Posted by Charlie S (206.159.160.171) on June 20, 2001 at 21:36:07:
This is kinda long, but hilarious!
>
>
>
> Conan O'Brien's Commencement Speech to the Harvard Class of 2000:
>
>
> > > >I'd like to thank the Class Marshals for inviting me
> here today. The
> > last
> > > >time I was invited to Harvard it cost me $110,000, so
> you'll forgive me
> >
> > >if
> > > >I'm a bit suspicious. I'd like to announce up front
> that I have one
> > goal
> > > >this afternoon: to be half as funny as tomorrow's
> Commencement Speaker,
> > > >Moral Philosopher and Economist, Amartya Sen. Must get
> more laughs than
> > > >seminal wage/price theoretician.
> > > >
> > > >Students of the Harvard Class of 2000, fifteen years
> ago I sat where
> > you
> > > >sit
> > > >now and I thought exactly what you are now thinking:
> What's going to
> > >happen
> > > >to me? Will I find my place in the world? Am I really
> graduating a
> > >virgin?
> > > >I
> > > >still have 24 hours and my roommate's Mom is hot. I
> swear she was
> > >checking
> > > >me out. Being here today is very special for me. I miss
> this place. I
> > > >especially miss Harvard Square - it's so unique. No
> where else in the
> > >world
> > > >will you find a man with a turban wearing a Red Sox
> jacket and working
> > in
> > >a
> > > >lesbian bookstore. Hey, I'm just glad my dad's working.
> > > >
> > > >It's particularly sweet for me to be here today because
> when I
> > graduated,
> > >I
> > > >wanted very badly to be a Class Day Speaker.
> Unfortunately, my speech
> > was
> > > >rejected. So, if you'll indulge me, I'd like to read a
> portion of that
> > > >speech from fifteen years ago: "Fellow students, as we
> sit here today
> > > >listening to that classic Ah-ha tune which will
> definitely stand the
> > test
> > > >of
> > > >time, I would like to make several predictions about
> what the future
> > will
> > > >hold: "I believe that one day a simple Governor from a
> small Southern
> > >state
> > > >will rise to the highest office in the land. He will
> lack political
> > >skill,
> > > >but will lead on the sheer strength of his moral
> authority." "I believe
> > > >that
> > > >Justice will prevail and, one day, the Berlin Wall will
> crumble,
> > uniting
> > > >East and West Berlin forever under Communist rule." "I
> believe that one
> > > >day,
> > > >a high speed network of interconnected computers will
> spring up
> > >world-wide,
> > > >so enriching people that they will lose their interest
> in idle chit
> > chat
> > > >and
> > > >pornography." "And finally, I believe that one day I
> will have a
> > >television
> > > >show on a major network, seen by millions of people a
> night, which I
> > will
> > > >use to re-enact crimes and help catch at-large
> criminals." And then
> > >there's
> > > >some stuff about the death of Wall Street which I don't
> think we need
> > to
> > > >get
> > > >into....
> > > >
> > > >The point is that, although you see me as a celebrity,
> a member of the
> > > >cultural elite, a kind of demigod, I was actually a
> student here once
> > >much
> > > >like you. I came here in the fall of 1981 and lived in
> Holworthy. I
> > was,
> > > >without exaggeration, the ugliest picture in the
> Freshman Face book.
> > When
> > > >Harvard asked me for a picture the previous summer, I
> thought it was
> > just
> > > >for their records, so I literally jogged in the August
> heat to a
> > passport
> > > >photo office and sat for a morgue photo. To make
> matters worse, when
> > the
> > > >Face Book came out they put my picture next to
> Catherine Oxenberg, a
> > > >stunning blonde actress who was accepted to the class
> of '85 but
> > decided
> > >to
> > > >defer admission so she could join the cast of
> "Dynasty." My photo would
> > > >have
> > > >looked bad on any page, but next to Catherine Oxenberg,
> I looked like a
> > > >mackerel that had been in a car accident. You see, in
> those days I was
> > >six
> > > >feet four inches tall and I weighed 150 pounds.
> Recently, I had some
> > > >structural engineers run those numbers into a computer
> model and,
> > >according
> > > >to the computer, I collapsed in 1987, killing hundreds
> in Taiwan.
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> --------------
> > --
> > >-----
> > > >
> > > >After freshman year I moved to Mather House. Mather
> House,
> > incidentally,
> > > >was
> > > >designed by the same firm that built Hitler's bunker.
> In fact, if
> > Hitler
> > > >had
> > > >conducted the war from Mather House, he'd have shot
> himself a year
> > >earlier.
