This time around I've found that my patience is slowly running down. Aguess regular HAs, dealing with Asta storm aftershock and now ch has done that.

But, as relatives, family friends and my mother are asking bit too personal questions, I'm finding it harder and harder to keep my cool. This has been one challenging year to keep my optimism going!

It all begun this February, when I went to see a new gynecologist for a regular check-up. She looked at my age and told me to get pregnant, because "in your age you'd keep the baby".
Little shocking, after all she didn't ask me if I was in a relationship or even wanted children...

Well, give a little time and my 25-year-old cousin announces her pregnancy. Few weeks more and another cousin lets us know that he and his new wife are having a baby. My mother is a godmother to both of these my cousins, which means that mom's grandmother fever has been rising ever since.

Now pretty much every time I see my mother (almost weekly, she lives 6 minutes away), she points out that we should be having children as well. It doesn't really matter that I've told her many times that I know that it can be harder at 30 and getting harder by the year, but we have a plan: living together first, then getting married, and then we'll have children. And not before that.

This year also my cousin's other godmother (not a relative) nearly interrogated me and Esa at my cousin's wedding about not being married. At our housewarming, my godmother asked me when "we will begin to design a wedding dress for you" and Esa's aunt asked him if the party is "secretly an engagement party and when's the wedding". The same aunt asked me "when are you two going to have kids?".

And I'm thinking, what kind of conspiracy is this? Nobody asked me anything like that in my former relationship. Nobody has been asking me about having kids or pushing to get pregnant before.

I do admit it: I'd be more than ready for both, but there's two of us, and both need to be on the same page. It's kind of funny that I'm the one getting the questions and pressure, when it's not really up to me...  

So, what can I say to these people? How can I be kind and get the message heard?

Lots of parents and couples in here, do tell me.

Sanna

I put up with that shit for ten years after we were married.  I got poked in the stomach by most of Brew's relatives asking if I had "a bun in the oven yet?"   

Quite frankly, it's nobody's business but yours.

Unfortunately, NOTHING keeps them away and nothing shuts their mouths.  I just developed a thick skin and told them it was none of their business.

Ok Sandie...here's a response for your mother-in-law, but don't know if I'd have the guts to say it.  But if you REALLY want to get her shut-up here goes, and it's not for the weak of heart:

Mother-in Law: "So when are you and "Johnny" going to have kids?"

Long blank stare until she is uncomfortable

You:  As soon as I can direct some sperm to my eggs.  Trouble is it just tastes too damn good.  Yes you raised quite a stud.  Probably as soon as your son gets over his fettish for “back door lovin” if you know what I mean.  How many times did you and "George" (her husband) have wild sex last month?"

Mother-In-Law: {astonished gasp}

You: "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were asking inappropriate personal questions."

Good Luck Sweetie 


P.S. This isn't my twisted sense of humor..found some of these quotes on the internet when looking up "quick comebacks to inappropriate questions"...still think they're a hoot   

Linda_Howell wrote on Sep 22^nd, 2010 at 11:15am:



I'm sorry, but HAHAHAHAHA!

I mean, geez, I'm 'only' on my 3rd, but I've been getting similar lines.  Mostly 'you DO know how babies are made?' and 'Was he an accident?' 

Was there a rule on family size that I wasn't aware of?  'Thou shall not have more than 2 children?'


As for Sandie, I hear you...
I got married at 22 years old and kids didn't even enter on my radar until I hit 30 then not only did I want a baby, I wanted a baby NOW. 

You'll know when the time is right, and, geez, women are having babies into their 40s now, you have plenty of time. 

People are going to be people no matter what you do...

Hang in there and keep your sense of humor!!!!

Tell them you been folding it over so the squirt end sticks out.

              Potter

Potter wrote on Sep 22^nd, 2010 at 12:54pm:

Reminds me of a poem I read many years ago on a bathroom wall. 

There was a young man from Kent
whose thing was so long it bent
to avoid trouble
he put it in double
and instead of cuming, went.

Sanna, I think it is a right of passage for every young woman that has a mother.

Chin up sweetie, it won't go away, so you might as well grin and bear it.

*hugs*

To Joe's point, I was so pissed when I heard my mom was telling people something was wrong with him. We were purposely trying to wait, although apparently not trying diligently enough because we were soon pregnant (maybe she cursed us).

