I was only diagnosed on Tuesday, though i have had a few episodes in the past. I have to admit, that it was almost a feeling of relief to know what the problem is. I'm NOT crazy, these things really do come on fast, last for an hour, and then go away on their own. For a while i really thought i was loosing my mind. My co-workers must have thought i was faking or something, because i would leave work around the same time everyday for a week, holding my head and screaming.
So when my neurologist officially diagnosed me with cluster headaches, i suppose i felt relief. I now have a name to put to this hell. I started to read and do some research on my own, and it all makes sense to me now. Especially the things you all call "shadows". I would actually try to explain them as echos of the real pain, or "pings". Whatever i called them, i knew they were warnings. I had already figured out what they meant.
As soon as i was diagnosed and the doc explained what it was and what it meant, my mom seemed to understand. After all, she had spent countless hours in the ER with me for these things in the past. I thought it made sense to her too.
I suppose i was wrong. Tonight i went out to dinner with my mom, two older brothers, and boyfriend. I hardly ever drink, it is really rare, but if i DO drink, i do so when i am in the company of my entire family, mostly because i know i will not be driving home. The only thing i really drink, even in that circumstance, is a beer or two with dinner.
I had read that alcohol can "trigger" the pain, so i did not even consider it tonight. When I turned down the offer of beer with my steak, my brother questioned me. I told him what i read and he looked at me like i was insane. "how can one beer cause a migraine?". (I honestly don't know if my one beer would have brought it on, i just knew i was NOT going to find out). So he rolled his eyes, shrugged his shoulders and let the subject go.
All this week i have honestly felt RELIEVED, i know i keep saying that, but it really is the truth. I am NOT happy to have this problem, or have to live with it. . . i am just SO glad that i am not crazy, it really was happening, and then to find out that i am NOT alone made it all the better. (there are other people that understand!!)
After dinner, the topic of my moms coffee cup came up. My boyfriend got her a set of them for mothers day, and apparently the brand he got has been recalled. (the paint is bleeding or something like that). My Mom, who i thought understood and accepted this as i had, jumped on the conversation and decided that her coffee cups are to blame for my headaches. They MUST be causing all these headaches.
Maybe it is her way of dealing with this. Blame it on anything you can. I know she can not stand to see me in pain. . . i know it hurts her. But is it normal for her to act like this? For family members to try and come up with anything as an excuse then just shrug it off? She was sitting in that doctors room with me, it seems she has completely blocked out everything the man said.
Somewhere between the beer topic, then the coffee cups, my mood has changed. I no longer feel relieved. I feel like crying. I do not want to have to keep trying to explain this to my family. I live with them, they witness my hell and suffering. Why was it so easy for me to accept and they just can not believe that is just what it is. Everyone keeps trying to come up with other solutions. (Maybe i don't get enough sleep, I'm too stressed about work, allergic to my dog. . . etc.)
My brother still thinks i have migraine issues, and my mom is about to empty all of our cabinets and trash any dish that is not plain white.
I guess i just needed to vent. . . but i have to ask you guys, is this to be expected? I feel so alone right now. i don't want to keep explaining it. Why cant they just accept it. Learn about it. Hell, i don't even want their sympathy. . . i just want them to stop blaming other things. Does any one have any suggestions, or should i just let them think what ever they want? It might be easier that way.

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