Tool Definitions

DRILL STAND:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bits of metal out
of your hands that then smack you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in
the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at
the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say,"Oh, dear!"

JIG SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make things too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

OXY/ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting fire to various flammable objects in your
shed. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles.
Useful for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut
anything into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after
you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

JEMMY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, cheques and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and fingers, but only while in use.

Guiseppi wrote on Sep 6^th, 2011 at 10:47pm:

I know the feeling, I have had personal experience with most of them & no doubt will do again.

Cheers
Barry

Best description of tools I've ever seen.  Now why weren't the makers honest to begin with??  LOL ha ha ha