Peruvian Gas - The Final Word

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Posted by Jack Boyd ( on October 01, 1999 at 08:12:40:

I post this very reluctantly - I respect DJ and his attempt to keep the site as commercial free as possible but here goes:

I wrote a book - Published in 1989 by Simon & Schuster it was called " It's a Small Flatulent World or How Peruvian Gases Affect Transcontinental Weather Patterns and Neurovascular Morbidity Among White Middle Age Males on the Eastern Seaboard"

Two copies left the bookstores - one was purchased and the other was stolen. Being a first class egotist I have tracked these two copies ever since.

It seems the stolen copy has ended up in the hands of a heroin addict who is employed as a street vendor in lower Manhattan. He likes to set up shop on the corner of 6th avenue and 23rd street. When prevailing winds shift and are out of the east he will move to the opposite corner to minimize the effect of the smell of urine emanating from the park around the corner. At any rate, he is not actually selling the book, he instead uses it to prop up his table. It seems one of the legs is a little shorter than the others. A word of caution: do not approach this man if you are a crack addict or appear to be a crack addict. As we all know there is a very rigid pecking order among substance abusers and this individual has little tolerance for crack heads - I have been told that he sometimes hits them over the head with my book.

The other copy actually was purchased by an individual in Los Angeles by the name of Lance. Lance is not the brightest of individuals and his interests are in increasing his longevity and looking good. He figured if some schmuck back east coulk increasse his nuerovascular morbidity why couldn't he. He read the book and came to the conclusion that he could help himself by ingesting the Andean Monarch butterfly which he has done for several years now. He claims that he looks and feels months younger as a result. There is word around town now that both Warren Beatty and Cher have become disciples of Lance and have applied his regimen. Warren has been grinding these butterflies into a powder and mainlining them. He claims it has given him the drive to run for President. It seems Cher has been injecting this same butterfly powder into her butt and she now claims it has reduced her visits to her plastic surgeon by .3 %.
Lance, Warren and Cher are sheduled to be on Larry King with their stories sometime around the first of the year. They have not asked me to attend.

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