Posted by Todd (63.10.27.104) on July 04, 1999 at 23:32:56:
After several weeks of intense action on the German front lines, he had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, here to board a train bound for a few days in London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well-dressed, middle aged lady
and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in
that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier,sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found
himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant.Imagine!"
The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he might please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train
and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, demanding that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
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Why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman it's called sexual harassment,
but when a woman talks dirty to a man it costs $1.99 a minute?
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The Prayer
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute -how come you called God 'Harold'"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, . . .
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name
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Two men from Memphis were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Memphian turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Memphian hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Memphian sat back down with his friend and said ...
"Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works
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You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable,
made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as a gift.
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Top Sayings You'll Never See On Office Inspiration Posters
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better
company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
The firings will continue until morale improves.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your bills.
If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably
haven't completely understood the situation.
Two days without a Human Rights Violation!
Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
Taking credit for somebody's work saves time.
If at first you don't succeed - try management.
This can't go on forever-Even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years.
Never quit until you have another job.
TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
If you can read this, you're not working!
If at first you don't succeed... DELEGATE
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
"We waste time, so you don't have to"
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile - It makes your fellow workers look like incompetent
slackers.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for dirt.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
Look on the bright side, at least you're not working in sewage.
Work; It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and
the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and
cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his
lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time
I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned
beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees
a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and
jumps to his death also.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it
to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given
him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me"
she said. "He makes his own lunch."
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Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together
one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will
give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The
Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of
the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for
farming. The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so
that no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall
around Iraq. Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please
tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150
feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can
get in or out." Izzy says, "Fill it up with water."