Iago
CH.com Newbie
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I Love CH.com!
Posts: 4
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I am going to suggest that all of you take something that you appear to be only able to give: advice. And I am going to try to do so in as constructive a fashion as possible.
This is supposed to be as forum to support cluster headache suffers. Support is a multifaceted term which may include giving advice, but it is NOT synonymous with the word advice. Support includes propping people up. Support includes providing comfort. Support includes giving a kind word. Support includes giving sympathy. Most importantly, support includes LISTENING to determine what a person really needs. In print, of course, listening is somewhat metaphorical, but by reading attentively and putting some thought into what a person has typed you have to make your best determination what they are asking for. Sometimes, of course you do need to read "between the lines," but even so you must exercise caution. You may be reading your own experiences into something that are quite different than what the poster intended.
The biggest problem with asking for support is that the most basic human desire is to give advice. We would rather let people starve sometimes as long as we can offer our opinion to them on why they are starving. I found it ironic that one of the moderators actually quoted my comment that I was not looking for advice and then told me "then why are you here?" Think about that for a minute. People actually have the gall to claim that I am a know-it-all, which I am not. (I am just having to defend myself, which I never wanted to have to do, and I apologize for that. ) However, I am being told that unless I am coming here for advice, I should never have come at all. If this is not really a support forum, but rather only a forum where you give advice, then that would make YOU the know-it-alls! But while a person may have never visited the forums before, that does not mean that they have no experience to contribute.
I know that part of the reason why the incessant advice-giving bothers me is that of course I have been guilty of doing the same thing in the past, but I have tried to improve that personal fault. It is true that we are always bothered by things of which we are personally guilty. But being in the middle of a cluster cycle also means two things: one, that people are giving me incessant advice right now; and two, that I am extraordinarily irritable right now (something that a cluster headache site of all places should understand!)
Of course, an apt word of advice given at the right time can be a life-saver; I know that you all do have a wealth of experience, and I am not belittling that. When I do want some specific suggestions and advice I will ask for it, because I am sure that you can offer some great ideas. But I will not do so without posting a very detailed medical history, because you all keep making assumptions that are not helpful. (For example, I have tried oxygen more recently, and no it still does not work, and no, given a choice between having to abort eight headaches a day for four or more months or simply finding the right combo of prophylactics that will stop ALL of the headaches within a week or two, I will pick the latter!) So again, yes I do understand that you all have a great deal of experience, and I do appreciate that. But you need to know someone's history to offer constructive help.
However, that raises one other major piece of advice that I have to offer that I am going to try to put as gently as possible. I am not belittling your experience despite the fact that you keep belittling mine, sometimes quite rudely. That is the single most common problem with all internet "communities," and while I had hoped yours would be different, clearly it is not. So here is something that I hope that you take to heart, because your mission is too important: never, NEVER assume that just because someone has not previously posted in your forums that they are so-called "newbies."
I hate that term and all internet jargon in general, and that is the ONLY damned reason why I made the point that I have had the headaches for twenty-eight years: not because I am a know-it-all, or more experienced than anyone else, but because I wanted you to know that I am not a first-time sufferer (without using the stupid word "newbie.") You do not have clusters for three decades without having been through a thing or two. But it is an unwritten rule that if you are posting for the first time to any internet community, everyone there will treat you like you have no idea what you are talking about. (If someone posted to a diabetes support site for the first time and said that they had diabetes for thirty years, they would probably get a hundred replies asking if they had tried insulin yet.)
You will probably not see it this way, but I am offering you an outsider's perspective, and you can take it or reject it as you will. I have reread all of the replies on this thread, and while of course there are many kind words and sympathy, if you look at the attempts to offer advice there is an occasional tone of superiority and condescension -- some of it really insulting. It is really no different than how an outsider would be treated on any other forums such as the AVS forums (which despite being an ardent audiophile I hate with a passion.) I do not think it is intentional snubbing; it is just the nature of the internet. But it is unfortunate in this case, given your mission.
To sum up, I posted here last night because I was hitting a twenty-eight year low. I had never posted on this forums before, but I made it clear in my post that I was a veteran sufferer, not looking for advice or suggestions, not even sure why I was posting, maybe just to vent.
Clearly, given that limited information, the best thing to do would have been to offered some words of support. (Thanks to those who did!) The statement about not wanting advice should have raised warning flags. All that you needed to do was tell me that you were there if I needed you. Tell me that you understood. Tell me that I could vent here anytime if it helps. Ask me what I needed. (Whoa -- there is a concept -- asking questions!) For those who clearly, clearly cannot take two breaths without offering advice, here is a suggestion for how to do it with someone who has specifically asked you not to give it: "We are here to help you any way that we can. If you need anything, let us know. It sounds like you've been around the block, but if you want to talk brainstorm treatments with any of us just let us know. We've been around the block too!"
How has my experience been so far? Not like that. While there have been many kind words, it only takes the handful of unkind ones to wipe them out. The sum total is that I feel worse for having posted here, and I hate feeling like I have to defend myself to a support site. (Now there is the definition of irony!)
So while I thank those who have offered support and respected my wishes, I will have to leave here for now due to those who may have good intentions, but continue to treat me with a complete lack of respect. I feel bad enough as it is. I would trade all of the good intentions in the world for someone who will actually listen and pay attention. Intentions do not make people feel better -- actions do.
I genuinely hope that you give consideration to my suggestions and that you improve your forums for the sake of all who visit, and I hope that all of you who are currently suffering get relief as soon as possible, and may they never come back for the rest of you! I wish you all the best and will keep all of you in my prayers.
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