Words Fail...

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Posted by Carl D ( on September 30, 1999 at 07:57:19:

Words fail to express how I feel at the moment. I just came out of a ten, still unable to get decent sleep, and my medicine has made me a basket case. While still struggling with my own depression, I am coming to terms with a friend who lost his battle with depression and, I just put a good friend of mine in the ground Saturday. I can't drive due to the fact I am lacking my wits about me due to the meds (I am also constantly dizzy, spacy, off balance and uncoordinated). It may be due to lack of sleep also.I'm calling the doctor today to tell her the meds aren't helping - but making me worse. Seems to increase that sinking feeling. Still not completely over the cold neither. Sinuses are messed up still, so I am taking the Methylcobalamin orally. Neurontin is making me crazy - I can't explain.

Been having panic attacks bad too. Had to pull over last week because I though I was gonna pass out. My heart was beating 120 miles an hour. Didn't help my head any neither - which seems to "ache" constantly even when not in cluster (which we all know doesn't even resemble an "ache") Still averaging 3 - 9 a day. Some days seem less - others more hardcore - but rarely any sleep. Hallucinate alot too when you are lacking sleep. See things move, stuff fall, smoke where its clear, etc. I am the freak.

Having a hard time believing my buddy Jason is dead, really having a hard time with the way he died. There are alot of unanswered questions, and lots of conflicting stories as to what happened. One person who is not talking right now doesn't realize how determined certain people are to find out the truth of what happened. Even still, nothing will bring him back.

If I try to lie down, I know I will get a CH, so I am sitting upright with my eyes closed to the madness of what this life has become. Fighting an invisible enemy, fighting an unbeatable system, and tearing the rest of my body up trying to control my head. In all of my days of pain and suffering - as I approach my 20th month straight I must say with all sincerity and heartfelt honesty that - this indeed SUCKS!!!!!!!!

The Freek, Carl D

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