Anyway, it is a personal decison to have children and when. Plus it is also very insensitive to ask those questions because a couple could be experiencing infertility problems and a comment like that could just cause pain.

I guess if I were 25 again getting that question I might say - "why would you ask such a personal question?" or, "Why, do you know something I don't?"

Just let them know that you and your honey are practicing every moment that you can and when you get it perfect, viola, a baby will magically appear.

I've been laughing out loud so much now that my stomach hurts. Thank you!

I have said to my mother that she will be the first to know after we decide to get engaged/married/have children. And I did joke couple months ago, that she should be monitoring her phone, because I will call/text her about five minutes before I'll post the news in here and at facebook.

I read that one woman of my age got so tired about replying to "are you pregnant" questions and people touching her stomach while asking that question that she said "no, are you?" and touched the other person's stomach without caring about the person's gender. I'll consider doing the very same when/if that will happen to me.

Dennis, I've been thinking about what you mentioned about my ex. When we were still together, nobody mentioned anything negative about him. My mom did dislike him in the end, though. When we broke up, a friend of mine made a list of what were wrong about my ex, and it hurt a bit that she didn't tell me sooner. I have noticed that people are now telling me clearly how much they like my partner now, and it feels great. It also reveals that aguess my ex wasn't that popular with my relatives and friends, but nobody dared to tell me...

I have to say that my "mother-in-law" has been wonderful - she has never asked us anything too personal. If she has asked Esa when it's been just them, I don't know about that, but knowing him, he'd tell me. She already has hands full with her granddaughter, so we are nicely left alone.

Early this year I was discussing children with my colleagues. We were wondering out loud that when will the pressure stop? When you meet someone, people ask about living together, then engagement, then wedding, then children. And when you have a baby, you must have another one. During that lunch break we came to the conclusion that probably third child is the limit, after that people begin to ask you about being Catholic, Mormon or, in here, Laestadian.

The thing is, that I do know that there isn't one "perfect" way, but each couple have their perfect way, which others should respect. Right now what gets to me is the hard facts, the reason, which tells me that at 30, fertility goes down and that scares me. So I am trying to find the balance between our plan and biology, and live with the consequences that come from it.

I know people who have been through hell in their road to parenthood, so I would never ever ask anyone if they're planning to have children or when they are going have children. You can never know what is going on; they might have tried and found out that it's impossible or have been trying for a long time or experienced miscarriage.

Sanna 

Sandie, I'm sorry, I should have read you post more closely.  I thought you had a "mother-in-law" problem.  That's my knee-jerk reaction because I've "been there, done that, and designed the tee shirt".  I've been with my high school sweetie for 30 years, with the first 13 playing defense against an agressive offense trying to destroy us (long story for another time).  However, things are much better now, and I think she finally realizes she should be thanking God for her unanswered prayer.

Anyway, you will know when the time is right (our first one was planned to the day) and if it happens when the time isn't right (our second was a "surprise") you'll love them both equally and just as much.  Our surprise baby came at a time when things were really rough, but that was God's plan.  He was exactly what we needed and the greatest gift (along with our first) that we ever received.  And don't let anyone tell you he/she was an accident.  I remember hearing "An accident is something if you had to do over again you wouldn't, a surprise is something you didn't know how badly you wanted until you got it"

And one more piece of unsolicited advice then I'm done.  When you are blessed with a child, believe it when people tell you how quickly the time flies by and cherish every moment.  What I wouldn't give to be going through "baby stuff" again.  I just took my "surprise baby" to college and right now my heart is breaking. 

Blessings and well wishes to you.

his wife wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2010 at 1:06pm:

No need to worry or say you're sorry. My situation is worse: it's my mother...

I liked a lot what you wrote about children. I went for a walk with a friend of mine and her sister's baby. That little boy came into the world as a planned surprise; illness forced his parents to have him earlier - they knew that if they didn't have a baby when they did, that might be their last chance. So, being younger than they hoped to be, they jumped at the chance and the result is one happy, easy and adorable boy.

It would be interesting to listen when Linda & Dennis swap notes...

Actually, that line "Do you know something that I don't?" is something I could see myself using in future, with a light, jokey tone.

It's been a rough day. Re-reading these post brought smile back to my face. I needed that.

Thank you all, once again.

Sanna