Most of you know I have SUNCT not CH and my pain is constant only changing in intensity.
So first cycle started like 8 years ago lasted a year second one after a year break lasted 2 years and now I just passed the 2.5 year mark and it is still going strong. Finally found a new medication to try and it seemed like it was really helping but now it is making me very sick and I have to stop taking it and it is like getting hit below the belt, yet again. I have an incredible woman in my life who I am going to Mary April 28th 2013 would be sooner but the cost is so high we need time to save for it so we are not paying for it forever on plastic, I have a great job, nice toys and although we rent it is a very nice house but with all that I still cannot feel that happy because of the pain I feel from when I open my eyes in the morning until I close them at night. The saying “money can’t buy you happiness” is so true, I would trade all I have to be healthy and pain free. Nancy is not only the love of my life but my lifeline as well, I am scared at the dark place I know I would go if I did not have her love right now. Whenever I hear of someone who has passed away I cannot help but be a bit envious of them because I know they no longer feel pain, is it wrong to think this way, I know it is scary to think this way but not sure if it is wrong like it matters. I am just so tired of feeling like every day is a battle just to get to the end of it and wondering when and if this cycle will ever end and wondering if my strength will one day give out and I will give in to the dark and let it take me even if that means causing other more pain than I am now willing to cause them right now. I had one of my worse attacks on the 18th could not even get out of the bed until noon and only made it to the couch, the pain was so intense I was in tears and the pain medication did not help at all at least not with the amount I was willing to take, pretty sure I would have come close to an OD if I took enough to help and would not go that far, maybe I am still recovering from that hit and that’s why I am feeling so dark right now but it just seems the dark thoughts are coming more often and it is getting harder to keep them out of my mind these days. Sorry about the long dark thread guys just needed to get this out right now to people that can relate or at least understand why I would feel this way. Thanks for being here for me and if any of you feel like this is an opening to toss a cheap shot at me I beg you to not do it.

Thanks potter, I remind myself often that it could be worse and so many people out there are far worse off and would trade with me in a heartbeat.

BigMatt, I wish I could do more... but I will continue to do the only thing that I am capable of doing for you.. I will continue to Pray for you.... Be Blessed.

Luv & Hugs

Lady Luv

Matt - I agree with Guiseppi here - it may be worth your while to seek help.  Lots of us have been in that "dark place" and it's not always possible to get out of it on  your own.

Hang in there, friend.  We are all here for you.

I have chronic ch.  I get hit 8x a day every day.  Each lasting 1 1/2 hours long with shadows in between.  So basically Im in a 10 for pain for 16 hours every day.  I lived like this for a long time before I found relief.  I was constantly in that very dark place.  I went to a therapist and was put on an antidepressant that worked wonders and I went to a chronic pain group to help me deal with the pain.  I would recomend you start seeking outside help with dealing with this.  It is sometimes to much to bear alone without help.  I will be praying for you for relief.  Anytime you need us we are here.

Matt, am so happy that you have Nancy in your life. Agree with the others, that it might be good to have someone to talk to. Does your work have an 'Employee Assistance Program" (EAP) they often have some good short term counselers that can do some assessments and get you into the right program for you.

Meanwhile, you and Nancy keep posting with us, we're your extended family.

I just wanna 2nd Joe's suggestion and give you a big !

love,
mel

matt, keep on talking to us here o.k.?

We are your soft place to fall and a huge deal better than trying to do it on your own.

Sounds not fun. 

My only advice is to come here a lot and rant away. It's probably as good as seeing a therapist.

Don't let anybody tell you that it's not okay to be depressed though.

Let us hear from you soon....now would be good.

Charlie

Matt You might want to try an herbal to help with the anxiety/stress.  Tranquil (contains Humulus Lupulus and Valeriana Officinalis aka Hops Extract and Valerian root extract) It has helped me with added stress and may help you too.

You can find it at a Price Chopper if you have one near you or probably any other Grocery store.  It is non-addictive also if taken before bed may help avoid a CH hit or two.  Check with Dr for adverse reactions with medications 1st though.

Keep your chin up Matt!!