughs at the same time...
oh my!!!!

Best,

Jon

My mom was 59 years old when she died.  She died of uterine cancer that metastasized all over her body.

The night before she died she had a roomful of friends in her hospital room (including several of our friends who loved her like their own mother).  We stood around and laughed and joked and giggled and generally had a great deal of fun.  Mom was in the thick of it on her hospital bed and she gave as good as she got.  It's one of my fondest memories of both her and my friends.  That they would give her the gift of joy and laughter just before death, and that she would embrace it so wholly is truly a blessing.  That was 24 years ago yesterday.

I was with my father when he died in my home.  It was peaceful and serene, and he said the things he wanted to say and so did we - his death was a blessing to all of us.

We ALL die.  It's one of the very few things that ties us all together.  It's how we approach it, how we manage it, and how we embrace it that sets us apart. 

The only death I've had serious trouble with was a friend's son who was found dead of a stroke in his dorm room at the age of 22.  I could find nothing to celebrate about that - he was too young, it was too soon, and it tore his family apart.

Rant on Jerry. 

Callico wrote on Aug 31^st, 2009 at 5:04pm:

Couldn't agree with you more, Jerry. But it seems as though churches have a higher ratio of these types than the population at large. At least in my experience.

Brew wrote on Aug 31^st, 2009 at 6:36pm:


Jesus agrees with you Brew.  Those who know scripture better than I could find the reference.


This situation reminded me of a story.  It was my friend who lost her dad due to a car accident.  He died at the scene and noone was prepared for it.  A bunch of her friends (including me) showed up at the visitation and funeral.  At visitation, we were cracking jokes and trying to help her cope.  At one point I stopped because I was afraid her mom would get upset.  We stayed at their house and the next morning her mother, a family friend, and I were the only ones awake.  Her mom told me that during the visitation she heard a bunch of people laughing and that it made her smile thinking that her husband would have wanted it that way.

Anyway, you should have grabbed his butt and if that didn't fix him, you should have tickled him until he peed........ now that would not only be fun for all, but a story to remember!

Callico wrote on Aug 31^st, 2009 at 5:04pm:


Aint no rant Jerry...you continue to inspire me...thanks brother!

Best,

Jon

Callico wrote on Aug 31^st, 2009 at 5:04pm:


um, what? That makes no sense to me.

My mom suffered horribly, but that didn't stop me from keeping her spirits up when she was aware.  I even took her for a drive 3 days before she passed, (O2 in the back with her wearing the nose cannulas in the front) past all the places she had memories of.  It was 8:30 in the evening, but she wanted to go.  I won't forget that car ride.

Mom also loved the little Dove chocolates and the sayings in the wrappers.  She'd eat them every day.  You should have seen the wrapper pile on the kitchen table!

I will say, I did rant and cry out when mom was having one of her spells (completely out of it from the end days of the cancer), but when she was coherent, I was on my best behavior acting as upbeat and silly as possible while taking care of her.

There is a time to be serious and sorrowful, and there is a time to be positive because THEY need you to be.  I just think of what I would want it to be like if it were ME in their place.

Wow...memories there that I haven't felt, or thought about, for a very long time.  Going off to have a little cry and then on with my day.

Barb, very glad to know you are keeping your friends spirits up.  Don't pay that man more attention than he's worth, save it for more important things. *hugs*

JeffB wrote on Sep 1^st, 2009 at 12:44am:

seaworthy wrote on Sep 1^st, 2009 at 12:41pm:

There IS that.