Sat Humor and funnies

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Posted by Nancy ( on July 10, 1999 at 12:52:26:

A lawyer called his first witness, an elderly woman. The lawyer approached her and asked,"Mrs. Jones,do you know me?"-"I've known you since you
were a boy."she said."Frankly, you've been a big disappointment. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, you think you're a rising big shot
when you haven't the brains to know you will never amount to anything."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked the witness if she knew the opposing attorney.

"Known him for years." she continued."Used to baby-sit him. Another real disappointment. He's lazy,bigoted and has a drinking problem. Can't
build a decent law practice."

At that point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench and quietly offered this admonishment: "If either of
you asks her if she knows me, you'll be put in jail for contempt."

(for kip's wife)
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with
matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick
smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she
tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him
"How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to
make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if
you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any
person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising
altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a
bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta
Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a

As we waited just off the runway for another
airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their
seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome
aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and
in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've
reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the
rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will
drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather
all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We
are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight..!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here
to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault... it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hopeyou'll think of us here at US Airways."

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Germany and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied "Just send me a postcard and write "sauerkraut" on the back."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today and I don'tunderstand what it means."

The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you".

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack - and died.

So the wife picked up the card and read "Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut,Sauerkraut,Sauerkraut - Two with wieners, two without."
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind
the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
Hugs and a smile, Nancy

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