Dear family,

I need your help. I'm stuck in a feeling I have not been able to think, meditate, talk nor write myself out of. Usually one of those methods work like a charm.

Here's the thing. A friend of mine is getting married later this month. This Saturday is her Bacherlorette Party. I'm part of the group of women who gets to attend the party. Now I do not wish to attend it.

Back in March, many of the same women who are now planning and attending this Bachelorette Party insisted on creating one for me. They figured it out 6 days before the party they hosted for me. I told them with a firm tone that I don't want to have a Bacherlorette Party. They didn't listen nor respect my wishes.

I wish they had. My party was a little nightmare for me. That party took place on Monday night, from 6pm to 9pm. They told me to wear comfy outfit and do not eat dinner in advance because "we'll take you somewhere nice". Well, we went bowling first (interesting enough, that was MY idea). There a friend of mine offered everyone candy - which I quit eating in 2004. After bowling I noticed that some of my friends were reluctant to do anything else. I, for one, was starving, so I asked if we please could go somewhere to eat - like I was promised.

I noticed that my friends did not have a plan at all. We were at a mall, which is full of coffee houses and restaurants, but they simply rejected each and every we came across. After a while I pointed out that there was one cafe nearby, and we went there and I got something to eat - a dry tuna sandwich (which they picked out because it was the shape of a heart) and ice tea. A far cry from that "nice meal" I was promised.

We sat down and I tried my best to eat, which was difficult, because a friend of mine kept on asking questions - she had prepared a test for me, "Sanna's Pre- Marriage Test". It was uncomfortable to say at least. But after the test was done and my sandwich was finished, the same pal who is now planning the other pal's party just couldn't wait to get out and call it a night.

I left for home feeling sad, dissapointed and slightly humiliated: is this really how little I matter to my friends? Do they really know this little about me? Why did they arrange this party, when it was obvious that they didn't do it properly and some of them wanted to be somewhere else?

Now when I think of that Monday, I feel the very same feelings. The pain and wound are too fresh and raw. My wedding week was supposed to be wonderful time, yet even now that party is taking part of the greatness away from that special time. And now my friend's Bachelorette Party is opening that wound and it's bleeding.

This week's Bachelorette Party has been in the making for weeks. There has been about zillion emails and countless meetings. She's getting a whole day with two tests, baking, a picnic, a proper meal at an expensive restaurant, tour at an aquarium, time at local amusement park, movie, making ark work, champagne, night at the bar and they're still planning more. They do worry if the party will be "just like her". Well, that was not the issue in mine.

The difference between these two parties is clear as a day: mine was just an evening with pals, hers is a whole day. Mine was planned in a hurry, hers is detailed to perfection.

I want to get over these feelings. I want to be able to enjoy the day for my friend. But to be honest, for someone who has suffered her whole life with the very same, painful issue: am I good enough, do I matter? This is just another example that I do not, that I'm not important and it hurts like hell in emotional scale.

I've reached a point in which I wish I'd still be in cycle so I'd have a good excuse to stay at home, so I won't ruin my friend's party just because I cannot get over the fact that they ruined for me a party I never wanted to have.

At her wits end,
Sanna

P.S. PF days to all!

In our country it was always a tradition that the bride to be had a "Bridal Shower" (where she was showered with gifts) and the Groom to be had a bachelor party. Bridal showers could have themes - kitchen, lingerie, etc. or just be general. A bride could have more than one, say one with family, one with friends, one with co-workers, or combined. I had I think 4 of them and they were all unique and fun.

Somewhere along the line they have been completely blown out of proportion. My daughter's, given  by her Matron of honor and my younger daughter (Maid of Honor) and the other bridesmaid was held at a restaurant, had about 50 people, was expensive, and although very nice, a little over the the top. It was fun, but so much planning went into it that it drove us crazy!  On top of that, the brides to be have suddenly been having bachelorette parties that are also over the top. For my daughters they rented a couple hotel rooms down town, arranged for a limo bus, and the girls (dressed in very short black dresses) went out for a night on the town. They drank a ton, had a whole second set of presents - the inappropriate variety that wouldn't be nice to open in front of grandmas and aunties (and mothers and new mother in law).

I really thought it was a lot to expect of friends, although they all seemed to enjoy it. They were even the same day to accomodate out of down guests.

My girls have been invited to others where they go out of town for a weekend (expensive) and are expected to share in the cost of hotels, limos, etc.

Long story but I really like the way we used to do, simple bridal showers where my friends could share stories with me and give me something that I could use in my new life, whether it be a kitchen appliance, or lingerie.  I just think, like everything else, the competion to outdo the last one is just so intense, and takes some of the fun out of the events.

In terms of what you should do Sanna, follow your own heart. Like Mel said, if you care about this bride, and if she's not the one that botched up yours, then go if you can. But if you'll be expected to engage in activities more appropriate for "single women" then maybe you have an excuse not to go, or maybe to attend only part of it.

Either way, I hope that you will let go of your own bad experience. It will just fester and it's behind you now. You had a wonderful wedding - enjoy the memories of that instead, along with your new hubby!!!