> > > >1985 seems like a long time ago now. When I had my
> Class Day, you
> > >students
> > > >would have been seven years old. Seven years old. Do
> you know what that
> > > >means? Back then I could have beaten any of you in a
> fight. And I mean
> > >bad.
> > > >It would be no contest. If any one here has a time
> machine, seriously,
> > > >let's
> > > >get it on, I will whip your seven year old butt. When I
> was here, they
> > >sold
> > > >diapers at the Coop that said "Harvard Class of 2000."
> At the time, it
> > >was
> > > >kind of a joke, but now I realize you wore those
> diapers. How
> > >embarrassing
> > > >for you. A lot has happened in fifteen years. When you
> think about it,
> > we
> > > >come from completely different worlds. When I
> graduated, we watched
> > >movies
> > > >starring Tom Cruise and listened to music by Madonna. I
> come from a
> > time
> > > >when we huddled around our TV sets and watched "The
> Cosby Show" on NBC,
> > > >never imagining that there would one day be a show
> called "Cosby" on
> > CBS.
> > > >In
> > > >1985 we drove cars with driver's side airbags, but if
> you told us that
> > >one
> > > >day there'd be passenger side airbags, we'd have burned
> you for
> > >witchcraft.
> > > >
> > > >But of course, I think there is some common ground
> between us. I
> > remember
> > > >well the great uncertainty of this day. Many of you are
> justifiably
> > >nervous
> > > >about leaving the safe, comfortable world of Harvard
> Yard and hurling
> > > >yourself headlong into the cold, harsh world of Harvard
> Grad School, a
> > >plum
> > > >job at your father's firm, or a year abroad with a gold
> Amex card and
> > >then
> > > >a
> > > >plum job in your father's firm. But let me assure you
> that the
> > knowledge
> > > >you've gained here at Harvard is a precious gift that
> will never leave
> > >you.
> > > >Take it from me, your education is yours to keep
> forever. Why, many of
> > >you
> > > >have read the Merchant of Florence, and that will
> inspire you when you
> > > >travel to the island of Spain. Your knowledge of that
> problem they had
> > >with
> > > >those people in Russia, or that guy in South
> America-you know, that
> > > >guy-will
> > > >enrich you for the rest of your life.
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> --------------
> > --
> > >-----
> > > >
> > > >There is also sadness today, a feeling of loss that
> you're leaving
> > >Harvard
> > > >forever. Well, let me assure you that you never really
> leave Harvard.
> > The
> > > >Harvard Fundraising Committee will be on your ass until
> the day you
> > die.
> > > >Right now, a member of the Alumni Association is at the
> Mt. Auburn
> > >Cemetery
> > > >shaking down the corpse of Henry Adams. They heard he
> had a brass toe
> > >ring
> > > >and they aims to get it. Imagine: These people just
> raised 2.5 billion
> > > >dollars and they only got through the B's in the alumni
> directory.
> > Here's
> > > >how it works. Your phone rings, usually after a big
> meal when you're
> > >tired
> > > >and most vulnerable. A voice asks you for money.
> Knowing they just
> > raised
> > > >2.5 billion dollars you ask, "What do you need it for?"
> Then there's a
> > >long
> > > >pause and the voice on the other end of the line says,
> "We don't need
> > it,
> > > >we
> > > >just want it." It's chilling.
> > > >
> > > >What else can you expect? Let me see, by your applause,
> who here wrote
> > a
> > > >thesis. (APPLAUSE) A lot of hard work, a lot of your
> blood went into
> > that
> > > >thesis... and no one is ever going to care. I wrote a
> thesis: Literary
> > > >Progeria in the works of Flannery O'Connor and William
> Faulkner. Let's
> > >just
> > > >say that, during my discussions with Pauly Shore, it
> doesn't come up
> > >much.
> > > >For three years after graduation I kept my thesis in
> the glove
> > >compartment
> > > >of my car so I could show it to a policeman in case I
> was pulled over.
> > >(ACT
> > > >OUT) License, registration, cultural exploration of the
> Man Child in
> > the
> > > >Sound and the Fury...
> > > >
> > > >So what can you expect out there in the real world? Let
> me tell you. As
> >
> > >you
> > > >leave these gates and re-enter society, one thing is
> certain: Everyone
> > >out
> > > >there is going to hate you. Never tell anyone in a
> roadside diner that
> > >you
> > > >went to Harvard. In most situations the correct
> response to where did
> > you
> > > >to
> > > >school is, "School? Why, I never had much in the way of
> book larnin'
> > and
> > > >such." Then, get in your BMW and get the hell out of
> there.
