So, I started a new job 2 months ago
...and of course,
I forget all about the devil
, since my last one had been waaaay back in September. And I'm sitting in an important series of back to back meetings, and suddenly I feel an old friend tugging at my brain. What a nightmare...
Having the attack was bad enough...full blown wanna rip your eye out with a bullet, brain burning, eyelid red and swollen. But then, I had to "come out". Since I feel like a freak anyway with this thing...my friends finally sort of get it since in the past I've had to leave dinner parties, bars, movie night...I felt humiliated and ashamed. Plus, fearful of losing this job. I just turned 60 (look 45 thank you very much! LOL) and there aren't many more opportunities to restart a career, especially in this economy, now here in South Florida.
After 10 years of hell...two to three months at a time, sometimes twice a year, after 10 months free, I'm now in a once or twice a day cycle. How do you tell a new boss that, "sorry, I'll likely be incapacitated for an hour or so, perhaps twice a day, but don't worry, it won't affect my productivity." It was easier coming out as gay...that was nothing...than talking about this monster.
You know they think you're a sissy, or crazy, "yeah, my sister used to get migraines when she was younger. She used to go into a dark room and take Vanquish." They can't understand.
And now, I've also discovered the second worst place to have an attack...sitting on the beach in the hot Florida sunshine: the noise of the surf, the heat, the sun, children screaming, warm ocean water no relief...trapped because you can't drive, no shade, no ice pack, no cool towel to wrap your head in...NO IMITREX (well, I've since learned that it goes aong my beach towel, because it's happened twice now. If I do a nasal spray in the first two minutes, I can almost fully abort. If I miss the window, I've wasted my ten bucks and reduced my arsenal while I wait for insurance to decide to grant me more...like it's a gift.)
I know I'm rambling, because I can think clearly now and just need to talk. Just saw a whole bunch of YouTube videos of attacks... I cried. My partner had to turn away, because it was like watching me on screen. Scary to see yourself in someone else, the same head banging, the grunting and moaning, gasping for air, leg shaking, the same towel/icepack. I was transfixed.
Sorry to go on, I'll go now...I'll probably be here more often now that I'm in cycle. Hope you're all doing fine...and thank you for being here.
Jay