Posted by Nancy (198.247.6.96) on September 11, 1999 at 13:34:07:
WHY MEN STAND AND PEE"
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while
urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability". Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd
love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.It'd be so great!
When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the
sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly,that he should have it. it seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given this ability.
And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him,laughing with delight all the while. And it was good."Fine," God said,
looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?"
"Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."
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"The Traffic Stop"
This man is going down the road, and he gets pulled over by a highway patrolman. When he gets up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding.
The man is shocked, but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding.
While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat. He asks him what they are for, and he tells him that they are for his act, and he is a juggler.
The patrolman does not believe him, and tells him to prove it. So he gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives. At the same time, two guys are driving by and witness the two on the side of the road. One of the guys looks to the other guy and says, "Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking,those sobriety tests these days are horrible!"
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First Operation
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
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A Dog named SEX
Usually everyone who has a dog calls him Rover or something. I call mine "Sex".
Well, Sex is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said I was looking for Sex. My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog" he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was
two years old." He replied "You must have been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said "But Sex
has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."
He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex
there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and
a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex.
Then I said "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." and the clerk said "Me too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said "Show off." I told him it was a contest and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said
"Me too." When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said
"Me too."
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went
for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble" and I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like
losing a best friend and it's so lonely."
The doctor said "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog."
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Gas Powered Bees
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There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a
bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station,drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a
station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him:
"Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low.
You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally,you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you
crazy?"
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso
station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...
There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
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WARNING!!!
Please take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper stockpile. Make sure it's Y2K compliant!!!
Word has it, if it isn't, come Jan 1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900, then turn into Sears Catalogs!!!!!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!
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Hugs and a smile, Nancy