Posted by Donald (205.188.198.46) on July 31, 1999 at 04:38:32:
A dear friend of mine, who I have known for 7 years, had never been around me during one of my episodes. She had lived here in Hawaii, and then moved to Santa Fe, and then moved back here. We've stayed in touch all along, but I had never had a reason to disclose my malady to her. Now we're neighbors and because of my current bout, and it's effects on my social life, I decided to inform her about the bout. At first she seemed empathetic, but over the next few days as I made mention of different aspects of the CH condition, she began to act somewhat skeptical of me. She sees me between CH's, hanging out with her and her husband, or watering the lawn or whatever, and I guess she thought that I was exagerating about the intensity of pain.
Then, she stopped by one day and we began to talk at my front door, and I guess that I have a casual way of describing extreme pain, because she tore into me like a wildcat about how "You think that your pain is so much worse than everyone else's!" (It seems that she had just been going through a urinary tract infection and had been down in the dumps for several weeks.) She was screaming quite loudly and was announcing to the neighborhood some of the things that I had told her, that I considered to be quite personal. I tried to keep up with her lambasting, however I was in a state of exaustion from lack of any meaningful sleep for the previous two weeks.
I was quickly reduced to tears, and it wasn't from the CH that was gathering steam in my left eye socket. When I told her that I just couldn't deal with this right now, and she saw the effect that it was having on me, she turned and marched away. I think that she thought I was using the CH's as an excuse, and that I was just playing victim.
A few hours later, I stepped out to let the cat in (my cat Kea get's pissed off at me too sometimes), and there was a card in an envelope sitting on the lawn chair. Inside was the following:
Don,
I am sorry that you are in such incredible pain. And I am sorry that you don't think that I could possibly know your pain. It is unfortunate that you see me in such a limited way - it must feel very lonely from your perception. I feel powerless, I guess, cause there is nothing I can offer but to listen, and what I am hearing is sadness, lonliness, extreme pain, darkness, isolation, punishment, attack, torture, fear, dank, blocks, a cage, hell and it all won't stop and you wonder what you did wrong and will it ever stop......implode!!!! Maybe I don't understand. Maybe I do. It doesn't really matter, I guess. Cause I just wanted you to know that I care about you and I am sorry that you are in such pain and that you are in my prayers daily. May you feel blessed soon.
Love & Peace,
Kathleen
I responded with a letter that I wrote immediately, in which I explained to the best of my ability that the pain was quite real and that no, I did not place my pain above anyone elses, and that I had been unaware that I was pushing her buttons, and that I loved her very much. Both of us do healing work, and in some ways she has looked up to me as a spiritual teacher, (I teach a Shamanic Journey class, lead wilderness journeys, lead sweat lodge ceremonies) I think it was a combination of things that led to her outburst, including seeing such perceived weakness in someone
that she thought of as strong, and a misunderstanding of the condition. Her and I have clashed before on other issues and our friendship gets stronger. I will be more sensitive to her pain and the pain of others.
On the spiritual aspect of this, I recognize that we clusterheads come from many different backgrounds. In terms of spiritual paths, I like the analogy that many different paths can all lead to the same mountaintop. I have not been able to fathom the purpose that is being served by this CH condition from the higher levels of spiritual consciousness, but I have to believe that all of us, clusterheads and supporters alike, are being showered with unimaginable love as we deal with the challenges of our daily lives.
Mahalo Nui Loa for listening to my venting.
Aloha - Don't Leave Home Without It.