Hugs,
Christy

(Edited to correct spelling errors, hope I got them all!)

Here's my only advice Sanna.

Life is far too short to be around people who hurt your feelings.  Go, or don't go...but I would find some better friends.  Friends who share your interests and your moral compass.

Thank you for your messages and advice.

I felt much better almost instantly after I wrote that post. I had to get that out of my system.
I feel less hurt right now. The party is tomorrow, and I will attend - unless the friend in charge will go absolutely crazy tonight (completely possible!).

I find this whole process chaotic. I've been planning all sorts of parties and occasions for years, but I've never been part of something like this, I can tell you that! The party is tomorrow, but the pal in charge keeps on changing plans. I have absolutely no idea if I'm supposed to go to the bride's appartment on my own or if one friend's boyfriend will drive us all there. I hate this kind of uncertainty at this point. When plan is made, it's made. I make mine waterproof (literally) and stick to it. I do know for sure that the party begins at noon and I'm supposed to wear black.

It's summer, it might rain. I actually got a panic text from the pal in charge 6.15am this morning because she had seen the weather forecasts and rain showers are predicted. I reminded her that I did point out at the very first meeting ages ago that rain IS a possibility; after all, this is Finland! That's why the Aquarium is on the list and picnic is not compulsory.

It was my job to book us movie tickets in advance (movie Bridesmaids opened here last month). So far they have decided to drop the movie twice, then added it yet again. I have not cancelled the tickets just yet; knowing them anything can happen between today and tomorrow.

I've got the feeling that this will be a long, long day...

Mel, I've tried to ask which friend was in charge of my Bachelorette party. I don't know the answer to that. Knowing my friends, it was the bride or the very same friend who is in charge now. So, technically, I could sat this one out.

Christy, I told my friends for years that if I will ever have a Bachelorette party, I'd like them to take me to a nice restaurant for dinner (I even told them my favorite one, which is a Italian restaurant chain - great food & atmosphere, lots of options for all & prices are inexpensive) and to a nice romantic comedy, so it would be an evening with friends, good conversation, good food and great laugh. I aguess I didn't make it easy enough...

Back in here, women used to have more low-key Bridal Showers, too, but these days they are spending more and more time and money to create Bachelorette Parties. I still think it's funny that the friend in charge complained for me for years about the Bachelorette Parties she had to attend with her other friends; about the time and money wasted on those occasions. Now she is doing the exactly same for this friend.

Carolyn, when I first read your advice, my instant response was: going will make me feel worse. I actually considered what would change if I didn't go and what would if I did. The conclusion: they would have to pay a bit more for dinner (we will share the cost of the bride's dinner and other costs), someone else will need to find 10 one euro coins for the dance game and there will be no Pre Marriage Test, so in my eyes, no harm done, not really.

Linda, for the past few years, one friend of mine has changed in a great deal. I know for a fact that friends matter to her less than her romantic status - she told me that herself and with those exact words. Her changed behavior and values have not gone unnoticed, and many of us have been worried about her. She's the friend in charge.

Lenny, I wrote here, because what I thought about it all left me feeling hurt and confused. Now I feel more at ease, and I can honestly say that it was due to these posts right here.

I will let you know how it all turn out...

Sanna

Lobster wrote on Aug 5^th, 2011 at 9:59am:


Good one!

Hi everyone,

The party is finally history, phew.

The day went ok, but not like planned. We did go to the bride's appartment at noon as planned and she did do the baking and painting wedding glasses. After that rain begun, which meant that the picnic and everything planned there was out.

We did have the picnic foods at the bride's appartment and left for the Aquarium in time. Luckily, the rain had stopped then. The special guided tour was nice, although the bride clearly had wanted more time to look at the fish - the pal in charge did insist on taking her to the dance machines instead.

The bride did have fun dancing, but she did begun to mention eating a few minutes past 6pm, like I had been afraid of. She always has her dinner at 6pm, come rain or shine. We left quickly for the restaurant and there I did the Pre Marriage Test for her. After that, it was only the meal. Some of the ladies did take the bride out for drinks, but I decided to get back in that point; those friends are all single, so I didn't feel that it was my face to sit and watch as they will go to meet men.

Ch-wise, I was shadowing during the afternoon. I didn't eat anything which could trigger it, so the only things left are bit of stress and the weather.

When the bride was thanking us at the restaurant, it wasn't nice to hear from the friend in charge that "of course we had to arrange you a proper party, after all, this is a once-in-a-lifetime occasion". Of course that is a nice reply, but it made me think: what did I do in March then, get married for 10th time? It was my once-in-a-lifetime time, too. My wedding, my bachelorette party.

Luckily for the bride, hers left good memories, that's what she told me on Sunday. I'm happy for her. I'm just relieved that it's over... That I don't have to read dozens of emails every day, try to keep up with ever-changing plans and panicing pal in charge. Now that time is over, and I can take it easy.

Thank you all for your messages and support.

Sanna

What a great idea Mel.   Sanna, come to the next convention or get-together and all of us will give you a post-marriage party.  It will only be those things that YOU want to do.