I have never kept a diary or journal of any sort... This is the first time that I've ever tried to reflect and describe the effects of cluster headaches in my life...
I hate going outside I'm becoming more and more recluse.
I have cut off all ties with friends and family.. Seems I have withdrawn myself from society.. Not really sure why this is.. I think it's because I'm afraid, afraid of
Trying to deal with the BEAST in public..
My sleep patterns now have no structure or routine because I'm afraid of waking up with an attack in full force as the pain is worst than the notion of death.. I stay awake until my eyes are forced to close.. I think the reason why I do this is because the. "BEAST" comes at 7am, give or take a few minutes.. So now I think I have subconsciously tried to disrupt the cycle..
I have little to no enjoyment in life despite the mask.. My energy levels are low.. I have no drive..
I am lying down typing this thinking death would not come a moment to soon. I feel alone and without outlet.. I feel let down by life, now dealing with this for the past 8 or so years.. Not sure how much I can take anymore .. I feel no one knows or respects what I'm dealing with and belittle me with their ignorance regarding my C.H.. Friends family doctors benefits etc etc.. I think that's the most frustrating part of it all, I mean how dare they, they have no idea because they have never suffered.. So maybe that has effected me as well and maybe on some level that's why I act stronger than I am and belittle my own self..Where do I turn
Oh and on this day went sleep at 2am ish n woke up at 5am ish then fell asleep at 9 am ish then woke up at 10 with the "BEAST" after dealing with that I was forced back to sleep through exhaustion as the pain takes everything out of me.. Then woke up around 2pm with aura)shadow..

It's now 4:27am can't stay awake any longer even though there is an undertone say a constant aura reminding me what I fear to wake up too.. As I type I feel it too is encouraged and slightly intensifies now and then.. a constant fear as even when I'm not in cycles I live in fear . I have forgotten how long this cycle has lasted I'm sure it's gone chronic... Or is that me fearing the worst as usual.?
Maybe I'm typing to delay sleep..
It's now 4:59am impossible to sleep as the aura is constantly there, no matter which side I lie on the feeling is the same if not worst.. Debating if I should go on my oxygen now or not.. But not got much left in the tank so if I use it now I won't have any for the morning should "it" visit
It's now 5:59 seems to only disperse when I sit up.. Don't know what to do..
Depressing because I know it's goin to have a knock on effect tomorrow...every now n then flickers or flutters of pain ..
Just woke up it's 3:10pm I'm feeling negative... All I want to do is stay in bed..
Feels like I have nothing to live for except pain n bad memories am I already dead but don't know it..

Its 5:10 am next mornin just got off oxygen.. Relieve a strong aura wasn't a headache but the start.. not sure why it's started at this time in mornin... What lies in wait.. It is what it is


Some weeks later... Sep 26 ..It's 4:34 am... ohh how I envy those that can sleep without fear...
Think the BEAST is preparing a Grande entrance.,.

Total newbie post I'm about to put up, but good lord do I know the feeling. Things you are saying are things that I have said and thought in the past, and actually just 2 days ago was talking about being fearful to go to bed at night for fear of being woke up with the pain.

And about people not understanding and making stupid remarks...yup, I know where you're coming from. I try not to share my headache problem with many people because of this, and the ones that say "Oh, yeah I get  bad headaches too. Have you tried Aleve or Excedrine Migraine?" Very frustrating. I just distance myself from the negative folks as well.

This post is of no help or advice, but I felt the need to chime in after seeing the likeness. Hang in there. Many people on here willing to give first hand advice.