> > > >
> > > >You see, you're in for a lifetime of "And you went to
> Harvard?"
> > > >Accidentally
> > > >give the wrong amount of change in a transaction and
> it's, "And you
> > went
> > >to
> > > >Harvard?" Ask the guy at the hardware store how these
> jumper cables
> > work
> > > >and
> > > >hear, "And you went to Harvard?" Forget just once that
> your underwear
> > >goes
> > > >inside your pants and it's "and you went to Harvard."
> Get your head
> > stuck
> > > >in
> > > >your niece's dollhouse because you wanted to see what
> it was like to be
> > a
> > > >giant and it's "Uncle Conan, you went to Harvard!?"
> > > >
> > > >But to really know what's in store for you after
> Harvard, I have to
> > tell
> > > >you
> > > >what happened to me after graduation. I'm going to tell
> you my story
> > > >because, first of all, my perspective may give many of
> you hope, and,
> > > >secondly, it's an amazing rush to stand in front of six
> thousand people
> >
> > >and
> > > >talk about yourself.
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> --------------
> > --
> > >-----
> > > >
> > > >After graduating in May, I moved to Los Angeles and got
> a three week
> > > >contract at a small cable show. I got a $380 a month
> apartment and
> > bought
> > >a
> > > >1977 Isuzu Opel, a car Isuzu only manufactured for a
> year because they
> > > >found
> > > >out that, technically, it's not a car. Here's a quick
> tip, graduates:
> > no
> > > >four cylinder vehicle should have a racing stripe. I
> worked at that
> > show
> > > >for
> > > >over a year, feeling pretty good about myself, when one
> day they told
> > me
> > > >they were letting me go. I was fired and, I hadn't
> saved a lot of
> > money.
> > >I
> > > >tried to get another job in television but I couldn't
> find one.
> > > >
> > > >So, with nowhere else to turn, I went to a temp agency
> and filled out a
> > > >questionnaire. I made damn sure they knew I had been to
> Harvard and
> > that
> > >I
> > > >expected the very best treatment. And so, the next day,
> I was sent to
> > the
> > > >Santa Monica branch of Wilson's House of Suede and
> Leather. When you
> > have
> > >a
> > > >Harvard degree and you're working at Wilson's House of
> Suede and
> > Leather,
> > > >you are haunted by the ghostly images of your
> classmates who chose
> > >Graduate
> > > >School. You see their faces everywhere: in coffee cups,
> in fish tanks,
> > >and
> > > >they're always laughing at you as you stack suede
> shirts no man, in
> > good
> > > >conscience, would ever wear. I tried a lot of things
> during this
> > period:
> > > >acting in corporate infomercials, serving drinks in a
> non-equity
> > theatre,
> > >I
> > > >even took a job entertaining at a seven year olds'
> birthday party. In
> > > >desperate need of work, I put together some sketches
> and scored a job
> > at
> > > >the
> > > >fledgling Fox Network as a writer and performer for a
> new show called
> > >"The
> > > >Wilton North Report." I was finally on a network and
> really excited.
> > The
> > > >producer told me the show was going to revolutionize
> television. And,
> > in
> > >a
> > > >way, it did. The show was so hated and did so badly
> that when, four
> > weeks
> > > >later, news of its cancellation was announced to the
> Fox affiliates,
> > they
> > > >burst into applause.
> > > >
> > > >Eventually, though, I got a huge break. I had
> submitted, along with my
> > > >writing partner, a batch of sketches to Saturday Night
> Live and, after
> > a
> > > >year and a half, they read it and gave us a two week
> tryout. The two
> > >weeks
> > > >turned into two seasons and I felt successful.
> Successful enough to
> > write
> > >a
> > > >TV pilot for an original sitcom and, when the network
> decided to make
> > it,
> > >I
> > > >left Saturday Night Live. This TV show was going to be
> groundbreaking.
> > It
> > > >was going to resurrect the career of TV's Batman, Adam
> West. It was
> > going
> > > >to
> > > >be a comedy without a laugh track or a studio audience.
> It was going to
> > > >change all the rules. And here's what happened: When
> the pilot aired it
> >
> > >was
> > > >the second lowest-rated television show of all time.
> It's tied with a
> > >test
> > > >pattern they show in Nova Scotia.
