Heavy Metal
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I Love CH.com!
Posts: 13
Inwood, IA
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Howdy
Names Perry and ive been dealing with these monstrosities since i was in jr high. At first I thought they were really bad headaches, then I noticed they always happened at certin times of the day in my cycles... almost to the point you could set your watch to it and even that young I knew a "Normal" headache never acted like that. I was actually lucky enough to be properly diagnosed very eirly on but ignorant and had no clue what to do about it, not much on the money end either. I was told there was no cure and not much of a treatment, so in my mind I was screwed. My parents... my dad new i was in pain and it bothered him, he also knew he didnt fully understand just how much pain, i know he didnt like seeing me like that. My mom... she knew... she would watch me pace a circle in the kitchen for an hour or more, but she knew the only thing she could do it stay outta my way and leave me alone. Dad, being the religious person he is, would always want to pray for me... now dont get me wrong, Im a christian too. Me and god did alot of talking during my cycles... well.. mostly me begging and pleading thru tears for him to make it end. but the last thing I wanted at that moment was for anyone to be touching me, let alone talking to me with bright lights on all over. i know he wanted to help.
Learning to deal with these things has been an adventure, when I describe what I do to alieviate myself from even SOME of the pain and only for a few moments, they would look at me like, "are you insane? or did you leave your brains behind on that wall you were smashing it against?" I would then usually ask them what they think I should be doin to deal with it. Most give me the standard migrane remedy or some other "headache" remedy... I just shake my head and tell them as best I can, without gettin too pissed, what its like. To me its similar to an ice cream headache amped up to sometimes what feels like 10 times that without the nice cold feel, shoved behind my eye and left there for up to an hour or two, and then it all ends like someone flippin a switch so you gotta run for the john or have a bucket handy cause your heads spinnin like it just got off the Tilt'a'Whirl. I would sudgest a bucket, runnin while your heads spinnin can be dangerous. Not to mention haveing to deal with them 8 or 9 times a day, with them lasting up to and sometimes over and hour long, at the PEAK of your cycle, which can last as long as 2 months or so at its worst... at least I think thats its worst... your exausted.. cause you dont sleep, cause they come for you when you sleep... Now try your migrane remedy out on that and we'll see how long it takes for you to want to crawl outta your skin just to get away. And its usually at that point I have to walk away or risk gettin angrier about it. I know its not so much cause they dont understand, but because I cant make them understand. And its frustrating cause all I wanted was for SOMEONE, ANYONE to understand. God I felt so alone.
I thought about suicide quite a few times, tried a couple times... well, i'm still here. I've got various different methods of coping with them, and up till this point thats moslty what ive done... cope. No meds, other than the asprin or ibuprofen i would eat like candy, that did absolutly no flippin good. I experimented with weed and found for the frist couple years it actually dulled the pain, but that kinda peeterd out and doesnt work quite like that anymore. Other than that, its bang your head on a wall, a doorknob, hit it with a hammer, or your fists.. I read in someone elses post he locks his fingers behind his neck and squeese his head between his arms like a vice, I do that one too.. another one i do is to grab that nerve or whatever it was in my neck and squeese like hell, and as long as I held it, it was like pinching off a garden hose... no pain behind my eye. But as soon as I let go, BLAM. I ended up doing somethin cause it changed the nature of my headaches since, now i feel them in my neck just as painfull sometimes. The muscles in my back and neck tighten first, then comes the tingly across the top of my head at which point im lookin for a place to hide. Then a dull muscle ache in my neck, and then the headache starts.
So many things have changed over my 20 years of this off and on nightmare, my cycles have gone from 2 months on and 6 months off, Running that way for YEARS, to 2 months on 8 months off and then 10, then a year and a half, then two then 3 then 5... I've been typing this post since 3 AM, its now 6:36. Im in the middle of my newest nightly cycle, and they are the worst they have ever been dispite the fact its been so long I was about to celebrate their dissapearance for good... My new wife, Tarijo, got a crash course on cluster headaches a few weeks ago, when I went from crushings cars, dissasembling engines and being a general pain in her butt, to pacing, rocking, punching myself in the head while crying, screaming, grunting..... ect.. ect.. She is the ONLY one i have EVER allowed to touch me during my episodes. I love her so much for being there for me.
I honestly have to say up to this point, I thought I was alone out here in hellsville. She pointed this place out to me, but I wasnt interested at first... I mean, what the hell could these people possable know about what I dealing with. And then I read a few of the posts and get chills from the frist few I read. As my heart starts doing loopty loops around my arse, it becomes pretty hard to contain myself, when I read posts that seem like they were taken from MY life. Ive been dealin with this by myself for the last 20 some years... Im tired.
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