Posted by Carl D (208.4.16.186) on June 25, 1999 at 15:29:46:
To quote a brilliant mind: "This sucks worse than anything that has ever sucked before" - Butthead.
Where do I begin? had a mental breakdown 3 weeks ago, got fed up with this worthless life, proceeded to get sloshingly drunk (as I can usually garner enough alcoholic courage to do the crazy things I wouldn't do in my right mind) and plotted my demise. One problem: I woke up the next day. Hate to live. Hate to die. dilemma-dilemma-dilemma! I haven't been able to check my e-mail in about three weeks, so I did not get Linda's message until I read about it on here. I know that desperate feeling. Wanted to off myself a zillion times. Don't know what stops me sometimes. (By the way, the night I "lost" it I talked to DJ and Drummer, Thanks for putting up with me guys, although I can't remember the conversation. Was I rude or obnoxious? sorry. I am truly like OZZY- when I drink, I am somebody else-or someTHING else). Won't do that again. Had 8 level 12's the next day. I have been in this incredible torturous cycle now for 17 months, and I thank God I found this site last March. I thought I was the only one who was going this mental because of this freakish thing. A pain so strong I can actually taste it (Does anyone else taste it? or am I an oddball). After reading Drummers post from a few days ago, I realize too I am a total idiot. To put up the crap my dr gives me and still go back, I must be a glutton for punishment. After still talking to some of my abusive friends, I must be hard up. And to try and act normal after having half of my head ripped apart for several hours a day, I must be a moron. And after every contemplative attempt at suicide...well..."I'm a suicidal failure, I gotta have some help.I've got suicidal tendencies, but I just cant kill myself". And so, the torture continues.
I have seen the CH commercial in my head over and over, but would need serious funds to create it: A man is lying on the floor with a huge spike half in the side of his head, and he is shaking, tears streaming as he moans, grabbing the spike and trying to pull it out of his head with no success, and a few people are standing around him talking "What do you think is wrong with him?" "Is he faking it?" "Maybe he should just lie down" "It can't be that bad" and just then, a voice-over kicks in "Very few people have heard of cluster headaches. It is nothing like a migraine, and for those who suffer from it, there is no relief. There is no cure. There is nothing to compare the pain to other than physical torture. When is the last time you have passed out from intense pain?" and the commerical ends with an address on the screen for more information. Maybe we should throw in "They can strike at any age, and they do not discriminate".
And then there is the dream. Ah, the beautiful dream: After an all night painfilled freakout, I go and collect a couple of guns and some ammo, and head to my doc's office. In my bag is a drill,a screwdriver, a nail, some rope and a bottle of aspirin. I storm into the office and force everyone out at gunpoint except for two nurses and my understanding doc. Barricading the door, I tie the doc down to a table. to make a long story short: I torture his brains out for an hour, not killing him of course, and then I offer some aspirin with the advice he should lie down for awhile. I actually had this dream. It was like "Dog Day Afternoon" with me as Al Pacino. After telling a friend of this beautiful morbid dream, he suggested instead of actually doing it and risking having a boyfriend named bubba for life, that I write a book. And thus, I have begun "Snap". It is a story about a man who suffers from a rare condition known as cluster headaches who snaps and goes ballistic on the hospital he is mis-treated at. Sad story: first you think he is nuts, then you begin to understand, then you feel sorry for him, and then of course, he has to be killed in order to stop him. Who knows, I may turn it into a screenplay and try to sell it. Maybe if the movie was made by Quentin Tarentino, then everyone would know what clusters are. Like I said, and I'm sure you'll agree, I have begun the realization that like Drummer (or unlike him) I am a total, complete idiot. Still fighting the invisible Hitler....Carl D