Posted by Carl D (208.4.16.41) on July 22, 1999 at 21:47:49:
OK, I get it. Jokes on me. First off, I have not been "boozing" as Bob P suggested. I got drunk 2 months ago when I freaked out and tried to commit suicide. Obviously didn't work. Nancy, What "help" has been offered for 6 months that I have not taken? I'm confused. I thought I was doing everything in my power, after all. I've sold most of my possessions to get meds that are now gone, I've spent thousands of dollars since '94 trying to find something that works, and now - I cant even afford to see someone who gives a rats ass. The ER is a joke, they wont do anything except make me feel stupid for coming there (after I have sat waiting for three hours and been out of the HA for two).
I've tried all kinds of meds:propanolol, indomethacin, amitryptaline, verapamil, lithium, imitrex, prednisone, you name it, I've probably tried it (except Stadol-never got the chance to get it filled.) I have seen 8 different doctors in 5 years, been to a specialist clinic in Michigan (MHNI) and even tried herbal methods : green tea extract, ginseng, feverfew, Super B vitamins, kava kava, and I could go on forever. So what have I missed?
Damn. Get drunk one time in 10 months and I'm a "boozer". I wish I could afford it, I'd go Booze it up right now. Oh wait, maybe I should wait until I hit rock bottom. Lemme see, No pain meds, no sleep for five days, extreme bouts of violent pain, holed up away from the world, Cant go anywhere, cant do anything, cant have visitors (not that anyone would show anyway). Gee, next thing I know somebody'll tell me I brought it on myself. I deserve it. Musta been something I did. You know, the only drug I have taken in a long time is verapamil until a few days ago I got some more Indo and yesterday a friend turned me on to some percodans, valiums and xanax. If I had more - I'd take em. So I guess that makes me a pill popper. I'm a junkie. I'm gonna go get high and wallow in my pity party. It's actually pretty funny: I had someone tell me the other day they can't believe I do as much as I do even though I have these HA's, and then people here are saying " He wont help himself. He must need to hit the wall before he can do it" I'M GOING OUT OF MY FREAKIN MIND HERE!!! I have done everything in my power. If I had money (remember that stuff, cant live without it) I could have seen a woman who specializes in clusters a week ago - but I could not afford it, so I had to re-schedule for Sept 15. If I cant afford it then, what do I do? sell my body? Dont think anybody would give me too much, as I cant even give nyself away. (oops, I'm pitying myself again-arent I).
I had a critical choice to make a few days ago: get my verapamil refilled and stay at the same HA pace w/o going haywire, or get the stadol spray and possibly get some relief from a few attacks. So did I choose unwisely? Cant I do anything right?
I'm obviously in a league of my own. Everyone else here either has an abortive or a pain med that helps them cope. I have a preventative that only keeps me from getting them nonstop back2back. Nothing to abort, nothing to deal with pain. I JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. Well, I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tired of having to defend myself everyday. I'm tired of struggling kicking fighting and bleeding while everyone says "why doesn't he do anything"? I'm a resourceful guy, but my resources suck. My doc sucks, the ER sucks (its freakin ST ELIZABETH MEDIEVAL CENTER) and I can't even drive while I'm in a HA. No one understands. My brothers act like they dont want me around, so I stay away. I have made call after call, made appt after appt, sold most of my stuff, did endless footwork, and now I'm not doing anything? People are reaching out(?) and I dont want help? Maybe my logic is suffering after being awake over 120 hours straight. Phil C helped me immensly, and has even called to see how I'm doing. other than him, I havent talked to anyone else from the board - except for my riproaring drunk when I called dj & barbara D, which the way some make it sound, is probably every day.
So the gist of it is the reason I am going thru this is because I wont help myself. Thats kinda like when you just spent seven hours mowing several acres of grass and everybody talks about how you wont cut the grass. I have thought about it for awhile. I have not had an income since 5/98. How do I get money? I sell my possessions; for food, for gas, for cigs, for medicine, for what? You know what I found out? You cant take the trip unless to have a ticket - and the ticket aint free. what can I say? if you would have told me 10 years ago my life would be like this, I can guarantee I would have said "goodbye" long time ago. I'm told now my only escape is selfish,stupid and a one way ticket to hell. wow, is that ticket free? In my efforts to find 1 - - count 'em 1 (one) person to relate to, I find I am still alone. Everyone says "I dont know how you deal with it" what choice do I have? You know, at this point I dont even care anymore. Whatever I do, It wont be enough. However hard I try, It wont be hard enough. However hard I fight, I'll wind up on my ass to the sounds of laughter. And for what? What the hell am I fighting for? Why am I struggling so hard? I give up. I cant explain myself again, because you cant or wont hear it. I feel like I'm already dead anyway. And with that - Farewell.
"struggle deep, fall asleep
frame of mind shifts endlessly
push and shove, pull and tug
the world below the world above
why do we have to wonder why
us and them and you and I
sunk into the ground
reaching for the sky" - 2/99 Carl D