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> --------------
> > --
> > >-----
> > > >
> > > >So, I was 28 and, once again, I had no job. I had good
> writing credits
> > in
> > > >New York, but I was filled with disappointment and
> didn't know what to
> > do
> > > >next. I started smelling suede on my fingertips. And
> that's when The
> > > >Simpsons saved me. I got a job there and started
> writing episodes about
> > > >Springfield getting a Monorail and Homer going to
> College. I was
> > finally
> > > >putting my Harvard education to good use, writing
> dialogue for a man
> > >who's
> > > >so stupid that in one episode he forgot to make his own
> heart beat.
> > Life
> > > >was
> > > >good.
> > > >
> > > >And then, an insane, inexplicable opportunity came my
> way . A chance to
> > > >audition for host of the new Late Night Show. I took
> the opportunity
> > > >seriously but, at the same time, I had the relaxed
> confidence of
> > someone
> > > >who
> > > >knew he had no real shot. I couldn't fear losing a
> great job I had
> > never
> > > >had. And, I think that attitude made the difference.
> I'll never forget
> > > >being
> > > >in the Simpson's recording basement that morning when
> the phone rang.
> > It
> > > >was
> > > >for me. My car was blocking a fire lane. But a week
> later I got another
> > > >call: I got the job.
> > > >
> > > >So, this was undeniably the it: the truly life-altering
> break I had
> > >always
> > > >dreamed of. And, I went to work. I gathered all my
> funny friends and
> > >poured
> > > >all my years of comedy experience into building that
> show over the
> > >summer,
> > > >gathering the talent and figuring out the sensibility.
> We debuted on
> > > >September 13, 1993 and I was happy with our effort. I
> felt like I had
> > > >seized
> > > >the moment and put my very best foot forward. And this
> is what the most
> > > >respected and widely read television critic, Tom
> Shales, wrote in the
> > > >Washington Post: "O'Brien is a living collage of
> annoying nervous
> > habits.
> > > >He
> > > >giggles and titters, jiggles about and fiddles with his
> cuffs. He had
> > >dark,
> > > >beady little eyes like a rabbit. He's one of the
> whitest white men
> > ever.
> > > >O'Brien is a switch on the guest who won't leave: he's
> the host who
> > >should
> > > >never have come. Let the Late show with Conan O'Brien
> become the late,
> > >Late
> > > >Show and may the host return to Conan O'Blivion whence
> he came."
> > There's
> > > >more but it gets kind of mean.
> > > >
> > > >Needless to say, I took a lot of criticism, some of it
> deserved, some
> > of
> > >it
> > > >excessive. And it hurt like you wouldn't believe. But
> I'm telling you
> > all
> > > >this for a reason. I've had a lot of success and I've
> had a lot of
> > >failure.
> > > >I've looked good and I've looked bad. I've been praised
> and I've been
> > > >criticized. But my mistakes have been necessary. Except
> for Wilson's
> > >House
> > > >of Suede and Leather. That was just stupid.
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >
> >-----------------------------------------------------------
> --------------
> > --
> > >-----
> > > >
> > > >I've dwelled on my failures today because, as graduates
> of Harvard,
> > your
> > > >biggest liability is your need to succeed. Your need to
> always find
> > > >yourself
> > > >on the sweet side of the bell curve. Because success is
> a lot like a
> > > >bright,
> > > >white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but
> then you're
> > > >desperately
> > > >afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way.
> > > >
> > > >I left the cocoon of Harvard, I left the cocoon of
> Saturday Night Live,
> > I
> > > >left the cocoon of The Simpsons. And each time it was
> bruising and
> > > >tumultuous. And yet, every failure was freeing, and
> today I'm as
> > >nostalgic
> > > >for the bad as I am for the good.
> > > >
> > > >So, that's what I wish for all of you: the bad as well
> as the good.
> > Fall
> > > >down, make a mess, break something occasionally. And
> remember that the
> > > >story
> > > >is never over. If it's all right, I'd like to read a
> little something
> > >from
> > > >just this year: "Somehow, Conan O'Brien has transformed
> himself into
> > the
> > > >brightest star in the Late Night firmament. His comedy
> is the gold
> > >standard
> > > >and Conan himself is not only the quickest and most
> inventive wit of
> > his
> > > >generation, but quite possible the greatest host ever."
> > > >
> > > >Ladies and Gentlemen, Class of 2000, I wrote that this
> morning, as
> > proof
> > > >that, when all else fails, there's always delusion.
> > > >
> > > >I'll go now, to make bigger mistakes and to embarrass
> this fine
> > >institution
> > > >even more. But let me leave you with one last thought:
> If you can laugh
> >
> > >at
> > > >yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will
> think you're
> > >drunk.
> > > >
> > > >Thank you.
Charlie S :^)