I haven't posted because.......

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Posted by Bernadette ( on September 22, 1999 at 06:48:43:

I HAVE BEEN LIVING A LIFE OF HECK. I have been on medical leave from work since the last week in August and of course they have totally messed up my benefits and I think I need to go back to work on Monday. Then I only really have three people in the world whom I can talk to about anything, my husband, my best friend of 17 years and my father in law who has been more of a father in the 8 years I have known him more than my own father of almost 32 years. I lost my father in law on Monday the 13 and my heart hurts so much. I can't see how I am going to deal without him in my life. He was the only person whom I could call in the middle of the night and he always got up to speak to me. We always ended our conversations with an I love you and I love you back. I have never had anyone die on me that hurt this much, just typing now is so difficult. Then when I get back I find out that my 9 year old niece has 30-40 pollops in her colon and now needs to get them taken out plus her rectum. My brother is a mess and doesn't want to hear a word about God and how he will heal her. Then yesterday I found out that my daughter favorite cousin of 14 years old had been missing since Saturday, no one in my family wanted me to know because I was already dealing with crap. He (God) says that he will not give me more than I can bear but at this point I am so tired of feeling pain. My life seems to have some kind of curse on it and I feel as though my heart may explode and am not quite sure of my mental status. I am so sorry to those who have emailed me, it is just that things have gone totally upside down in my life. I keep trying to lean on my Lord but why why why has this been the worst year of my life. There are other reasons as to why this year has been so bad but some things just can't be said. I don't know what else to say, only that I am trying to be strong and keep some sense of reality but it's hard, very hard, so very hard. Maybe I'm not praying hard enough, maybe one day I did something so bad that now I am being punished. I truly can't remember ever hurting anyone on purpose, I never caused anyone pain on purpose, I have only wanted to love and to be loved. I lost one of the most important people in my life and that hurts, my husband (whom I love so much) can't be here with me all the time, and now my daughter is going through her changes and I'm just going crazy. Sorry for venting but I did want people to know why I haven't been here for awhile. God bless you all.



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